Anxiety/Depression - Derealisation?

[wishywasher123]

Hi everyone,

As a young child to now (age 18) I have always had moderate anxiety. Mum has Bipolar, and Dad has Anxiety/Depression and a drug addiction. They divorced about 9 years ago, and since then Mum has been mentally unstable, so I've been living independently since I was 14.  

I am usually a strong-willed person, I could generally manage my anxiety and life very well. For the past two years I held two part time jobs while studying full time. I used to be so happy-go-lucky and full of energy and excitement! Now I feeling empty and am barely happy.

I am in my last term of Year 12, and just over a month ago, I had a severe panic attack (caused by stress of work & school) Ever since then, I have been finding it so difficult to do literally any thing. I haven't gone to school in a month, I quit my job and basically all I do every day is lie in bed and watch movies. I have no motivation whatsoever.

I often feel spaced out, dizzy, and disconnected from everything/everyone. Almost to a point where I feel "unreal" - sometimes, I have no control over my thoughts. I have trouble sleeping, concentrating, and find no pleasure in anything anymore. Each time I am forced to go anywhere (i.e grocery store) I will often have symptoms of a panic attack - light headed, shortness of breath etc. I have seen my GP twice, and recently she put me on an anti-depressant

The strangest part is, I am so aware of my change in mood/behaviour. Sometimes I think I'm going insane. I'm losing touch of my old self.

I am on a waiting list to see a psychologist, but each day seems to be longer and harder. I live with my boyfriend, and it is really taking a toll on him. He can't cope with the sudden change, and feels uncomfortable talking to me about it.  

Has anyone felt this before? Feeling detached, isolated, alone? I can't even hold a proper conversation. I am trying my hardest to go back to the 'normal' me. I even borrowed some anxiety self-help books from the library. 

Can anyone help me with some advice? Or share their story in dealing with something similar? 

Sorry for such a long post! I just needed to let it all out. Thanks.

[Francesco]

Hi,

That definitely sounds as though you have a lot going on right now, firstly, well done on coming here to seek help.

I am not too sure if I have ever experienced the same thing as you as all our experiences are subjective however at the moment, these last few weeks in fact, i have been feeling quite isolated and alone. I tend to feel empty and blank at times. I understand what you mean in that you are aware of your change in behaviour. Does it feel as though you want to work towards the old you but something just stops you?

You are taking very good steps by seeing a psychologist and GP as well as borrowing those books. Being self-aware can do amazing for a person's well being.

In year 12 I was very stressed out, I burned myself out and was constantly exhausted and tired. It is very understandable to feel what you are feeling considering the amount of work you have been putting in your schooling and job. Please dont see your feelings or thoughts as any kind of abnormality. I know you want the 'normal' me but dont discount the 'You' of today, this is all a part of the bigger story.I believe in you getting through this.

Thank you for sharing this, feel free to continue to talk and discuss. 

[geoff]

dear WW, hi and welcome to the forum but with a sad comment .

There must have been so much from the past that you wish would have never happened, so you were raised up by your parents both who have their own severe problems, especially when drugs are involved, and I'm sure that there were many times when you hid inside your room or wanted to leave due to these circumstances.

By having two part time jobs and then trying to study is an enormous amount of pressure that you had to endue, but all of this has ended bar from finishing your school, and year 12 is a horrible year where all we have to do is ram so much information into our brain, then try to remember what all of it is and then eventually try and recall it at the end of the year, and once the exams are over it's all forgotten, because when you get a job then we have to abide by how the company rules, which could in fact be totally different to what we had rammed into our mind, which is what happened with me.

I'm not sure whether your parents are causing you some conflict or whether you are worried about them, but never the less you have a boyfriend who is not supportive and doesn't either know on how to help you or doesn't want to, so now you are left alone once more, so all of this will then add on much more than how you were previously feeling.

I'm not a psychologist so I can't diagnosis you, but you don't have to be qualified to know that you aren't well, so now there is no motivation, nor desire or no interest and totally disappointed that there is no one who is interested or who cares about not only trying to help you, but also can give you any support for the want of getting you back to what you believe is normal.

When we feel this way we want to be better straight away, but you have to realise that it takes small steps to even start to feel better, I know that this will be upsetting for you, but you seem to be an intelligent young lady, so can I suggest that you read other posts on this site, although they may not immediately help you, but you will learn from them and then eventually help you.

It's not easy we all know this, but I hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff. x

[kelalou]

Hi wishywasher123, thanks for posting on the BB forums and sharing what you're going through at the moment.

Year 12 can be really awful sometimes! It is a very busy year filled with assessments and pressure from teachers/friends/family, and on top of all that you are also trying to manage your anxiety and your family situation. Its really important as you've been feeling so low/unmotivated to reach out to those who can support you. Do you have some close friends you can chat to as well as your boyfriend? I am sure he really wants to support you but it can also be hard for people who haven't experienced anxiety or depression first hand to know what to do or say. Its great you've taken the initiative to see a psychologist, and it may even help for him to come along too to talk more openly about what you're going through. Perhaps in the mean time, is there a counsellor at your school you can talk to? Or another GP/psychologist nearby? You may be able to see someone sooner, hopefully!

When I was at school I also went through a time of feeling really low, unmotivated, flat and alone. Luckily, with the help of my close friends I got through it. They were really supportive. I also found that some of my hobbies helped me to cope with what I was going through. Sometimes having little things that make you happy to look forward to makes a big difference.

I hope you can find some of the things you love that help lift you up, and that your friends and boyfriend can support you. Keep being open and talking about things, and no doubt a psychologist will also have some great ways to help you further.

Hang in there, and let us know how you're going! I hope this helps to know you're not alone 🙂

[shad0wings]

Hi there!

Anti-depressants when just begun will impact you noticeably. You will have spurts of derealisation and mood swings. You will also feel less emotional and care less towards particular things you really cared about before you started them. It is how the medication works - stick with them because I have been on them for a couple of years now and have really improved. The medication works to fix chemical imbalances in your brain (which is what depression is), and in doing so things get moved around and the brain does its best to adjust. I have no doubt that is what you are feeling. 

Slowly, but surely you will get your motivation back. Don't try to do too much, but try to do a little something everyday. Even sitting outside or going for a walk up and down the street will make you feel better.

It's the little things.

And yes, it will be hard for your boyfriend as well, but you both need to be on this journey together, trust me, you will both come out stronger than ever before! 

~ taylor