Hi Kiiim22, Welcome to BB forum.
You showed great courage writing your words. Cruel experiences from school ages can stay with you for decades. I'm 58yo. But when I was 12 it was the Beetles era and Elvis. Boys had their hair greased and combed back like fonzie. Well my hair was like arfo when it grew long. So I combed for hours so it straightened. Then in the morning I'd use a product called brylcreem to grease it down. The trouble was that during the day my hair would stand up high as it dried. That would be fashionable today but not then so I was ridiculed.
One day a teacher came up to me in front of about 30 kids and grabbed my hair and acted like he was disgusted with it. All the kids laughed. A minute later we all walked to class and on the way went to the toilets and cried till school finished 2 hours later. I cant recall if I was missed. Obviously not. That is in my mind today, 46 years later. I still hate that teacher. We have a right to our feelings.
I urge you to seek your medical guidance. Tell them everything that you feel. Dont be afraid. They are there to help you. I too have had members of my family suicide a brother and an uncle. My brother left us in 1979 at 27yo. It hurt our family so much that we never really recovered. But even as my sister and I have depression and other issues we have bound together in a pact never to go down that road. Whatever it takes. If down we ring each other and talk. We have found an inner strength that is deep inside us that we have tapped into. I hope you find it also. Hope you find someone you can trust.
If all else fails and you are desperate please please ring Beyond Blue or lifeline and speak to the many wonderful comforting people on the phone. It is all about perspective and these people can clear your mind and get things into proper perspective as our mind often plays tricks on us.
My brother didnt live to see my daughters, nor my life in the country. I miss him. I hope you stay in touch here. We are anonymous and yet almost like family.
Remember always- you are unique, there is no other human like YOU, will change like the world changes, you will recover, you will laugh again, you will succeed. I didnt think I would during a period in 1996. Now 18 years later those memories are so distant and my recovery is 95%. I'm happy now and my issues are managed. Your will be too. Dont give up.
