Hey my name is petal,
I have had depression and anxiety for over 6 years now. And I can usually get myself out of the states I get into. Some taking longer then others, the stage I'm at has lasted 6 weeks going into the 7th.. I found myself thinking last night. Am I crazy? Am I delusional? Am I being over dramatic? Do I even have depression and anxiety? Does this illness even exist? It was like you know when you say a word over and over so many times it loses its meaning and your not even sure your saying it right at the end and your left in a state of laughter and confusion?. But I wasn't laughing I was silently crying in the dark so I didn't wake my child up...and I was very much confused.. And I know this thought stems from a toxic person I have in my life.. Someone I so badly am trying to push away because they are hurting me, but I'm to scared to make a clean cut because I'm worried about their feelings and don't want to deal with the repercussions, the tsunami of rage and emotional blackmail and abuse I know will come... I have my phone on airplane mode for god sake! Just so that one person can't get to me... To other people I've spoken to this situation is so black and white, they tell me to be ruthless! Just tell her how it is! But I can't it paralyses me so deep. And I'm angry at this person for not giving me the space that I want. I told her I was in a bad place and she kept pushing. i said it as clear as I could "I have depression and anxiety. I just need to put myself first". And she got upset. Told me to talk to someone. As if I haven't been dealing with this for most of the time I've known her! I thought in my head "well damn! Talking to someone!! Why didn't I think of that?!!" That will make all these issues go away for sure! I don't really have a question or want answers. I just needed to get that out in a safe place. In a space I know other people will be able to relate.
