Any advice on dealing with loneliness?

[XYZ123]

I've had a lot going on in my life recently which has triggered a struggle with loneliness and anxiety about the future. 

My 1st boyfriend and I broke up over 8 months ago and although we were good friends he has recently started to no longer initiate any communication with me. Our relationship ended prematurely due to him moving away and we were both incredibly sad at the time. Whenever I contact him he is friendly but he doesn't say much. He has now back living locally and has been unemployed for a number of months but plans to move overseas when he can get work. For a while I was concerned that he might be feeling depressed about not having any work but when I asked him if he was ok he said he was fine and our friendship has declined from there. He told me that he didn't want a relationship before he eventually moves overseas because it will hurt too much to say goodbye but we would remain friends however I feel like I probably have to assume that his lack of initiating communication means that he doesn't want to be friends. He was a co-worker and we decided to keep our relationship private from our friends and family as we both thought it was important to maintain a good professional reputation as this was both of our first professional work experience. Hence I haven't been able to discuss this relationship breakdown with anyone. 

It has also been a hard time with my close group of friends that I've had for around 15 years. In the last couple of years I've been noticing that I'm drifting away from them as our lives are so different now. Particularly in the last few months, I seem to be the only one making the effort to make plans together and when we catch up it seems to be me asking questions and listening to them and they rarely ask about me. 

In the last month or so, I've had a number of severe allergic reactions, my mum has been unwell and I've was made redundant from a new job and have been forced to go back to an old job that can be quite miserable for me, which has added to my loneliness. I don't want to be needy or be seen to be a whinge by contacting people but sometimes it is hard to stay really positive without talking to others. 

This is also my final year of university studies and I'm concerned that without the distraction of this, things will get worse if I don't change things. I try to maintain interests, maintain regular exercise patterns and make an effort to try and find the positives in situations. Any advice on what to do next?

[Zeal]

Hi ZYZ,

I'm sorry to hear that loneliness has crept into your life. Breakups can be such an emotional challenge. I must say, I don't think I would be capable of concealing a relationship, as I am a little too transparent. As you are no longer together and don't work there now, you could open up to your family (or some family members) about this past relationship. This could really help you get some of the emotions off your chest.

As for your long-term friendship group situation, I can relate to your position. I have seen this firsthand, where someone makes all the effort and always asks about others, and doesn't get much in return. It sucks, and often happens to the most kind and easy going people, as others may just assume you will keep taking the initiative. I honestly don't know what you should do in this situation. I just thought I'd let you know that someone close to me has been in your position with their group of friends. It's hard when friends drift apart, but can be a natural progression when people's lives start changing.

I'm sorry to hear about your allergic reactions and your Mum's illness. Being made redundant is tough, especially as you lost your job through no fault of your own and had no control over it. Hopefully you can move to a new job later this year if this current one is making you truly miserable. It's my final year of university study too!

My main advice to you is to see a GP about your anxiety. Most Australian universities have a health service where qualified GP's can be accessed at a reduced cost. If you already have a great GP, make an appointment with them. University counselling services are great too, as they are on-campus, have staff who understand and relate to the struggles of uni students, and are professional and confidential. This service is free at my university, and I imagine it would be either free or very inexpensive at whichever uni you attend.

Try to open up to your family as much as possible, as this could honestly be your best source of support. Even if it's just one family member who you feel closest to. It could be a parent, sibling, Aunty or even a cousin. It's great that you have your own interests and make time for exercise. Also ensure you are getting enough sleep - I know I am better at dealing with my anxiety and with life's challenges when I do.

Best wishes,

SM