Unbalanced by name - unbalanced by nature?

[unblanced]

Hi all,

I don't know if this will help me or help others, but I am going to give it a shot. Hope so..

I haven't been diagnosed with a disorder, but know i am not not right mentally. i can't seem to find a balance in my life - I consider myself to be an intelligent, skilled and creative person, with a loving partner and, a home and property - that i think most people would find desirable. That said, no matter how much i achieve it never seems to be enough. I have anguished thoughts that I don't do enough, and that i am a consent disappointment to my partner, myself and my colleagues.

As you can see I can tend to have a high opinion of myself, which then metamorphoses into a spiralling state of anxiousness, resulting in thoughts that i am actually a selfish idiot and that all would be better off without me. I do have thoughts of self harm - but don't see how this would help anyone other than myself - again selfishness.

I seem to want to destroy all that I that I have built. My thoughts always seem to turn negative. Why?

There is a lot of i's in this monologue - I haven't built everything I have by myself - but the dark fog that descends on me seems to alienate me from reality, and i sometimes feel as if i am losing my mind. I am not a substance abuser - I have had episodes of mental illness in the past where this has been the case, but have worked hard over the last 10 years to recognise when enjoyment turns to wanton annihilation & self destruction.

I love my partner with all my heart, but want to push her away emotionally - I want companionship and love, but then reject it..Why?

I am generally a very active person- physically and mentally, I like to create and build, but then have these thoughts of 'whats the point / why am i doing this' and fail to see any future benefit in it, and the project then becomes a burden. Why?

I struggle to find any enjoyment in life - even though I don't actually have anything to complain about. Why?

I really want to find a way to clear and balance the thoughts in my head, but have episodes - weeks/months where i feel completely off kilter & the smallest things seem to tip me back over the edge, into a sea of self loathing and irrational thoughts, and a want for isolation and to distance myself from those i love and who i know love me. Why?

I have heard some mental illness is like a long dark tunnel - often i literally just walk or drive with no focused destination in mind. But i don't know what i am running from or too.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Unbalanced, 

First of all, we want to thank you for your brave and articulate post today. It must have taken a lot of strength and courage to write this and share with the forums. You never know who will read your story and feel less alone in their own challenges. Thank you for taking a step that can help you get support, and help others feel less alone. We hope you can feel proud of that. 

We are really sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment and while what you are experiencing is unique to you, it is not uncommon to have these thoughts. Thank you for letting us know that you are having thoughts of self harm, we think it might be time to give us a call to talk this through. 

You can call us on 1300 22 4636 any time of the day or night. Our team are experts at finding strategies in the moment to help us feel better when we are distressed and can support you in searching for other community care as well. If you prefer, our friends at LifeLine 13 11 14 are also wonderful, caring and here to help. 

Thank you for reaching out today, it is a wonderful step towards feeling better within yourself. Please remember that we are here for you if you need us and that if you want to update us on how you are going we would love to hear it. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, it would be good to talk to a professional staff member of beyyond blue as Sophie suggested.

Being successful property/relationship/career wise doesnt mean you have no voids in your life. Such a vacuum of satisfaction can be anyones guess as it depends on the individual. EG My vacuum was filled many years ago with a passion. Ever since childhood I wanted to be a pilot and model airplanes became the passion when my dreams in the RAAF didnt solidify. Then building eg cubby houses for extra money then two houses I built myself.

Passions fill in those empty moments especially in a spare room close at hand.

I also found a spiritual connection, not religion.

Finally, guidence to fulfillment with a guru called Maharaji. Even if you are not into stuff like this here is a few links

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfuMFsBgNk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X30sWycWz4o

I dont know if something above will hit the mark on your own vacuum in your life but its well worth talking more. I'm here almost daily and other members too. Repost anytime

TonyWK