Dear Letitia~
I'm glad you posted and join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. It has been a week since then and it must have been discouraging to find nobody had talked with you.
Unfortunately the system here does not always work as we would like. Please rest assured it is nothing to do with you, or the subject of your post. In your place I might have thought it was.
Life has not been kind to you, in fact it has been simply cruel. Being bullied at school can be ignored by those responsible for your welfare, teachers and councilors, but that does not mean it is harmless, quite the reverse it is toxic and leaves you feeling alone, powerless, frustrated and of little self worth. You wish you could stand up for your yourself more, but it is an impossible ask.
As a result these feelings can carry on into later life. I'm sure the schooldays events are still in your mind at 40.
In the meantime you have been in a series of abusive relationships, each one making it harder and harder to be your true self.
Those are the bad things, however I can see good qualities you might not have thought of.
First you are reaching out, and this place is a pretty good one to do so, even if we are too slow at times.
You go to work, true your previous history may leave you open to abuse there , but you keep on trying and when you are more resilient, more able to cope, you may find one that fits.
You started to work out, this shows a degree of independence and resistance to those unfeeling idiots, they are good qualities you can quietly foster in yourself.
It is not easy to change your lifestyle or break of a relationship, no matter how bad. There are umpteen practical difficulties (like being broke) in the way -plus most often a feeling you are not up to it. So I'm not going to be unrealistic and suggest you change everything.
You may well find that ringing 1800RSPECT as Sophie suggests might help, though sometimes it takes a bit of digging, the operators need to know what you can and can't do, and what resources are in your area to support you.
There are normally women's groups most places. Even Centrelink my be able to help. If 1800RESPECT does not help keep on trying,our own 24/7 help line - 1300 22 4636 - might be another thing to try, as might Lifeline - 13 11 14 - (who deal in a wide range of problems)
You also have standards, that is one of the reasons you are so unhappy, as it other people causing you to fall short though no fault of your own.
Please talk here some more
Croix
