Advice on relationship-y stuff and self-image

[Danioboy]

Hi folks!

Hope you're all doing ok.

So, I'll try to keep this relatively short (though in doing so I will leave out a bunch of the story).

About a year ago, I got friendly with this girl and developed feelings for her. I was going to ask her out, but wanted to know what my friends thought of her before I asked. Basically, no more than a week after I introduced her to my best friend he asked her out (I hadn't told him I was going to, etc.). This hurt a bunch but I kept it to myself for a long time, and I progressively got worse emotionally. Eventually I told them, which didn't really help me at all - in fact this made it worse. They were nice about it, and supportive, etc. (they were my two best friends at this stage).

Eventually, they stopped dating and she started dating another guy (who is now also one of my good friends).

I now don't know if I like her or not, I'm really confused - I guess I'll figure it out eventually - but I'm not over it by any means (though a lot better than I was).

I don't want to blame this completely, but I think it heavily influenced my poor/relatively unhealthy self-image. She is the only girl I have been this close to so I guess a part of me perceives her as a 'representation' of the female sex (which I know is not logical and is wrong in a number of ways). But anyways, I've never seen myself as anything close to society's standards of good looking, my friends are objectively much more attractive than I by these standards. This wasn't a problem before but is now.

Basically, it feels like I'm just feeling sorry for myself for not getting the girl, and I'm kinda convinced that I have no chance in the 'relationships' area due to the self-image issues (with the above story as 'evidence' of how incompetent I am in this regard).

Its a lot more complex then this, but anyway... any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated, or if you want me to clarify anything or give more details I am happy to do so.

I'll also say, recently I haven't been feeling too down, but thought it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Thanks 🙂

[Jasjit]

No problem at all Danioboy!!

I am always here for you if you need to talk about anything.

Talk to you soon!!!

[Danioboy]

Hey!

I'm actually finding it hard to do these things, and not in the way I expected; I'm having trouble actively doing these things because they are subtle things, I guess..

I think I will move on and just be mindful about my actions surrounding these behaviours and move on.

Activity 9: Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself. [I actually think I do at least one of these things everyday already, so I'm going to try to do at least 3 of them a day]

I made the list my background on my phone, here is the list (its a bit short)

● Exercise, work out, go for a walk.

● Eat healthy food

● Drink 10 cups of water each day (apparently from a quich google search the recommended amount is 15.5 cups of fluid which is insane!! I didn't realise that haha).

● Get enough sleep.

I got rid of a lot of the things on the list because I didn't think they really applied to me. It also says to add stuff to the list, I could only think of the water thing. Is there anything you can think to add?

Thanks 🙂

Also, how are you?

[Aphador]

Hey Dan,

Thanks for asking! I'm finding myself quite busy these days. I've been busy in the past but during the past uni holidays, I kind of reorganised my priorities so that I would be busy doing things I enjoy doing! So I'm enjoying life right now!

This activity seems pretty easy for you based on our previous conversations; you seem pretty healthy/active already. Perhaps this step is more targetted toward people who might mindlessly 'self-sabotage' themselves by 'fueling' themselves incorrectly, to put it quite bluntly.

How have you been this past week

[Danioboy]

The past week has been a bit of a roller-coaster, if I'm honest; it has had its ups and downs, even within each day, which is not abnormal, I guess.

I have a wrist injury that affects my rock climbing (which is my sport), it has been especially bad this week. I generally use rock climbing as a kind of factory reset of my brain/emotions somewhat, so when I can't perform as well its not great. I found a way around it today though, which is good.

Somewhere in my mind still lurks the feeling of loneliness, but I don't think that would necessarily be resolved through dating, etc. I reckon I need to become more comfortable within myself before I think of that too much. I went climbing with a friend and his gf, and they lightly mused/joked about the fact that I should find a gf as if it was as easy as clicking my fingers and summoning one, at the time it kinda hit me in the feelz, so to speak, but now I think its sort of amusing.

Also been procrastinating a little bit ahah

Other than that I've been pretty good.

Breaking Free Activity #10
Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

(I don't think this one is necessary as I don't view myself as some sort of villain, or anything)

Breaking Free Activity #11
Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises. When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.

(Don't really think this is a great thing to do at the moment considering the state of the world)

Breaking Free Activity #12
Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs? Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

Yes, yes, and yes

I kinda skipped through that quickly so if you think there is anything that I should do or expand on definitely tell me.

Thanks Aphador 🙂

[Aphador]

Oh, I like Rock Climbing too! I go bouldering more often, however. It's good that your friend's comments are amusing now- but I understand the feeling you are talking about. I guess at some point your goal in these situations (because they are sure to arise again), would be to have such a large amount of confidence in yourself that you would be able to laugh it off at the time- it doesn't bother you that you don't have a girlfriend, because you are just living your life.

You might be correct that this feeling won't be resolved through dating- for a time perhaps a girlfriend will give you that faux-confidence you are looking for, but it is not the same as real confidence in yourself. It's the common misconception that a lot of guys have- that when they get a girlfriend everything will get better. Often we need to work on ourselves before we can have a successful relationship. This is not always the case; however- the right significant other will allow us to heal and develop during a relationship also.

I would highly recommend doing positive affirmations! It's not so much about seeing yourself as a villain as it is seeing yourself as a hero. I would recommend keeping a journal and writing positive affirmations when you wake up (instead of going on your phone). Positive affirmations are core to developing confidence in yourself and living a happier life- it is well documented in psychology. Read about it more here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-affirmation. They are not just for people who see themselves as villains; they are for everyone!

Activity 11- yes, it seems kind of hard to do this one right now. Perhaps set aside one day where you give yourself no commitments, and go to the beach for the day by yourself. Sit on the beach, go for a swim, go to a restaurant by yourself. This encompasses another activity further into the book also.

Activity 12- Excellent if you can answer yes to all three! This seems like a hard question to answer and requires a great deal of introspection. Do your actions show that you believe it is okay for you to have needs? Ie. How often do you sacrifice your 'needs' for others?

[Danioboy]

Hey Aphador,

I am going to try to start the self affirmations tomorrow morning.

I am going to revise/expand on my answers to the three questions in Activity 12

Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs?

Yes, when I think about what the word 'need' means. However I think sometimes I automatically associate 'needs' with 'problems' and when that happens I am more concerned about burying the problems than addressing my needs. It is obvious to me (when I think about it) that this is the opposite of what I should be doing in these situations, but in the moment I do it without thinking about it, I guess.

Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs?

Yes, I think some people do. Though I don't want them to because I feel like I should be able to do that myself most of the time.

Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

Sometimes I think 'yes', sometimes I think 'no but it has the potential to be'. But it also depends in what sense.

There have been a couple of times where I have very nearly been more open about how I feel when I've been talking to my friends, but it is still hard to take the plunge. I think myself out of it/become scared of doing so and avoid it. I think that it is still progress though, but it will only be helpful when I actually act.

Bouldering is probably what I prefer too, I like the fact that the moves are harder and there is less of a focus on stamina. Out of curiosity, how long have you been climbing? I've been climbing for about two years now I think.

Thanks,

Dan

[Aphador]

Hey Dan,

How have you been recently? Have you noticed a difference with the affirmations?

[Danioboy]

Hey Aphador

If I am honest, the affirmations didn't really work. I did try them for a week or so, but stopped because I didn't feel any different.

I spent a while thinking about this. I have theorised thus: it might have something to with the fact that my parents have always praised me even when I don't think I deserved it, and so the only time I feel what I think the affirmations were meant to make me feel, was when I actually did stuff that made me proud, I guess.

So since then I have kind of forgotten the book (probably temporarily) to do a side experiment. I have tried working hard in each aspect of my life, ie: relationships, uni, fitness. I am seeing what this does. It is kind of hard to have them all at the ideal level at once but I imagine (and/or hope) its like juggling and it'll eventually click with practice.

I've also been thinking about who I am and who I want to be as an individual. I've found this interesting but I'm by no means close to finding out fully.

I have made a list of things I want to talk about with the uni councilor. I haven't yet built the courage to set an appointment yet though.

And there is a girl I like, and I am really torn as to how I should progress with that.

How have you been?

[Danioboy]

Update: I have booked the appointment with the uni counselors. It was a lot harder to build the will-power, and courage I guess, to actually book it which was kind of interesting.

[smallwolf]

Hi, I hope you dont mind me popping in and saying hello. How do you feel now that you have made appointment? I am also confident that talking with the counsellor you will find the means the work through the things you want to talk about.

What can you tell me about this girl you like?

(Past experiences and thoughts about ourselves can have an effect on whether and how you ask them out)

I guess the last thought to leave you with is how would you feel if you did not ask her out? You do not have to answer this question here but was one I asked myself many many years ago.

Tim