Confused about how to grow up

[HappyP]

Hi everyone,

I know this might sound really confusing. But basically I have been really really lucky. I have the best family and have always been supported. Yet, I have been sufferring from depression and anxiety for a really long time. I am in first year uni, and I got into the degree I wanted. But I am so unmotivated, and I have also been rejected jobs. I am so unmotivated./lazy about everything. I worked really hard at school, so i don't really understand why this is happening. I just want to grow up and live like a normal person, but here I am in my house, by myself (while everyone is doing things they are supposed to) crying because I don't have a job, and because I just don't want to study, even though I really enjoy my degree. I don't even really know how to study either, like I just don't know if I'm doing the studying correctly. I am fine with assignments, it's just general studying. Like I rewrite out my notes, and I just don't know how i got through high school, because i have no idea how i studied. i don't know if this makes sense

[Lici]

Hi HappyP,

Let me start by giving you a warm welcome to the forums. It's a safe non-jugemental place here and people are super helpful and supportive!

While I'm not young anymore, I had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings that you did when I was younger. It took me a long time to realise that there's no rule book to life. There's so much pressure on young people to get a job, get a degree etc but there's nothing saying that you need to have a career by you're 30, or that you have to have your life set up a particular way by a particular time. I'm 39 next week and in my 3rd year of uni. I'm not working and my life is far from set up. The thing is, that's ok!

When it comes to a "normal" person, I always ask what's normal? Who states that what is considered normal? Does someone somewhere have a book with all the dot points of "normal person" requirements and ticks off everyone? Normal is an ideal that I think we all put in place on a pedestal as some mythical perfect being that we must strive to be. That person doesn't exist though! A secret that I've found to adulthood is that absolutely no-one knows exactly what they're doing. We we're all flung into adulthood and we all had to stumble through and figure it out somehow. I'm still trying to figure it out myself!

I don't know how to study myself either. I mostly watch lectures at home and write out slides combined with what the lecturers say. I constantly feel that I'm not doing it right! But I think that rewriting your notes might be a good thing as writing stuff down is good for memory. Another thing I do is look up quizlets made by other people to do with my topics and quiz myself.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in the way that you're feeling and that there's no rulebook to life. Do things at your own pace and don't beat yourself up for not being in the same place as someone else.

I hope you feel better soon.

Kind thoughts,

Lici

[Birdy77]

Dear HappyP,

Just like Lici, i would like to assure you, there is no normal. Or, if there is, I don't know about it.

I would like you to not put so much pressure on yourself. I recently turned 40 (that really sounds wrong to me because I feel 25, maaaaaybe 28) ... and my life us far from sorted.

I went to uni at 25 (and again at 31) ... and I'm not doing any of the things I studied.

I read an awesome book recently called "Adult Fantasy" by Briohny Doyle, and I would highly recommend it to you ... It's an excellent exploration of what it means to be an adult today, and if millenials are redefining this. Lici, you'd probably like it too ... I related to a lot of it, I think we're on the outer cusp of that generation (I get confused about those terms gen x, y, z, etc).

So HappyP, try to relax, hang in there with the study, (what you're doing sounds ok to me), and come back and chat as much as you like.

🌻birdy

[Lici]

Hi Birdy,

Thanks for the book suggestion! I'll look it up. In regards to generations, I'm pretty sure we're at the end of gen x, but it depends on whose classification you go by!

HappyP: I forgot to add to please keep us updated on how things go for you. Also, have you spoken to the uni counsellors or the disability people at all? I have a disability access plan for my mental health issues and I find it has really helped me to have that support in place. Your uni wants you to succeed in your studies and they will help you as much as they can. I really can't recommend enough to speak to the support people.

Anyway, I hope you both have a good day!

Lici

[quirkywords]

HappyP,

Welcome to the forums. Lici and Birdy have given you helpful support.

his may not help but I am 60, birdy 40 is very young to me!, and I am still wondering when I will grow up.

My daughter says Mum when will do some adulating?

am not sure what grown up means.

Your post makes lots of sense and I know there will be many reading this and saying yes that is me or was me.

here is a quote I like by Dorothy Parker who said, I hate writing but I like having written.

an you relate. You don't like studying but after you have will be glad you have studied.

First year uni is so different from high school, so give yourself time to settle in.

I do not know anyone who like studying but it is a means to an end.

This is a supportive place, so post here as much as you like.

hanks for telling us your story.

Quirky

[HappyP]

I have been to the counsellors and they were helpful. But for some reason, I just stopped going, it's the same with swimming. I tried to get back into excercise. Even when I knew I was helping myself, when i planned to go to the next one I just didn't go. Like it's not about motivation, but it's more about the ability to get up and keep going when I'm already feeling so awful. And when I talk about my feelings and get advice, I see that it will be helpful in the future, but right now, I feel the need to talk to people and make better friends. But it's difficult, because everyone is in their own life (which I get), but I feel as if I need others around me to constantly tell me they support every decision I make. I know this is unhealthy, but it's a habit I've developed and it's hard to break it. I

I'm probably saying nonsense, but thank you for replying 🙂

[HappyP]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I was in a bit of a dark place yesterday, so it was definitely nice to see such kindness.

With my studying, I guess it's about finding what works write for me. But the problem is, I never know where to start!

I'll definitely update you on how life is going!

[Lici]

Hi HappyP,

I'm glad you replied. Sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to you, I have so many lectures to watch that I have to block out everything else. Just know that I'll always reply, even if it takes me a while.

I'm glad to read that you've seen the counsellors. Sorry to hear that they weren't much help though. I understand what you mean about struggling to keep going when you feel awful. That's when I find the disability access plan helpful as well as being completely honest with my lecturers as to what's happening and why. I've found my lectures are very understanding when it comes to mental health issues and will always do whatever possible to help in terms of extensions etc. The DAP means that I don't have to get medical certificates constantly, I'll only have to do that if something new comes up that I haven't got listed on the plan.

I've honestly got no advice on how to make friends unfortunately. I've found that the older I get, the less friends I want or need in my life. I think I found a way to be happy with my own company a long time ago and am now happy with the 2 best friends I have and everyone else kind of has to prove their worthiness to fit into the friends category. I look at quality and not quantity when it comes to the people in my life these days.

I think the needing others to support your decisions is natural when you're younger, and not surprising coming from high school to uni. In high school you get that validation, you're on a roster etc, you know what you have to do, you have homework etc. In uni you're on your own and have to organise your own time and make decisions etc. It's not surprising that people find the transition difficult. You wouldn't be alone with that either.

I agree that it's about what works right for you. I constantly worry that I'm not doing things right, but I think your grades will tell you if things are working for you or not. I get good grades consistently so my study style must work. My anxiety doesn't agree however, and that's where you need to differentiate what's anxiety, and what's truth.

I hope today is a bit better for you.

Kind regards,

Lici