Coming to terms with my sexuality

tennisgirl16 · ‎01-11-2016

Hi all. I'm posting because I'd like some advice and support, but mostly I just want to share my story and where I'm at at the moment.

I'm a 22 year old girl and I've known I was attracted to women since I was a child. Probably 10 or so, or at whatever stage I started to think about that stuff. I have tried everything I know to change it (noone wants to stay in pain for such a long time) and I have successfully lived in denial for all this time. However upon falling in love with a girl, making some bad decisions and having this snowball and ruin my life, my family found out about it and I began seeing therapists and taking medication (which I still do). I have never been able to talk about the fact that I'm attracted to women until probably now, and even then it's with trusted friends (not family) and my therapist.

I think the trouble I've had is with my upbringing and my family. I have grown up in the church all my life, subscribed to that lifestyle and belief system, still do actually, and entered leadership in my church which I love and will never leave. However since a couple years ago I've stepped down from leadership and I've been forced to deal with my personal life a lot more closely, because I've learnt you can't escape a broken life; I need to fix my inner life up. I've lived with such shame and guilt and fear for several years about this because I don't know how to tell my family about my sexual identity, I don't know how to reconcile my faith and church attendance with my hidden attractions and if I ever have a partner some day, and I'm just scared about how to approach coming to some sort of decision. My church is very open about the fact that I'm welcome, but I'm not able to be in leadership if I act on my feelings or am with someone. I am good with that now, because my mental health is worth more to me than leadership, although it wasn't for a while.

I guess I'm just trying to learn how to reconcile who I am with my family's extremely anti-LGBT Christian attitudes, and my church's position on it, and I guess my fear of what people will think.

If you have read this far, thank you for reading! I am still not through this journey, but thankfully I keep taking my next step.

Zeal · ‎01-11-2016

Hi tennis girl,

Welcome to the forum!

Thanks for introducing yourself. I'm a 23 year old female, and I am supportive of same-sex relationships 🙂

Ascribing to a religion such as Christianity and also identifying as a LGBTIQ individual is complex. Thankfully, Churches now seem to be generally more accepting of those who are not heterosexual. It is fantastic that your Church has openly accepted you and made it clear that you are still welcome. If you don't mind me asking, did family members express outright disapproval of your sexuality, or was it more like avoidance of the subject? Hopefully a few family members had less negative reactions, such as siblings. It is great that you have now told close friends about your sexuality. Being in Generation Y, hopefully they would have been accepting. Most people I know are accepting of same-sex relationships, which is great.

This page has links to resources you may find useful:

http://au.reachout.com/lgbtiq-support-services

It sounds as though you may still be dealing with low self-esteem, so this resource is worth exploring:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

Hopefully your therapist can continue to help.

Best wishes,

Zeal

MsPurple · ‎01-11-2016

Hi tennisgirl and thank you for sharing your story

Like you it took me till my early/mid twenties to talk to my mental health nurse about my sexual confusion. I am not gonna go too into it as I have commented on another post recently about my coming out but in short it took me around 8 years to really be open with myself and starting my acceptance journey (still a work in progress). I am a female and I consider myself bisexual.

When I was younger I was at a semi cult like church. I think they have settled down now but I am no longer with this church. Anyway they said that homosexuality was a deadly sin. That was one of the sins I never understood and will never understand. How can love be a deadly sin. I understand murder as it is done with hate but how can love be bad? I just never understood it. Upon reading some versus in the bible they talk about other sins including tattoos, cutting hair and other things. As the time went on these were no longer seen as sinful (or at least a hell sending sin) and todays churches accept this. I believe if the bible was still being written today same sex relationships and love would no longer be seen as a sin. As the bible progessed so did some of the ideas behind sin. Now you don't have to agree with me but this is my thought process. God also knows we are sinful and thats why we repent and show love to him and his children. All in all I don't think same sex love is a deathly sin as it was once seen in the bible (like tattoos). I know people can be Christian and gay/lesbian.

Hope this helps and thanks for sharing your story

geoff · ‎02-11-2016

hello Tennisgirl, welcome to the BB site and thanks for posting your comment.
We all try hard to forget about our life which maybe broken, but that's impossible, because it always pounds on us every minute of every day, so then we have to try and find the peace we are desperately looking for.
You can't live your life on what people expect of you, it will never work and you won't be happy, because life is what you want to do and not what others tell you to do in relations to their own belief.
There are so many things you want to do, such as work, uni, where you decide to live and especially who would like to be with and each one of these is totally up to you.
Never feel as though you maybe ostracised, we are talking about your own life and how you feel, and if that's where you feel comfortable then follow your instinct, because one day your parents won't be with you, and for you to struggle with this feeling should not happen.
( excuse me for saying that one day your parents won't be here and hope that I haven't hurt you) Geoff. x

tennisgirl16 · ‎18-01-2017

Hello Zeal. Thanks so much for your reply. In answer to your question, I am currently not out to my immediate or wider family. I think the reason is because I have been in the context of my immediate, non-affirming family for so long, I feel quite trapped and like I am not safe to tell family members, whereas I think my wider family members who do not practice any religion would be completely accepting and wouldn't care about my sexuality. However within my own family unit (a small family of 4) I have assessed the situation and am sure that I will not be safe and able to come out at this current time. Because of homophobic comments and religious beliefs I have heard from them about the broader topic it has become very clear to me that they outright disapprove of homosexuality (although I am sure they didn't know they were talking about me when they say those hurtful things). So because of this I am being avoidant and doing what is necessary to keep myself safe and to build some confidence into my already low self-esteem. However, one day it is my heart's desire that my family will fully know me and celebrate me for who I truly am.

Zeal · ‎04-02-2017

Hi tennisgirl,

I apologise for my very delayed reply. I was overseas from 17 Jan until yesterday, and I lost track of this thread!

It saddens me that you don't feel safe to disclose your sexuality to your family, though it sounds as though their religious beliefs have a large part in this. The silver lining is that you feel you will be accepted by other relatives. Your attitude is great, as you are keeping yourself safe from hurtful comments from your immediate family while you build up your own confidence and self-esteem. I hope for you that one day your family will know about your sexuality, and at least accept it on some level.

Best wishes,

Zeal

ST20050775 · ‎13-02-2017

Hi tennis girl

I completely understand where you are coming from, my mother is the same in that she too makes remarks about gays etc. But I also know that if I did come out to her she would be completely accepting. I am a bi guy, 23, and have told nobody about my feelings. It is hard and I am starting to realise that I will eventually have to come out, as you already have. A big thing for me is realising, and having others realise that what you feel isn't by choice. I think that's what people don't understand. You can't control who you're attracted to, so why should it matter.

I hope you get the acceptance you deserve from your family sooner rather than later.