Can anybody help me understand?

[what_why]

I just don't know whether I am just a spoilt brat or if there is something seriously wrong with me. I feel bad just writing this (it really makes me cringe) because I know people (personally and out there in the world) that have it way worse than me and by all accounts...happy and sociable. But here I am at 2:30 am creating an account on this website out of pure impulse to blab to a bunch of strangers about "what's wrong with me". My life at the moment is somewhat perfect, my dad (an alcoholic and diagnosed with GAD) has been sober for nearly 7 months now and even when things got bad he never hurt me in anyway other than betraying my trust by drinking, in fact both my parents never ceased to express care for me and my siblings, the whole family seems completely happy and to quote them "the house is starting to seem bright again". But for some reason I keep thinking about the worst nights and the chaos that occurred.

I have friends who, if I am being honest, maybe use me as the butt of the joke a little too much, however I can assure you they have proved that when push comes to shove they have my back. Still even then I can't help but feel they couldn't care less and that they will leave me or they are talking behind my back about what mopey, coward I am or something like that. All of these things only come out when I drink (how original right) and my most recent escapade had me throwing up and crying over god knows what to a few of them effectively ruining their night which, although they won't admit it, I did.

I think the thing that most describes what I am paranoid about is explained by something I heard in the show 'Mad Men'. That is Leonards dream about being in a refrigerator, hearing everyone outside. Then the fridge opens and they smile and are happy to see him, but they might not look at him, and they might not pick him, then the door closes and the light goes off. As you can see I have given this a lot of though over something like 6 months... I just want somebody to tell me whether I am being a whiny pain in the ass or if there might be something wrong with me. I have done this before and I always get told that this is normal and it should pass, but this feeling still isn't gone. I may not even look at this thread again out of embarrassment or I may just do so for the same reason, either way just tell it to me straight because if its something bad I probably need to hear it...

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Why will people think you're a coward? Is there something you want to do that you haven't done?

Seems like you're pretty ashamed for some reason. The website's anonymous, so probably no-one you know will ever see what you write unless you accidentally leave it open on your computer.

What chaos occurred in these "worst nights"?

[what_why]

I feel like they think I should stand up for myself more, or be more assertive and outgoing. Also that's just one of the reasons, I just kinda don't want people (even strangers) to have any negative idea of me, even when my mum took us to a psychiatrist I couldn't bring myself to talk about everything (it mostly vague responses and just agreeing with everything he said with nodding and the occasional "mhmm"). As for the worst nights the most particular one is when my brother in fact came home drunk fighting off one of his friends stopping him from jumping in our pool, mum came, then dad came, shouting, shouting and more shouting, police, aunties house, and dad left to go to stay at our grandparents house in Coffs Harbour for a while. That's an alright summary I think

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Well, assertive and outgoing is kind of useful generally. If you want something, hey, you can go and get it. That's powerful. The alternative - waiting around for stuff to magically happen by itself - very rarely works out. The natural tendency of the universe is for everything to be broken and chaotic in a million different ways, not to make everything work out nicely. So without work put into goals, the default outcome tends to be that they don't happen.

Most things you're likely to come across in the modern world are less scary than they seem. Because your body is working with old technology. Your caveman psyche knows how to become terrified because it thinks you'll die if your tribe rejects you. It doesn't know that being rejected nowadays doesn't matter too much because there are 7 billion more people to ingratiate yourself with, and anyway food and protection from tigers can be got from a store and police force rather than requiring hunting partners. It makes you care a lot about what people think of you. This sort of thing can be trained away a bit, by purposely doing the terrifying thing. Gradually, your brain learns "Oh, that thing actually was fine-ish. I didn't explode. I guess I'll stop raising the alarm about it so much".

Was your mum with you at the psychiatrist? You could ask for her to leave the room. Actually a good psych would ask you if you wanted that anyway, but if not, you can do it yourself.

If your family is as caring as you say, you may want to talk to them about this stuff. It can be hard because of the embarrassment factor, but all it takes is a single moment of bravery to bring up the subject, and then the conversation should carry itself and get less awkward.

[Croix]

Dear What&Why~

I guess there are a fair few people that have been stuck in the hours of the night when alone with their thoughts and made a first post in the hope of something, not sure what.

Well here you will find others who are feeling the same, or better yet have felt that way and coped and have a better life now.

Sometimes events take place that make us feel so small and unimportant, we have no influence in what happens and that feeling of helplessness lives on in us, as anxiety, fear, self-doubt. We end up feeling friends are there but not really for us, parents have their problems and we are only on the fringe. We are without influence.

So no, you are not a spoiled brat, you are not a whiny pain in the ass either. You have a legitimate problem and it really should be looked at. As Vegetarian Marshmallow said it takes a moment of courage to take action, but then the idea of a better life without these worries is a powerful influence and can help you make the move. Not depending on others to always think good of you, but having the right to think good (or otherwise) of them - as equals.

I would suggest getting outside help, Headspace if you are under 25, or a GP. Set it all down - including drink - in a long consultation and see what happens. Most of us, me included, need a helping hand.

If you are able to get a GP or psychologist please do not go the same way as last time, just make them understand the truth - even if you have to write it all down first and offer the paper - I did that. Consultations are private, parents and others only there by your invitation, if ever.

There is a thread here called Forums / Long term support over the journey / Battling the booze. You may think I'm overreacting by mentioning it, however from your own account drink does seem to play a large part with some members of your family.

I hope you are comfortable enough to come back (you don't have to wait until after midnight every time:) and talk again

Croix

[Sleepless1987]

As the daughter of a recovering alcoholic I can hear you. I recall horror nights, they are burned into my brain. I have few friends due to my habit of self isolation, I find it hard to trust people. My father broke my trust and if he could do that what could other people do? Find someone you can talk to. Someone who can be objective, who is separate from the situation. If your friends are making a joke of you and your situation then maybe you need to spend time with other people. It sounds as if they are no good for your current situation.

[what_why]

They don't make fun of my situation, in fact a few of them are somewhat helpful and show some concern. Mostly they just try to avoid talking about it and when it comes up they deal with it for the night and move on, which is all I can really ask of them in my view. I think they can just be immature and it's more of a problem that they just don't know when to stop with the "roast". It would seem sometimes that my friends are like the comments on a youtube video, when there great they're great, and when they're bad they are REALLY bad.

[Sleepless1987]

Are you able to tell them how you feel? I'm glad you're friends are supportive. It's hard to be honest and open. These situations can make people feel uncomfortable.