Unsure of Myself and Worth - Anxious and depressed

Unsureperson98

Hello, I'm new to this. This is my first post. I'm not quite sure how this works but I need to give something a try cause I'm so tired of feeling this way!

I think I have a severe anxious attachment style. Especially to my partner. I grew up learning love is conditional and never safe. I feel like I constantly have to search and look for the danger because it might help me feel more in control, it doesn't really I just feel hurt. I'm getting really bad at the moment, overthinking everything down to absolute ridiculous scenarios that don't even exist. I get very upset at these scenarios like it's actually happened and I can feel myself reacting and trying to take out my emotions others. I feel like I'm obsessed and can't stop. I'm so miserable that I don't want to be around people or leave the person I'm anxiously attached to most. It's affecting my behavior at work also. I don't know what to do?

I feel like I'm worth nothing and I hate myself. Like I'm not truly loved or no one truly loves me. That they're only nice to me or with me until the next best thing comes along then there's no use for me. Why do I feel like this? Why am I so hateful to myself? Why don't I think I'm worth more? Why can't I believe I'm loved and that others truly love me? Why are the emotions so strong that it feels like I'm dying inside?

I feel like I can't talk about it to him (my partner). I feel like if I say it he will think I'm crazy or too much and he will leave. He's not said or shown anything to prove that he would but my stupid brain and heart make me feel it. Especially when he hangs out with other friends that are girls. I don't think he would cheat on me like my last partner did but I don't know why my brain always thinks he will find better and want to leave me. I know loves me, he says it all the time, he tries to show me the best he can ( I think he does, he's told me he's not great with expressing emotions and it makes him feel uncomfortable). My brain sees small things that he does and goes to such extreme scenarios that brutally hurt me and cause me pain. But they're not even real! It's all me doing it to myself. Just because he hangs out with a friend from work, or texts someone on his phone, or has his phone screen facing down. I automatically assume the worst. I don't know why and it kills me. I don't want him to think I don't trust him, that I think he's being unfaithful and hurtful. Why do I think like this?

Sorry that is a lot, I just needed to get it out.

Caribou

Hey there. First off, good on you for reaching out. I understand how daunting it can be taking that first step.

From the way you talk about your relationship with your partner I can tell it must be very difficult to handle these emotions when they show up, and you've been in an environment where you have been made to feel like you don't deserve the care you are owed. Our brains do this all the time, it's nothing to be ashamed about- we imagine the worst even when everything looks fine. It's clear you have been in a stressful place for some time now.

Please take care of yourself. Everyone deserves love, it should not ever be conditional. You are loved, and you are enough.

TrueSeeker

Hello

I can understand how hard it can be when our thoughts constantly interfere with our happiness. I think it's great that you're aware of it as sometimes it's the hardest step to make. Our upbringing can create very strong thinking habits and it can be hard to correct them.

From my experience, the next step is to calm our mind so it's easier to face the thoughts, align them with reality and prove them wrong. Good relaxation techniques can help a lot like walking etc. It can be hard and it does take some time but eventually it will get easier and we'll learn what works for us to correct the upsetting thoughts.

I hope that this helped a little bit, please be nice to yourself and let us know how you're coping