Clingy Guy

[ellafulla]

There's this guy, and we have been talking for maybe.. 3 weeks at the most. He claims that he loves me and has proven to be completely obsessed with me. We always catch up which isn't a problem but sometimes he just randomly shows up where I am while I'm out with my girlfriends and then proceeds to continually pull me aside saying he "needs to talk to me" but all he wants is a hug, or for something sexual, or for him to keep asking "are you okay?" about an issue that had happened days ago, although I might not be okay, I tell him I'm fine. Every time we talk, he's always worried about me, or stressed about something to do with me and I feel as though he is emotionally draining me, He removes all my happiness, joy and emotion and takes it for himself. I'd be okay with it if he left some for me but he hasn't and now I feel constantly depressed because I have this person, always looking over my shoulder and if he even thinks I'm going to (metaphorically) trip, he wraps me in bubble wrap, places me on a satin pillow and cuddles me. I don't need someone to protect me from every little thing. I hate people taking care of me as it makes me feel incompetent to do anything on my own. I want to go out with other guys but I cant bear to hurt him. So I now have to deal with the feeling as though I am cheating on someone I'm not even dating. I just think I need him to give me some breathing space. I supposed, if he truly loved me, all he would want is for me to be happy. Not necessarily to be happy with him, but just happy in general. I just don't know how to start a conversation like that without hurting him. Because then he gets emotionally damaged and starts guilt tripping me without realising it and anyone who knows me personally would know that I would rather be hurt and drained completely myself, than to have someone feel "just a little down". I can't help it, it's who I am, it's what I do. Ugh why do I have to be so caring towards others. It would be so much easier if I could physically just be selfish and tell everyone what I want and what I was going to do without worrying about how it would affect them.

Honestly I don't know what to do anymore, I can't just tell him to go away but if I don't it may get worse.

[kanga_brumby]

Hi ellafulla welcome to BB forums. The last thing any body wants is to hurt someone elses feelings. But you need to feel ok in a relationship as well. You have to think of the big picture here. In this case that has to be you. From what you described it seams that he is following you around. Sometimes wanting sexual favors, with the excuse of wanting to talk. The way I see it he is hanging around you for his fantasies.

Not allowing you to get things wrong raping you up in cotton wool so you don't get hurt. I am a widower even I know you cannot do that. If you never get hurt you never learn to grieve or solve problems yourself. You need space to grow. You don't need someone running your life like he is trying to do. You do need to be more assertive and tell him to back off and give you room to grow. Or to leave you alone. That is both in one talk.

Kanga

[Croix]

Dear Ellafulla~

As Kanga said - welcome.

I'm afraid this guy does not sound good for you. Look I'm sure you know already but I'll say it anyway in case coming from someone else it means more.

A good relationship is between equals, mutual support yes, mutual responsibility and freedom, yes. Both parties have to think it is great - end of story.

It's not happening here, he's pushing your guilt button, needs you to be some sort of personal attendant catering to his needs. Need for reassurance, need to wrap you up, need for ... and so on.

I honestly don't think this sounds like love, it sounds more like being totally preoccupied by himself and his feelings, masked by a silly facade of concern.

If it was me - yes I know it is not, yes also it is easy for me to say because I'm not involved - I'd tell him you are not interested, will not be and to go away.

Then enjoy your life and look for an equal to be with.

Sorry to be blunt.

I'd like you to feel you can always post back, doesn't matter if you disagree.

Croix

[geoff]

hello Ellafulla, well there's no much more I can say as Kanga and Croix have pretty well said it all, the only thing you need to do is to be honest with him and tell him to step back, he's encroaching on your well being, that's not what you want, and if he does get upset then that's what he has to contend with, because some girls/females don't want anyone to impede on their privacy, because that's exactly what he is doing.
Be honest and tell him that you 'are already seeing someone', whether or not you are doesn't matter, it's giving him a hint to back off, because there will be other times when that's what you want to tell someone else.
You can't accept anything from anybody if you don't want to, and through life this will happen many times, stand your ground, and if for any reason he doesn't back off, then you are able to legal able to do something about this.
He seems to be stalking you and that is never permitted. Geoff.