Who to turn to

Feelfree · ‎26-10-2016

Hi All

sorry this is my first post and not sure if this is even the right place. I just needed somewhere to write down what I was feeling or should be feeling so I apologise if this is more a ramble. I've been married 26years and have 3 great children. I have no friends as I thought my husband was the only friend that I would ever need but in the last two years he has been sick and he changed and everything I do is wrong and I'm so alone . My children are adults and moved on with their lives as they should do and I have no one. My marriage is a mess and was told by my husband that there is no chance that he would ever care about me . I don't want to die but i want the pain I feel to end.

I used to be physically abused by my husband and he stopped that thankfully years ago but somehow being told by him that I'm worthless and he doesn't care about me and that everything I say is just verbal diarrhoea somehow hurts way more than being hit ever did. I just don't want to spend all my time thinking that he's right and I'm useless. Then again maybe he is just right about that and I'm not supposed to have anyone

thank you for letting me write this

blondguy · ‎27-10-2016

Hello Feelfree

Welcome to the forums and having the strength to post too

You are in a dark place which is sad considering the achievements you have in your life, bringing up 3 great kids and being there for your husband as well.

My dad used to try very hard to remind me that I was an idiot, stupid waste of space.....and then the bashings when I was little. Your husband has been behaving in a similar way. I do feel your pain and the long term ramifications of the verbal (and physical abuse) Anxiety and depression for over 30 years is awful.

May I ask you if you have seen a counsellor for a good yarn? They can work wonders...

There are many very kind people on the forums that can be here for you Feelfree. I joined Beyond Blue in January this year after my mind became that exhausted I couldnt think. I am super grateful to the kind folk here that have been here for me along the way.

I would love to thankyou for writing to us, if we didnt get new posts from courageous people like yourself the forums would cease to exist. When you are up to it, I hope you can post back 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

Starwolf · ‎27-10-2016

Hi Feelfree,

A warm welcome to you, you have come to the right place. No need to apologize for rambling...we all do ! The purpose of the BB forums is to give a voice to silent suffering.

It sounds like your husband's behaviour has been a chronic concern to you over the years. Feeling unwell has caused his demons to resurface. However, illness doesn't justify abuse. Having walked out of a couple of abusive relationships myself (both emotional and physical), I understand the damage done to your self-worth and confidence. It pulls the carpet from under the feet, doesn't it ?

Emotional abuse may not leave physical scars but it's toxic effects are insidious and just as damaging. If you feel this relationship is undermining your emotional health, no need to struggle alone. Making an appointment with a GP would be a good start.

I'd suggest you consider counseling but of course it would be preferable if both of you attend the sessions. Researching narcissistic relationships may help you understand what you are up against. You may also copy this link into your browser : https://au.reachout.com/what-to-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship-

If your husband refuses to join you in an effort to improve the relationship, you may have to consider whether you wish to settle for more of the same...or move on to escape the abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Meanwhile, the relationships section of the forums is a good place to connect with others and/or just let steam off.

Here for you.

BballJ · ‎27-10-2016

Hi Feelfree,

Firstly, welcome to the forums, Great advice above from Paul & Stawolf.

I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are most certainly in the right place just to talk and get your mind away from things. I am sorry for what you are going for and what you have endured. I can't imagine how hard it is. I hope you are or will speak to someone regarding all of this. Every one on here is suffering or has suffered in the past from something so it's a great community and one I am sure you will find to enjoy. I recommend posting in the relationships section as Stawolf said also.

Always here if you want to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

White_Rose · ‎28-10-2016

Dear Feel free

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's a great place to talk about your problems and get ideas and tips from those who have walked this road before you. I lived with my husband for 30 years before I found the strength to leave. He was occasionally physically violent but it was the emotional and psychological abuse that made me feel I was useless and worthless. Not that there is any excuse for any sort of violence towards anyone.

I tried marriage counselling, but he did not have a problem he said, so I went on my own. Not very effective. I finally found the courage to leave. Despite problems in my life I am convinced it was the best thing to do. I did fall into the pit of depression a year later and it was dreadful. Even so I am convinced I would not not have stayed alive much longer living with him. It seems, in retrospect, that I always had a low level of depression living with him. I did not recognise and neither did anyone else, so I thought it was just the way the world was and I struggled to hide my feelings.

Once I changed jobs and worked with people who believed in me, it was much easier to leave. I don't know your financial circumstances or whether you feel you want to leave. These are your decisions. I do suggest you visit these web pages. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence There is a great deal of help available. Copy this link on to your browser and go from there.

Also look up Women's Legal Service in your state. They will provide one or two free sessions with a lawyer to help you manage to leave. Have a look at this website http://au.reachout.com/what-is-domestic-violence It can provide you with other help agencies. If you live in Qld this is a good place to look. http://www.dvconnect.org/womensline/help-for-you-2/ Other states have similar organisations. Put in Domestic Violence + your state and look through what comes up.

You get the picture that there are many avenues of help. If you decide to go you need to leave quickly. I spent many months preparing, sorting out necessary papers etc. Then I said I was going and left. Can you stay, at least for a short time with one of your children? You need a safe place to go.

Not sure if I have helped or hindered you. I believe so passionately that women need to remove themselves from violence as the perpetrator will never admit they are doing the wrong thing. Even if this is not helpful, write in again.

Mary