Competitiveness, trying to do it all, uncontrollable guilt

[banana_split]

Hi, new to the community and I really appreciate if you bothered to read as I know you all have troubles of your own.

Just like to start by saying I've been well provided for all my life and I think I'm in a good place (life-circumstance wise). But while I am grateful for much I also have crippling anxiety/depression up to several times a week. I am in final year of uni and am really starting to worry about maintaining my GPA. I am what many would describe as a high flier and am on track for first class honours, however I have had 1-2 bad semesters and cannot let go of them. I constantly berate myself for possibly losing this first-class because of a lazy sem in Year 1. I know of people who have done better than I and am sometimes consumed with jealousy. I have a job lined up after graduation where I am fairly certain the pay is determined by grades, and it drives me crazy to think that others entering the job might be earning hundreds more than me every month.

As a child, my father screamed at me for every mark I lost on every test, no excuses. It was a tough lonely 12 years which ruined our relationship and, I believe, led me to become incredibly insecure, competitive and unforgiving of myself. I feel guilty for every minute I am not productive and I want to excel at everything from uni to dancing to socialising. I even feel guilty for having anxiety as I know I have had a good life in general.

At times I'm so mentally exhausted I do nothing for hours, which then makes me feel worse about myself. 

To top it off I have a younger sister (visiting me at uni at the moment) who has never excelled at school. My father's expectations, though they were lowered by her time, drove her the opposite way. She seems to have given up her drive to pursue anything, squandering days away online and refusing to take action on anything or even leave the house. Even this is something I feel guilty about: I feel that as the older sister I should have done something to prevent this.

There is little I say that she will listen to as she resents me for doing better in school, and while I am desperate to help her, her constant complaints, attitude and self-entitlement are superbly annoying to me.

[geoff]

dear BS, everybody and anybody is entitled and deserves to be responded to as well as to post what they feel is troubling them, and in this situation it's you, so please don't feel as though you are in an awkward position.

There surely there must be a semester in which you don't feel focused, and could be distracted by whatever, boy it happened with me, actually the whole three years I loathed being at college, but that's another story, but there could be subjects that don't inspire you but you have to complete them.

I do understand how you feel, however to have a job lined up already is something that doesn't normally happen, and once you get settled then you can look around for a job that does pay well, so whether the other people are earning more, you don't know the amount of pressure they will be under in their first job, and which may indeed be too much for them.

So settle down in this position and gain some work experience which you will need when applying for other jobs.

I don't want to take away from what happened to you when your father 'let fly', because this in itself would discourage you which is defeating his purpose to get higher marks.

With regards to your sister, we all grow up looking after ourselves and paying little attention to our siblings, but your father wasn't an ideal influence on either of your educations, but now it seems as though your sister may need some help, and whether it's up to you to encourage her to see her doctor is determined by if she will pay attention to you.

I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

[Zeal]

Hi banana split,

Like you, I have been fortunate with my life circumstances. I also have a history of anxiety. I was diagnosed with OCD aged 13 (and still have it, though it's under control), and had mild depression in high school. I'm 22 now, and in my second year of a psychology degree. It sounds like you haven't seen a doctor about your anxiety. Talking to your GP about your current situation and symptoms, as well as your experiences with your father, is important. Talking over and coming to terms with your past could help to slightly ease the pressure you put upon yourself.

Having said this, it’s pretty amazing you are in the running for first class honours! I’m hoping to get into psychology Honours and then Masters, but I’m not sure I’ll get in. I’ve never been great at exams, so I will just do the best I can. Anyway, back to you! It’s great that you have a job waiting for you after graduation! I know of many people who have struggled to find a job after graduating, and who spend months and even years unemployed.

Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. I used to be jealous of my younger sister, who has always been more social and academic. I don’t feel this way now, as we are both doing different degrees and have different goals. Also, our personalities are poles apart. Keep visiting your sister and be there for her. She may become friendlier once she starts finding her place in the world. Try to be patient; I know this is hard!

If you find yourself too anxious or exhausted to study, try physically leaving the room you study in, and doing another activity. You could go for a walk, tidy the kitchen, listen to music, and so on. If you can’t focus on study, feeling guilty will just lead to further mental exhaustion and negative emotions. Believe me, I have been there, and still go there! I have always struggled to concentrate!

I went to a seminar at uni a few years back, and the presenter said he had a rule he followed throughout his undergrad and even postgrad days. This rule is that he doesn’t study on Friday or Saturday nights. This time was spent with family or friends, or doing something unrelated to work. He found this helped him to focus during the week, as he knew he had mental down-time coming up. I’ve tried this, and I think it can be helpful.

I hope something I said was useful! Good luck with uni this semester.

Take care,

SM

[banana_split]

THANKS a lot Geoff and SM.

Geoff I do know at the back of my mind that all these are pretty big blessings, and although they don't seem much when I'm down, thanks for reminding me to take note of them.  

SM it's good to find someone in the same age group and at uni too 🙂 and glad you managed to get over the jealousy you had of your sister! I'm sure that must have been quite liberating to say the least. I've spoken to a couple of counsellors at uni but they don't really do much emotional management, more tangible stuff like how to get a deadline extension.

many people have told me, and I know in my head that you shouldn't compare, but I think it's just something you have to come to feel over time. There are one or two issues I managed to come to terms with, but I think it's because I felt I could do something to fix them. With the grades at this stage I often feel trapped and that I'm just watching this unwanted outcome approaching and powerless to stop it.

The last week or so ended rather positively though, my sister heard me going off (to someone else) about how she was too passive, and that caused some tension for a day or so. I was terrified that our relationship would be ruined forever but thank goodness for her resilience (she's always been better at that than I). We had a good last day together and both apologised so I'm glad we came to that understanding.

I'm going to try and leave her alone for now, after all I didn't have much direction at 18 either and no amount of nagging would have changed that until I figured it out myself.