This is my first post.
Four weeks ago my wheels fell off. It had been building
over many months, maybe years if I am honest with myself.
Back in May I was declared redundant. I knew it was coming
as I had been selected to close down the company. I honestly
underestimated what the impact that role would have on me emotionally, mentally
and physically. I had pushed myself to breaking point, working towards
this looming date and then it arrived.
I had thought that I would take a break for a couple of months
and then get back out there. But that didn't happen. Slowly but
surely I descended into the deepest darkest rut I have ever visited. I
reached a point where I just could no longer function. All the tools I
had used before were no longer working. I had long used work as a way of
escape, a way to justify my existence, but I was now out of work. So I
turned to alcohol. I self-medicated alone at home on my own. A
single woman in her 40's who lived alone in an isolating community. It
wasn't until I realised I was drinking every night, just a couple of glasses,
but that quickly becomes 3 bottles a week.
I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know where to turn.
I had always had a very natural approach to my health, but I no longer
had the motivation or energy to pursue these options. I was now at the
point where showering and eating seemed like marathons.
So I took myself to see a GP. I chose a lady about my age that
was also single. Hoping she could relate to where I was at. And she
did. She sat me down and we talked. I cried, I thought I was a
failure. She spent an entire hour with me. Basically, I was diagnosed
with depression. Her recommendation was
anti-depressants as well as a referral to a psychologist. After years of
pushing myself and overriding my feelings, years of the ruts becoming deeper
and deeper, I knew I was on the ropes. This was the day I had to finally
look myself in the mirror and acknowledge I was depressed. I needed help.
I felt a sense of relief at being heard and accepting the help my GP was
offering me.
Four weeks later and I have slowly begun to stabilise on the
anti-depressants. I feel as though I have been given some much welcome
breathing space. I am also seeing my psychologist weekly. I have
joined a fitness group. I am eating regular meals. I have not touched a
drink of alcohol.
Currently I am on pause, restoring. One day at a time. Hoping that the good days will one day
outnumber the bad.
