What happening to my mind.

[Michelle1986]

For many years now Ive never know why I have no memory of my childhood from 6 up to the age of around 14 probably. I’ve always looked at the good side of people and tried to make the best out of things but I didn’t have the best upbringing with my parents divorcing at 5Yrs old ,a lot of alcohol ,drunkenness, marijuana , being pretty poor, not keeping in contact with my dad , but always had a roof over my head and didn’t starve, But my mum was preoccupied with her new husband and I was left to figure out life with little guidance from a young age.
I can’t remember anything stories my sisters talk about and nothing except what I’ve been told.
Recently my stepsister has told us out about One of her family members ( so my step family) and a close family friend had sex with her when she was 9 and they were around 14/15.
Now all the sudden I’m getting these what I’m calling “clips” of certain senarios / a house / in a car / a hallway which make me feel kind of sick or uncomfortable I’m my stomach. They seem to just loop the same clip over and over.

After a couple of weeks and a couple of conversations I’ve now worked out these “clips” involve the same family member and the family friend she has said molested her. My “clips” only take me to a certain point then stop at the same spot every time and won’t let me see what happenes next or why I am feel so uncomfortable.

Is it just my mind just trying to figure out if I was also a target or is it playing tricks on me because I know it happened to her or am I just worried it’s possible cause I dont remember and going through all the times I spent with these people to try and remember now that My step sister has said it happened to her.

My step sister is 1 yr older then me and it happened when she was 9. So I was 8 im 34 now and this would of being 20yrs ago , I’m sure I would of known something by now if anything happened to me also or had a feeling before she said anything.
im going crazy With these clips and feel embarrassed to say anything because i have no actual memories of this time or anything bad happening.

i don’t want to talk to my family until I know for sure incase it’s all in my head!

I have no idea how to stop these 4 clips and don’t want to talk to my family.

I’m sorry this is so much but I have no where Else to turn to figure this out right now and it’s driving me nuts.

Any ideas ? Thanks in advance

[Sophie_M]

Hi Michelle,

We can understand your distress and we are sorry to hear how much you are struggling with this. We know reaching out like this isn't easy, but it is so important that you have.

Our caring online forums community give and receive support based on their own experiences, some of which may resonate with yours. It's important to note that while the peer support offered here is often quick, it is not immediate.

For more immediate support we recommed reaching out to our firiends at 1800-RESPECT. They offer 24/7 phone and webchat support and specialise in counselling relating to family violence and sexual assault. Your can call them free on 1800 737 732 or webchat to them here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome

We also strongly encourage you to reach out to our friends at the Blue Knot Foundation, who offer support for those who have lived through complex trauma like childhood sexual abuse. They're available every day between 9am and 5pm AEDT by phone on 1300 657 380 or you can email them at helpline@blueknot.org.au

Of course, our support service is always available to you on 1300 22 4636.

Please don't hestitate to reach out to the forums community, to which you are a very welcome addition, whenever you feel up to it

[sunnyl20]

Hi Michelle1986,

I am so sorry to hear what you are experiencing. It sounds very distressing and uncomfortable. I am really glad that you have felt able to reach out though. Memory and the physical and emotional reactions we have to memories can be so difficult. You do not need to feel shame or embarrassment, it sounds like you have been through a lot. You do not need to tell your family if you do not feel comfortable but you do not need to go through this alone - there is support available to help you work through this. I agree with Sophie and would really encourage you to reach out to the Blue Knot Foundation if you feel open to it - their webpage is https://www.blueknot.org.au/ and they have a lot of information and support services which you may find useful.

Please do not hesitate to talk more as and when you feel up to it. I hope things start to feel a bit better soon. Take care Michelle.