Clarity would be nice

[Jay_P]

Before I explain what’s going on I should mention I’m 20 years old, ive got friends a job, a girlfriend, things are good. I don’t really know where to take it from there before things become clustered and convoluted. I guess my year 12 relationship could be a good place to start. the feelings I felt for the girl I was dating were all new to me to begin with, you could say I was pretty whipped. The negative was she had never been in a good mindset to begin with (ie. self harm and depression, which had been concealed quite damn well) but we made really good progress for a couple months until the inevitable we crashed and burned. After not much time my new girlfriend who I’ve been with for 2 years was really trying to make waves for a relationship between me and her. I wasn’t into it at the time but I grew into it. She’s an amazing girl and I want nothing but the greatest things out of life for her. However I know the feeling I felt with that year 12 relationship, the intensity I felt. It just isnt there at times. Amongst that it’s become apparent over our 2 year relationship that her mood stability isn’t the strongest. She gets really upset when I leave her house to go home, or essentially anything negative that could compromise our relationship. She will cry and become mute for 30 minutes - 2 hours all the while I’m trying to cheer her up. I guess the problem I’m trying to convey is I’m beginning to feel more and more pressured into looking after her emotions than exploring my own opportunities. We have great times when the good times happen, and we kind’ve text eachother like it’s a habit you know. I couldn’t imagine what kind of void that constant conversation disappearing would feel like. She has friends but none that she sees regularly, which worries me. She studies for her uni which I’m completely supportive of, it just becomes a problem when I want to make plans with friends an I’m the only friend she considers to hang out with. I’ve never cheated on my girlfriend, however many occasions have arose. I couldn’t help but feeling like I was missing out on those opportunities. I just really feel like I could handle being single, but if it was to become her reality it would really mess with her. Also we live on different ends of the city so it’s 40 minutes regardless if one of us wants to see eachother, when we started dating I lived around the corner from her. My family moved shortly after.

What would you do if you were in my position?

[james1]

Hey Jay,

Welcome to the forums.

Relationships are very confusing and sometimes things will feel stale because the relationship or the individuals haven't been tended to (e.g. too much time apart, too much time together, not talking enough about the relationship), and sometimes they'll feel stale because you're just not compatible.

It's hard to say.

The only real constant in any relationship is that there needs to be communication when things are going south like they are now.

It sounds like you really struggle to deal with how much she seems to depend on you for social and emotional support.

I guess there are two things to look at here: what is happening in her mental world, and what kind of relationship are you looking for?

So I'd have a chat to her about how you feel when she gets upset because you have to leave, as well as her not seeing any friends.

But before that, I'd ask yourself what you want in a relationship. I'm 25 and I know I just don't want to have to support my partner. It's just basically out of the question right now. I don't want to settle, I don't want to think long term. Not to say my current girlfriend isn't long term, but if she turned around tomorrow and asked to move in, I'd say no. Thankfully we're both on the same page because it would be unfair on both of us if we wanted different things right now.

James

[White_Rose]

Dear Jay

Hello. Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about the things that bother you. Many of us have been where you are now and have an understanding of how it feels and we have been equally confused about where we are going. Sometimes the options all sound horrendous.

James has given you some good pointers about relationships. We cannot see what is happening in our own lives because it is all happening around us. And it is hard to step back and take a good look. I hope we can help you to do that, to look at your life.

It's an ideal situation to be friends with someone whose company you enjoy and to go out together to various places. If one person wants more or a different relationship we have to stop and look at what is happening. You have given a great description of your life. There is one thing I want you to understand. No matter how nice the other person is, it's not a sufficient reason to be their sole support, to mould your life to their needs, especially when you are starting out in life.

James has suggested you both talk about how you feel when she gets upset. I would also add, let her explain why she gets upset. I notice you live some distance from each other. When you go out can you arrange to meet in a more central spot? That way neither of you is faced with a long journey home after being out. By all means see her on to the bus or train or however she is getting home. I think this would help to make it clear your r/ship is not your full time responsibility.

Sadly we cannot make people like us or stop people liking us. Well not unless you want to change your personality and I consider that an extreme action. If you feel tied to one person it's up to you to say that's not what you want at this stage of your life. I am certain you do not want to hurt her feelings but it is is her responsibility to care for herself.. We all must feel comfortable in our own skins and not try to be a different person to suit the wants of someone else.

You also say being with this girl is different to being with your year 12 GF. Well yes, everyone is different and elicits a different response from different people. You want someone you feel compatible with and presumably your partner will want the same.

Go out and have fun, enjoy the company of many people, be kind, find out who you are before becoming one half of a couple. Say you are not looking for a long term r/ship and simply want to do the things you enjoy.

Oops, run out of words.

Mary