What does it feel like to wake up each day?

[MaybeTina]

I think I have depression. And now I am starting to believe I may have had it for years.

What does it feel like when you wake up in the morning? I feel mad and resentful. I don’t want to go to work, but I do. I am great at my job and I feel like I put on a great show. People seem to like me. They find me relatable. But it’s all fake. I hate being there. There are some things I enjoy about my job. I feel like there is a certain amount of prestige in my work, people see me as intelligent, and I get respect from my job. I have people look up to me. Am I just a narcissist?

I am married and we have a daughter. I love my daughter, but I am not motherly. I can be impatient. I feel like buying her toys and things she wants is the best way to make her happy. I want her to have everything but I know it’s probably not the right thing.

I struggle to believe my husband loves me. He says he does but I don’t know if it’s true. If I hold his hand, he’ll be the one the let go. He will push away from me if I try to embrace him. I feel he prioritizes his job before me. He says he sees people in his work that have left their family pursuing their careers and he doesn’t understand that, yet it seems like we are.

I don’t have meaningful friendships. My friends are whoever I spend the most time physically with, not by choice, but because we are both in the same place at the same time. Work colleagues. Once my schedule changes, I’ll get new “friends”. We do get on. But it’s superficial. It’s temporary.

Why does it bother me now? It was fine like this for years.

[geoff]

Hello Tina, and a warm welcome.

What you have told us does indicate that you may have depression, I can't diagnose you, I'm not qualified, a doctor will do this for you because it is important so you can then get the treatment needed as it's meant to smooth out our days and make them to be more understandable, a reason why this happens.

This doesn't happen immediately and there may be times when it's still difficult, but it has the possibility of being able to change your life.

By providing your daughter with toys and items to make her feel happy, is a way to push away any problems so that your depression is not even more complicated, I know she would love you doing it, but there maybe questions she asks herself.

Friends come and go and acquaintances are plenty but a true friend who you can talk to is something we all need, but to have someone with you is something special.

Please can I suggest you see your doctor, you need them to support you, but is it possible to click on 'The Facts' and do the K-10 checklist, it's best to do it several times, not straight after the other, and then show your doctor the results, this will make it easier for the consulation.

Hope to hear from you when it's convenient.

Geoff.

[GoodWitch]

Hi MaybeTina,

Becoming a parent is a very stressful time in anyone's life. for the mother it is physically as well as emotionally stressful and this can have effects you don't even realise at the time. I had post-natal depression with my first daughter and I didn't realise it until years later. It effected how I bonded with her, and how I felt as a mother. I thought I was terrible at it, and that my daughter hated me. She didn't want me to cuddle her even as an infant and honestly I thought it was terrible that I didn't mind. I'm not a very touchy-feely person either.

But we have a great relationship now (she's 13). Still, it's not characterised by a lot of physical affection. She still hates cuddles, but I don't think I'm a bad mother. Actually I think I'm pretty good. You're not a bad mother if you're not overwhelmed with the need to hug your child 24/7. I think there's a lot of pressure on mothers to be a certain way but there isn't only one way. As for buying her gifts in place of whatever else you feel you aren't giving her, I think you know that isn't the answer or you wouldn't have mentioned it. There are other ways you can connect. I'm not sure your daughter's age, but I find simply talking to be the best way to show my love. Letting her talk to me, showing an interest in the things she's interested in. Impatience is inevitable in parenting, the trick is, i think, to let the child know you love them anyway. I often say things like 'I'm in a really bad mood today/I didn't have time to deal with your problem just then, but I love you.' I'm no parenting expert but I've found giving myself a break for not being perfect has freed me up to just love my children and that has in turn freed me of a lot of guilt and bad feeling.

I also relate to your sense of putting on a show for others. I've done that too. In the last couple of years that has come to an end bc I emotionally couldn't keep it up. Perhaps you are reaching that point and that's why you feel so resentful when you wake up. So tired of being everything to everybody else instead of living your own truth.

Does any of this sound like it applies? Can you come back with any more info so we can discuss further if you like? The best thing you can do for your child is to take care of her mother. Counselling might help. It did help me, so I'd encourage you to seek it. Or just post more here for now.

Best

GW

[baet123]

Hey Tina,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting and sharing your situation with us.

I can absolutely relate to how your feeling when you wake up and are carrying out your daily activities. It is extremely common and don't be to hard on yourself. We all struggle at some point and unfortunately, depression doesn't discriminate and it can effect anyone and everyone.

Geoff has made some amazing points above and I will keep my response brief mostly because he has covered everything and I have class soon and I am late 😄

If you believe that you are suffering from depression, consider receiving professional help and speaking with your GP relating to treatment/intervention options available. There are so many services out there that work wonders and maybe medication/therapy would be extremely beneficial to your overall emotional well-being and quality of life.

It is really important to remember that if your thoughts, mood and emotions are impacting your daily life and quality of life, intervention is necessary.

In regards to your work, many people experience what you are experiencing and nothing is worth sacrificing our mental health and well-being for but the bills don't pay themselves.

Hope this helps and better days are ahead.

All the best,

Nick.