Bad father-daughter relationship//How do I cope with a selfish dad?

[Aquarius1971]

My parents have been divorced for 11 years and just now as I’m older I have realised what a crap father I have. He works away in another state and lives there with his fiancée and her children. He used to come to my state to visit me for 2 weeks every 3/4 months. In the last 2/3 years he comes to see me for a week every 6/8 months. I recently found out he’s getting married while on a trip over seas, but he was not the one who told me this. I feel like he always puts himself first, I’m always the one messaging or calling him, he doesn’t contact me first. I’m starting to not want to have anything to with him. I don’t know what to do, How can I fix our relationship?

[therising]

Hi Aquarius1971

I hear your frustration and I truly feel for you during such a challenging time.

I know I'm playing with words a little when I speak of 'disappointment' but words are there to be played with, so here goes:

We appoint roles to people in our life; a father for example may be appointed the role of provider, mate, confidant, problem solver, reliable etc. He may be appointed these roles by his wife, his children and so on. The disappointment side of things involves him not living up to those roles. In other words he dis-appoints or unappoints himself from those roles he has been given. You are left to feel and experience that dis-appointment. I hope that makes sense. What you are really witnessing at this time is your dad choosing the roles he has decided to play (whether his choices are fully conscious or not). But hang on a minute...

Now is when your choices also become important. Yes, it's not all about him, despite what he may think. So, the question becomes 'What realistic roles are you now going to appoint him?' Effective communicator (in regard to regular contact and relevant news)? Upstanding reliable father figure, there in times of trouble? Have a think about it. The thing is, when it comes to giving someone specific roles to play in our life, in order for these roles to be successfully filled the other person has to first know about them and be clear in what is expected of them in these roles. Second, they must agree to these roles otherwise automatic dis-appointment becomes inevitable.

So Aquarius, have a think about what you expect from your dad and work out ways to negotiate how you are both going to reform the relationship, into something new, honest, achievable and mutually respectful. If he can't make any commitment then you may have to accept that, whilst turning to others in your life who are reliable and steadfast in their commitment to you. Keep in mind to always identify yourself positively - Don't be saying 'I am someone who is not important (to him)' instead say 'I am someone who deserves respect and consideration for I am valuable to all, whether they know it or not.'

Hope I've helped give you a different angle.

Take care of yourself Aquarius and remember, never appoint a role to someone which they are incapable of filling.

[Aquarius1971]

Thank you so much this has really helped. I haven’t really had anyone to talk to who has an outsider perspective on things. I’ll try to talk things out with him more so he knows what I’m wanting from him. Again your advice is much appreciated xox

[LavenderTea]

Hey Aquarius1971,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this.

These types of things can be a bit tricky but therising has suggested some really good points. Conversation is key. Having a talk about what you're feeling, what your expectations are, and what your father thinks/feels is really important.

It does sound like you have a lot of emotions built up, so sometimes, conversations like these can be difficult when all you want to do is express all of those emotions. It might be helpful for you to write down some of your thoughts, and then have this with you so that you say everything you wanted to without forgetting or getting too caught up in emotion. Typically, when these conversations occur, an overload of emotions can make it sound like you're blaming the other person as well. Regardless of whether there is blame or not, these conversations typically work best when you don't come across as blaming, because it usually make the other person defensive and makes them shut off from the conversation.

Lastly, I'd suggest managing your expectations. You might not receive the answer/solution you were hoping for, so it's important that you practice a lot of self-care (e.g. relaxation, time alone or social time, exercise etc), and prepare yourself for the possibility of a negative outcome.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

LT.

[Aquarius1971]

Thank you, you’re very right with the fact that all my emotions have built up, I’ve never told him any of the problems I have as I’m afraid he won’t like me anymore. I’ve been keeping a diary for about a year now and that has helped me a lot. Again thank you so much for the advice