Anxiety is ruining my relationship

[Caity_P]

Hi everyone.

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year now. There are many great things about our relationship and I love him very much. However, he recently was so overwhelmed by my anxiety (to the point he was saying maybe we should break up). He is always supportive, but he never tells me how much my anxious episodes impact him. A lot of my anxiety is related to 'going out', especially to clubs or environments that I perceive as a bit out of control. I often get so anxious that I want to come home, and drag him with me. I know it is wrong, but it is something that I have had a SUPER hard time controlling. He often tells me that he feels like we can't just have a 'good night out with his friends'. This has happened a ridiculous amount of times. The few times he has gone out to a club by himself, I have called him consistently and have had major panic attacks. I think the reason I feel so anxious about clubs is because people acting out of control, drinking, being overly emotional, acting stupid under the influence of alcohol etc... I don't feel like it's my boyfriend I don't trust, I feel like it's the environment. I am usually much better if he wants to catch up with his friends at a mate's house or a less rowdy place.

I know that if I do not learn to control my anxious reactions to these situations, it is likely that my relationship will end, which neither of us wants. We have taken steps like visiting my psychologist together and reading online articles.

I suppose I would like to know whether anybody else has experienced similar things in their relationship, and if so, how did they control them? I am feeling at a loss!

[geoff]

hello Caity, I'm sorry that all of this overpowers you, but social anxiety is more common than you may think, and whether or not you trust your b/friend may or may not be the problem but insecurity that someone else might come along and try to pick him up could be one problem that worries you.
Once people are affected by alcohol their personality does change from the influence of it, so events may happen when they wouldn't when they are sober, so this is a great concern for you and probably one that your b/friend will always dismiss.
However there is another concern that you and your b/friend may argue about going out or that he has said 'maybe we should break up' is playing out the back of your mind, so you think that it would be easy for him to hook up with another person if he wanted to, but if you believe that he does love you then that's the strength in the r/ship you want.
If you make an appointment with your doctor then they maybe able to prescribe medication to lessen your anxiety, plus they could suggest you see a psychologist who will probably use CBT to help you overcome your anxiety. Geoff.

[Sandradee]

Hi Caity!

I haven't been in an exact similar situation like yours, but I have been through something slightly similar with my boyfriend. We were going to a concert one time, it was my very first concert and he was beyond excited to be there. I, the whole time was very anxious (I don't know why) but I didn't tell him as I didn't want to spoil his excitement. I felt like I was either going to throw up, stop breathing, pass out, haha. Despite this though, the one thing that made me hold in there and just get through it was the trust that I had in him. I knew if worse came to worst, and one of those things happened to me - he would be there to take care of me. In an extreme circumstance, I was sure and trusted that despite being in such a rowdy environment he'd still find a way to somehow go through all these people and give me medical care if need be.

So I guess - my thought process (or self talk) and my trust in him helped me through it. But that's just for me. I don't particularly suffer from social anxiety, but I do have anxiety in certain situations. Although it may not get rid of any physical symptoms of anxiety immediately, it does help to tell myself, it's all in your head. Because end of the day - that's what anxiety is. It's all in your head. Your mind is so powerful, but you always have to try and be one step ahead of yourself and say...

Well. I've been in this situation before. Nothing bad has happened. And - yes I acknowledge that something COULD go wrong, but if it does - I have my boyfriend here with me. Someone who I trust - who can take care of me.

And to be honest with you - that's great that he's being very supportive of you and is trying to cater to your needs. Considering you're saying that he doesn't really talk about how it affects him, I think it'd be great if you try and open that dialogue with him. I think it would help you guys to bond and grow closer so you can begin to understand how this both effects you and him.

These are my personal thoughts and experiences - I hope they can aid you in some way.

Thanks!

[Caity_P]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your kind reply. I am currently on and SSRI and my Psychologist has considered speaking with my Dr about possibly increasing the dosage. Thank you for offering insight into this issue. I do think that I worry about whether he will meet someone else, but the main issue I have identified is that I get very anxious over whether he will "have more fun without me" or enjoy the company of his friends more than mine (therefore, might break up with me). I was previously in quite an abusive relationship where my ex-boyfriend emotionally manipulated and lied to me A LOT. I think this all plays into my social anxiety now. It is hard! Thank you for your support.

[Caity_P]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Since posting this thread, I have spoken to him about how it affects him and it has been helpful.