anxiety and depression- wish I was different

[Lisa_C]

Why can't I just enjoy life? I'm not interested in doing anything, have no hobbies and no friends. Everything seems like such an effort and I feel so disconnected from the world. I really don't think I belong. 

I don't know who I am, im lost and empty. I hate myself, inside and out. I feel like I have been like this my whole life and everything is just a blur. I can't remember when the  last time I was truly happy or if I ever was?

I suffer from social anxiety and depression. But I'm so use to it that its just completey normal to me and its just who I am and nothing can change me. I forget that I even have these disorders.

I never liked school because I wasn't good at anything, I struggled so badly with school work and making friends. I was always playing up and getting into trouble because I couldn't understand the school work even with extra help. Teachers always just told me I'm not trying hard enough but I litterly struggled to understand. I quit school in year 9 just after a month or so. I could not cope with the anxiety and the struggle. Anxiety or depression was never even brought up in high school I was just a 'misbehaved child' who didn't do good enough. 

I don't know what casued my anxiety and depression. I haven't had it tough like some people have. I had and still have a loving mum who would always put me first but I didn't have my Dad to grow up with, he lives far away and I barely ever saw him or spoke to him because he never answered his phone and its still the same but I don't bother calling him anymore. 

I'm 20 years old, living with my partner and our 14 month old son. My son is the only thing that makes me happy and keeps me going but I want to be able to be a better mother to him and enjoy more time with him out of the house. I need to see some light for my future, I feel like im going to be like this forever and it's scary. I feel like I have this big hole in my heart and its painful, its there everyday, I can't feel it has much when I'm keeping busy but its still there with me and it just keeps coming back. 

It has been a few years since I saw a psychologist but I speak to a telephone counselor now and on antidepressants and will be going back to see a counsler but no matter how better things get I always end up back to square one.

Maybe this is just who I am and I'm suppose to end up nowhere in life? But I really don't want to live like this, its too hard and it hurts too much. 

[DirtyDazz]

Wow, what a heart felt post. I truly thought I was reading my own story up to the point of being 20 years old. I'm now *cough*43*cough*.

I have lived the majority of my life feeling what you have just described, like I don't belong, you just don't seem to fit into any social groups. I also want to tell you that I totally wasted the last 20 years of my life hiding from the world because I was "different". I was only diagnosed with anxiety and depression a couple of years ago. before I labeled myself a "misfit".

I have done a fair bit of research over the last couple of years, just to understand what's going on in my own head. It's all quite interesting the way the mind works, they way it can program itself. We bottle things up inside and let them fester, if we allow that to go on for long enough, it becomes the "norm". We start to feel separated from society because we're different. But we're not!. What else I discovered in my research is depression is not that uncommon at all, it's just the fact that it's been a "taboo" subject for so long. We just need to open up more and have trust in ourselves.

You come across as an intelligent person with great depth. I think you're on the right path in opening up. Ask lots of questions, lots and lots.. lol. And maybe see if you can get in contact with your psychologist again, it's good to unload some of that stress onto someone you know won't judge you. Just getting things out in the open helped me so much.

[Lisa_C]

Oh wow thank you so much for replying to my post. I have been wanting to talk to someone for ages who can understand me but I have never been able to find anything decent online to join up with until I found this.

How are you coping with life these days?  What helps you? 

I'm just so scared of where my life's heading,  I literally see no future but just myself, standing there, alone. Like now I guess. The negative thoughts are taking over and I feel like I'm making myself go crazy lol. I will be seeing a psychologist again soon but it feels like what's the point, even if things do get better I kind of know I'm going to end up back here and I don't want to keep disappointing myself.

[DirtyDazz]

Heya Lisa. to be totally honest, I still have low days, it may possibly be that way for my entire life. But in saying that, I also know that it will pass and tomorrow I'll possibly wake up happier. The world needs people such as us, people that feel emotions and depth. But we just need to learn to focus it and learn to like who we are again. I bet you often connect with people on a deeper level than 'normal" people do.

I've found talking about things has helped me a lot, just stepping out of my "bubble" and opening up on some of the smaller issues bothering me knocked fair bit of that chip off my shoulder. I found I was judging myself less because my issues were more common than I could imagine. We're not such "misfits" after all. Most important though, don't be scared to show the world who you are. Be true to yourself and your feelings and accept that you're liked for who you are!.

I don't have any fast and magical answer to being happy, that's an individual thing I guess.. I believe we are all different for a reason, we learn as we go a long in life and start appreciating the smaller things. We' live in such a fast paced society now, it's really hard to keep up and can seem like a scary place to even the strongest of minds. We are all but mere humans after all. 🙂

[ann_s]

Hi Lisa,

I can certainly relate and the more I read on this forum the more it helps to see you are not the only one who feels like this. My story is very similar except I'm 35 and married but no children. I am so pleased to hear your son makes you happy. In my opinion, it is a a very good sign that you are able to find a source of happiness.

I do think it would be a good idea to speak with your psychologist again, maybe he/she will recommend you see them for an occasional check up now and then even when you feel better? I have only just decided to do something about my problems so haven't even see a psychologist yet, however I believe they are supposed to teach you ways to reduce the chances of relapsing, or at least help get through it. Perhaps mention this specific concern to your psychologist, whether relapses should be expected and if so, what you can do about it to help you cope.

By the way, even if you do feel bad again, feeling better for some of the time will still be better than feeling bad all of the time yeah? So I think it's worth talking to your psychologist. If the psychologist doesn't help- maybe you need a new one! Something that has helped me was talking to a close friend of mine who has suffered from mental illness throughout her life. If you don't know someone like that, make sure to keep posting on here 🙂

[Lisa_C]

Thanks dazz, it is good to know that I'm not alone and that there are people out there who do understand.

Its just not the same with counselors because they cant really go into detail with their own personal life so I kinda think- do they even really understand me or is it just because they are professionals and know what to say lol, if ya get me. 

Im so frustrated and angry right now. I had been talking to the counsellors over the phone for half the morning because I told them how I can't get to sleep at all  and that im having suicidal thoughts and stuff so of course they had to let the mental health team know, which was fine but when they rang me, the lady was absolutely rude, I hang up on her and when they rang back I basically told them to go away. Cos they are really going to make me feel better by speaking to me like I'm dumb. Not to mention she woke me up from a nap after just 2 hours sleep last night. 

Now I feel as though I can't trust any of those people or that they have no clue lol.

I think I will just sort stuff out on my own. Better that way.

[Lisa_C]

Thanks ann for your post.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up. Ive had enough of it all.

Ive just thrown out my antidepressants because there not helping at all, making me worse if anything.

I can't be bothered anymore. Its so draining and frustrating. 

[ann_s]

Hi Lisa - I need to begin this by saying I'm not a medical professional, however it would be a good idea to talk to someone for medication advice. I would recommend seeing your GP tomorrow and ask them what you should do medication wise. Other options - did your psychologist give you his/her mobile number? Or perhaps Beyond Blue Support Line 1300 22 4636. Know that you WILL feel better and that feeling like this is NOT permanent. Spend some time with your beautiful son in the mean time until you can talk to someone. Everyone on this forum is here to help, keep us posted *hugs*

[Lisa_C]

Hi ann, I am going to my GP tomorrow,  have to get her to do a mental health plan before I see a psychologist. 

Will also discuss my medication. I'm much worse at the moment because I have not been able to sleep properly, some nights im only getting 2-3 hours sleep plus my son still wakes up 4 or more times a night. Losing the plot for sure haha. 

[ann_s]

Sounds like a good plan Lisa - glad to hear you are seeing someone soon. No wonder sleep deprivation is a form of torture, hey 😉 Are you able to sneak in any naps during the day? I think you are doing incredibly well all things considered, I suffer a lot just from losing one hour sleep!