Can telling your partner that you have depression mend your relationship?

[SarahSarah44]

I few days before I got told I had depression and anxiety I had a massive fight with my boyfriend of almost 5 years, that has made him question if we can get out of this cycle of having a massive fight that is so messy that we break up. We have broken up before because of this...

I never realised there was something wrong until my doctor asked me if I had feelings of depression and aniexty and it all came flooding out as she asked me more questions (I was at the doctors because my period as been going for weeks and I’ve gained a lot of weight even though I excerise)

the best way I could discribe it is that I lost a part of myself, my light is gone, I just feel darkness all the time. I think my relationship is always on the verge of ending because I feel so crap. I always thought this feeling was me holding on to the pain of the last break up. I was picking fights with boyfriend all the time and it was causing a lot of problems

But there was a happy 8 months before all this happened.

I’ve spoken to him since visiting the doctor and told him everything that is happening. He said he needs time to work out what he wants

So my question is? Could we get past this? Is me finding out what contributed to me loosing the best parts of me going to help rebuild our relationship? Or do you think I should expect the worse?

I’m so detremend to get better, not for my relationship, but for me, because I don’t want to be my mother (my mother suffers from depression, but refuses to excerise or any self help excerises)

[smallwolf]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Just a quick reply initially... I want you to know that you are not alone and you will be well supported by other users here.

Secondly when I found out that I have depression and anxiety it was a great relief because I now had an explanation for how I was feeling and would then be able to find ways through this. I hope the same applies to you.

Thirdly, I don't know what might happen with the relationship. Again, certainty or craving certainty is one of my issues. You said that you are determined to get better which is a real positive! I hope your relationship survives this.

Lastly, check out the threads on the forum about grounding and mindfulness. You might get some ideas to help.

Peace and blessings,

Tim

[Doolhof]

Hi Sarah,

I too welcome you to the community here. Having a diagnosis will certainly provide you with some acknowledgement and validation regarding how you have been feeling. Mental health issues are an illness like any other illness or disease!

Now you have this knowledge, you can work on how you want to react to this, how you may be able to find help and assistance and what you may like to try to do differently.

The Beyond Blue website has a lot of information about depression and anxiety, also about how you can help yourself and how others can help the person suffering from this conditions.

Both my husband and I suffer from long term depression and other mental health issues. There are times when we have "bounced off" each other, guess it just depends on how your boyfriend handles the situation.

Maybe you could ask him to attend a Drs appointment with you.

Regarding your Mum and her depression, depending on the age of your Mum, it might be a case of her generation not accepting depression and not being informed with what could help. Some people even these days do not accept depression as an illness and think it is just a state of the mind we should be able to get over ourselves!

Congratulations to you for wanting to help yourself!

Cheers from Dools

[SarahSarah44]

Thank you for your reply

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone, I’m so scared of what this means for my future

but also do feel a sense of relief that I know what’s been happening to me

I guess I’m blaming the depression for everything wrong in my relationship and using it to justify my behaviour I guess.

I know that not right

I think you’re right about my Mum, when I told her I told my girlfriends about what’s going on with me she got mad that I was telling people

turns out a few of them have been on all sorts of medication and struggled too. It was very eye opening because I had no idea they had these feelings

I really love my boyfriend and want this is all be okay a little too much

[SPOONO]

I wont beat around the bush cos I have bipolar, I found letting everyone know it was a sickness not you causing the problems helped me heaps and, this works for me I guess you've heard of mindfulness, this is a good way.
1. put on some relaxing music that you like or noises of rain or wind, thunder can all be found they don't relate to anything as much as music.
2. Get comfortable anyway you like I prefer laying down but whatever you like.
3. Breathe in deep for count of four, hold for count of four, breath out for count of six or longer as you feel yourself melting down onto bed or whatever.
If that doesn't work, Noah Elkrief gives lectures in a good way on YouTube and teaches mindfulness and living in the NOW.
Cheers. Spoono

[geoff]

Hello Sarah, thanks for posting your comment and I'm sorry about what's happened but it's good you have spoken to your friends, because they too may have been hiding their own feelings, too scared to open up, now they can.

Your mother has been struggling herself and is not helping herself from what you have told us, then she has no right to tell you what you shouldn't do and what you should do, as she's not leading by example.

In your relationship, no matter how much you love your boyfriend depression can still be a cause of it, or having depression outside of your relationship can break it up, but maybe he doesn't understand what this illness means and what it's capable of doing to someone.

The one important thing is to get better and look after yourself, you need to rebuild your strength.

Talk with your friends, your doctor, and ask if they can refer you onto a psychologist using a 'mental health plan', which you are entitled to Medicare rebates for up to 10 individual or 10 appointments.

Can I also suggest contacting Headspace and/or Reachout they help with people up to the age of 25 years.

Berst wishes.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sarah

I join the others who have welcomed you to the forum. This is a good place to talk your depression without fear of repercussions. You are safe here.

I thinks it's great you have spoken to your friends and discovered that they also struggle with problems. It can become a self-help group where you support each other when they have 'down' days and can help you in the same situation. I know when was told I had depression I thought I was the only person in the world to feel that way. What a relief to find I was not going mad or anything like that.

Your mom unfortunately lived her early life in a time when any mental illness was hidden and people with any mental illness were supposed to pull up their socks, stop being sorry for themselves and to get on with life. I suspect many suicides came from this thinking when people felt so bad in the first place and were then told there was nothing wrong with them. Dreadful place to be.

I do suggest you get some professional help to get through this time. Start by talking to your GP about a referral to someone. Once you have started to talk to someone perhaps you can talk to mom about it and suggest she also gets help.

I'm sorry your boyfriend is hesitating about being with you. It's useful to tell him about your depression because you have something concrete to work from. However, please do not assume that everything that has gone wrong in your relationship is your fault. Relationships are tricky beasts and after five years you should know each other well enough to know what presses your individual buttons. It may be helpful for both of you to read the information on Beyond Blue about depression. There is heaps for you to read and download. Look at the Depression circle on the BB home page and go from there. Show the information to your BF.

I will add The Kids Helpline to the list of people who can help. Despite its name it is for people up to the age of 25. Their web address is https://kidshelpline.com.au/ and they have a 24/7 phone line, 1800 55 1800.

I hope you will continue to post in to this forum where we can support you. Perhaps read some of the other posts about depression to see what has helped others.

Mary

[SarahSarah44]

Thank you everyone for your replies

my boyfriend said he has too much doubt about us just ending back here in a big fight

He said he noticed a change in me a long time ago and doesn’t understand why what he was doing didn’t fix things. I wish he actually bought it up with me, so I could of seen the doctor sooner

I guess he believes even with me seeing someone and getting help, things won’t change

he was heartbroken too, I’ve never seen him cry before. I think he’s protecting himself

hes my soulmate and my best friend and a part of me thinks that when I do get on top of this and I will, he will see the girl he loves is back and we can maybe begin to heal I guess

Anyway, all your comments have been very helpful in this state on confusion

Thank you

[Doolhof]

Hi Sarah,

I really do hope you are able to gain some help, assistance and a sense of acceptance with all that has been happening.

I have been told that men try to fix things and when they can't they become frustrated and don't know what to do.

Mental health issues not always are something you can just "Fix" so easily.

Maybe you can come up with ways your boyfriend can help you and together you can build on create strategies.

Wishing you all the best.

Cheers from Dools