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Being/feeling ugly seems to be the source of all my problems

Community Member

It's easier said than done to say "just don't let it bother you". That seems to be the top piece of advice on the "I'm ugly" topic, and it's demeaning and hardly motivational. Because it does bother me, all the time. And I can't just switch that off.

I'm losing confidence, because I think I'm ugly. I haven't had my first kiss, because I don't think anyone would want to. I'm too scared of moving schools because I don't think people will want to be my friend. I hang around people who like me even if I don't like them, because what if I never have anyone else like me. I don't open up to people, because I think they'll say to themselves "well, what can she expect".

And the thing is, it doesn't matter what the 'truth' is. Because I know what my truth is and it's my truth that's holding me back. I think I'm ugly and you can tell me I'm beautiful but I won't believe it. And that's my problem. I'm so firm in my views and I don't know what to do. There's so much that I want to do, but I just don't have the confidence to do it

13 Replies 13

Community Member

Hi Maddo,

I bet you're really not at the top ( or Bottom) of the ugly ladder.

I bet you're right somewhere in the middle like the rest of us.

Then there's the bad breathe ladder, the body odour ladder .... and what ever ladder.

What about the kindness to animals ladder, the considerate to others ladder.

Don't sell yourself short and there's no need to start kissing frogs and toads just for the sake of getting your numbers up.

I'm sure you can think of some things that make you shine

Try working on that for a while

You'll be just fine.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Maddo, welcome to BB

Read your post and had same feelings when I was younger but now know it wasn't the case, for me it was depression making me feel that way and of course people can be sooo good can't they at putting us down.

With depression comes low self esteem.

I'll be back tomoz to talk more if you're still around, hope so

Thanks for the responses.

I know this will sound vain, but it's not the sort of thing that I would ever say out loud or ever feel comfortable saying.

I try so hard to be the perfect person, I always have. And I just feel like I don't deserve to be ugly. I do well in school, I have talents. I always include people, I put others before myself, I don't leave people on read, I don't create situations where anyone might feel uncomfortable. I give compliments, I carry a conversation, I embarrass myself to make others feel better. I always put everything I can into advice for other people, and make them my number one priority. I care so much about people, because I understand what it's like to need a pick-me-up. I devote myself to everyone else, but at the end of the day, I'm not the person i want to be. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the person I feel like I am. And when I compare myself to the 'pretty people' in my life, I don't feel like they're as worthy of it as I am.

Like I said, I'd never say any of this out loud or to anyone, and this is so out of character for me. But it's something I need to say and saying it to a computer screen is easier than saying it to a friend, especially when I feel like deep down they'll agree with me.

Community Member

Hey Maddo,

In high school this is exactly how I felt. My sisters would always say things about how jealous they were of my body and that I should learn how to 'flaunt' it, which would only make me more self-conscious and feel more guilty and ashamed of not being able to like my appearance, as well as just further distrusting them and any of their opinions. I was disgusted with myself.

I think of it now as a very normal insecurity that most people have in high school (everyone does at some point to different degrees) that was intensified by my anxiety. If I started to feel less self-conscious about my body, then it would move to my personality, or the way I spoke in presentations, way I dressed etc. It was the anxiety and low self-esteem that was the problem, not my body or myself in anyway.

It is fine that you feel this way about yourself, just know that it is the anxiety/depression, which can be managed and treated. Saying these insecurities out loud to a psychologist will give you some relief, and hopefully start the work on accepting yourself. CBT would be great for you I think. You will eventually be able to make decisions and act in an a way based on what YOU want, not based on minimizing the anxiety. Takes hard work, not a quick fix, but what is more important than your own mental health?

Something that changed my perspective on my body is having severe chronic fatigue for a year...it made me wish I had appreciated myself and my health more..for my body allows me to run, jump, dance - to experience! To start - try and focus on the positives of what you can 'do' rather than how you look, which you can work on later.

Hopefully you can relate to my experience,

Wishing you well,

- m

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Maddo good to see you back 🙂

I can talk about what depression does to us but don't know if you are but what it does is pull us down in every way possible, it's a very powerful beast & attacks our self esteem wickedly.
It makes us think we're not worthy, pretty, good enough btw excellent that you're aware of your good points, but my question to you is in your words are you ugly or is it depression do you think making you see yourself in a negative spin.
Imo everyone has something, might be beautiful eyes, teeth, hair etc
I also think there's less beautiful people than average & often it's the average one's that shine

It's said often that beauty comes from within & heard somewhere recently if we're happy inside it shines outside which made me realise that's part of what that sayings about.

Btw none of that sounds vain.

They say looks are skin deep too Mads, it IS true, let's use a witch for example with a big wart on her nose, at first it's noticeable then as we get to know her in a very short time we start not to notice it.
It's the inside that matters, that's the personality that we want or don't want to be around & you've got the goods in spades by what you've said. You're the type of person that make people feel good & care. That's what matters tho I do know how you feel, as mentioned I thought same about myself until only recently I've started to like/love myself, long way to go but we can get there

Sadly there's way too much emphasis on beauty and not as much on what really matters, is what's inside

Something else too interesting heard lately on TV is they showed a tired person & same one that wasn't & you could see the difference. I think along those lines it applies too to feeling good about ourselves would come out physically too.

Keep talking if you want. Agree easier to a screen aye. Here for ya, sometimes afk but will eventually return

I as many others here also as you do care 🙂

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Maddo,

Welcome and the others have given you some wonderful responses already from their own experiences.

I don't have much to add except that what you are going through is very normal, though I realise that doesn't make it any easier. A lot of people struggle with this to different degrees and for different reasons, but body image and self-confidence come up so often on these forums. And the reason why is because it totally sucks to deal with. I'm a pretty average looking guy who's too lazy to do anything to "look better" - it mattered to me a lot before, and it matters to me less now, though it is a persistent thought in the back of my mind.

You said it does bother you and you can't just switch it off. I get that. It's a pretty core feeling right now.

When people say just don't think about it or don't let it bother you, what they really mean to say is work towards the goal of not letting it bother you.

This will take time and, I hate saying this, but we have to be patient with ourselves. As you well know, we are not robots, so changing our beliefs can take time. But we do need to work at it.

swtpotato and molokai suggested coming up with a list of things that are positive about yourself. That's a good one.

demonblaster suggested things on the inside are important too. Definitely worth thinking about.

You're doing awesome by sharing your thoughts with us. I hope you find talking about it useful.


Very good post swtpotato (swt)

I realized once working with an exceptionally pretty youngish chook, figured too would have it's downs. The boss that I'd worked with a couple other places too never had a problem pulling chooks & this one he was deep in but she wasn't interested. I said to her being pretty you'd never know if someone's just wanting you for their looks not what's inside, said you can say I won't think you're being vain & she said YES it's like that.

Too exactly what you said Swt the jealousy, some can be really nasty with it & making you self conscious about it on those terms is wrong.

So true what swt said Maddo that esp at school when the minds going through those hard emotional yrs & also throughout life I think there's a significant minority that REALLY are confident well fully anyway & some act it but aren't

I think you've got the goods to in time not worry about your looks because you've got so much good stuff happening inside & reiterating that you're aware is one of the big pluss's towards confidence.

LLY are confident, majority of people have self conscious feelings, such complex beings we are

Community Member

Hey Maddo

There aresome key themes in your initial post that i want to talk about a bit.

The first in regards to your first kiss. Don't feel weird or ugly because you haven't had one. I know it's not much comfort just saying that but i truly do mean it. The environments we interact in make us value things differently. School is an example of this. I am 24 and haven't had my first kiss, havent had sex and havent hooked up. I guess i do feel a bit worried about how people might perceive that but then i think 'screw them'. Its my choice. I will make my own values and set my life according to them. Case closed. I guess you could adopt a similar thing maybe idk?

I know what you mean about being empathetic too btw. I feel like i help others and all this and i dont want to be alone or feel ugly. But there is nothing quite like someone who is beautiful on the inside and outside so i suggest you keeo going at it.

As a single virgin male at 24, i dunno if i can provide much in the way of expertise on the matter at hand. I guess all I can do is empathise with you and encourage you to keep on keeping on.

Modern culture seems to push all sorts of crap on us in relation to relationships, sex and everything. Try and find things to occupy your time and find hobbies. Focus on what matters in your life most at this point.

Swtpotato (hi btw) is onto something when she talks about how people can get jealous of other's looks/potential. The notion that you are wasting it if you dont flaunt it and such.. i guess thats a thing with girls moreso idk? But i know people are surprised if they find out i am a virgin.. i can either be proud of that and be happy that they find me okay looking or i can take it negatively and think bad things about wasting it away... the choice is ulti ately mine. I chose the former. In my life atm i am trying to figure myself out. Thats the best thing any of us can do.

Anyway i hope what i said helps somehow. Just try to focus on wherever it is you are at in life 🙂


Heya 🙂

Very good post, like your attitude too, being your own person.

I think a lot of people will get a lot out of that

Cyaz later hope you come back to talk with us Maddo, when you're ready, we'll be here