To post or not to post. We'll see.

[Forrest]

Is this a thing? I don't know if this is a thing.

What to write...

How to pin down which part of my story is relevant to this intro and decide whether it's something I want to send into the void for strangers to see.

I guess my right-this-very-moment struggle is over whether being a poster here is right for me. I spent a few years rather isolated and gradually built an online "home" for myself at another site (not related to depression or MI) and for the longest time it was my default go-to place for everything. Eventually I found that whilst it got me through some tough times and was providing me with a rehearsal type practice at human interaction and experience in understanding general relationship shenanigans, in some ways it was also feeding and enabling my isolation by keeping me from needing to leave the house or try to connect to face-to-face people.

Since then I have made an epic effort to go in the other direction and make online relationships secondary to face-to-face ones. But I have to admit I'm reaching a point now where I am feeling very burnt out and am finding it difficult to see people as much, if at all. And finding the site I used to use less and less appropriate for me as I have had a massive turn around in core beliefs since then and no longer agree with the basic principles on which that particular category of people operates.

Back when I was notoriously online and knew that it was beyond the point of doing me any good, I used to admit it freely, but still couldn't break the habit at first. I used to say that it's like medicine. If you're sick, you might need some medicine. But if you're sick for a long time and taking medicine consistently over a long period becomes habitual, you could get addicted to your medicine and keep taking it even if it's no longer doing good. And, it can be tricky to know when you are no longer sick because the medicine has been with you for such a long time.

Disclaimer: NO; I'm not talking about mental health prescription medications or suggesting anyone should go off their meds. By "sick" I don't mean MI and by "medicine" I don't mean MI drugs. It's an analogy. For argument's sake let's suppose I'm talking about a cough. Like if you had a cough for a long time but kept taking cough syrup even after the cough cleared up. Which I'm using as an analogy about coping mechanisms which are useful at first but become habitual without reassessment as things change.

I'm out of characters. I'll be around. Maybe.

[Forrest]

Feeling sorry for myself today, and a bit too sad and low focus properly enough to manage finding the right thread title, the right space for it, and to work out how to face the fact that I started engaging on a few other threads some weeks ago then disappeared for a bit (even though I did tell ppl that might happen, I still never enjoy the fact that it does.) Not sure how much sense it makes to default to this ancient thread I doubt anyone remembers, but something about my sulky state today made it feel like a familiar home base to curl up at and wine my muffled complaints into a proverbial pillow.

I sensed a depressed patch might be coming after a streak of productivity and overachieving that couldn't go on forever, and boy is it hitting me today.

I find myself in an all too common paradox of not wanting to see anyone while feeling terribly lonely, and maybe just a bit unquenchably bored / unsatisfied.

I don't know there's really much anyone can say that could be helpful, (though it would be nice to get a loving reply) but I guess right now this is my alternative to destructive behaviours that could come out of my state, like the old drunk-dialling your ex. (I mean, I'm not really really a drinker and there's no exes I stayed friends with, but the destructive search for comfort is the same concept.)

I guess I don't really have anything else to say... I'm just stalling because when I hit post I won't be typing anymore and then I'll just be alone in my room again...

[ecomama]

Hey Forrest! I haven't "met" you before, so I'll introduce myself lol, I'm ecomama although this username was shortened to EM by Croix if I remember correctly. Either is fine. 

Here's a loving reply. Hugs! 

These times seem to be more isolating than I ever remember in my long life. As much as there a myriad of ways to "connect" online, the "connections" can be superficial. 
Possibly in place of nothing else we've planned OR feeling more comfortable to reveal more about ourselves in "safe" spaces, my belief is that ONLY doing this can be contradictory to what we actually need to do. 

It's hard trying to meet with people IRL, just scheduling a meet up is a challenge! 
Then WHERE to go? People are so pushed for time, perhaps? I am. 
Then they seem to be exhausted, possibly from spending countless hours online lol, who knows? 

What I'm trying to say it that I understand, as much as I think I do. 

Do you have any interests outside of online stuff? 

Hopefully we can talk some more. 
Love EM

[Forrest]

Hey EM, thanks for the reply, and sorry for the late response, I've just seen it. Writing and reading got really hard as well. 

I don't know that I have the mental oomf to think in enough of a straight line to interact with your post properly, but just wanted to at least say thanks.

[ecomama]

All good Forrest! 

I never think in a straight line lol... ADHD certainly takes care of that. 

What are you up to? 

EMxxxx

[Forrest]

Literally (and I mean actually literally, not literally as in figuratively like the "kids" seem to use it so ironically)... staring at my computer, wearing headphones with no sound on, lol... sitting like a big dumb lump trying to think of something to want or do. I had a pretty bad panic attack yesterday and I'm still pretty drained from it but I'm also somehow worn out just from watching tv. Thanks for asking. 🙂 How about you?

[mmMekitty]

Hello Forrest, 😺 I'm so glad to have stumbled upon this thread/Discussion of yours. I have read the first page, even your initial post, which is up there at the top, so I am wondering how you are going with your sleep, your mood, & the contradictory wanting to be alone, yet feeling deeply lonely? &, of-course, have you found a few other things to do besides the tele & being online?

How have you managed with the Forums updated system, lay-out & features? 

Sometimes, I would very much like to have a good pair of headphones, & then turn the sound off. Firstly, I don't want the sounds I can hear around me to interferring with my concentration. However, I must have some, for the text-to-speech reader, but I jolly well would like to not need the voice to tell me what is written, what options I have available, to announce what some features are, hen I have my cursor onthem, & simply only have my inner voice, my thinking voice, that is,talking what I want to do & say. I don't want to hear anything I don't want to har, especially my neighbours' noises.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[Forrest]

Hi mmMekitty... My "usual" apologies for slow response times! Nice of you to drop by and chat. I'm a bit under-slept today because of...
Yeah that sentence ran out of steam. Case in point. Public forum chatting is weird. This is weird.
This odd social dynamic, where I journal my innermost thoughts in response to someone's friendly heart-felt gestures and put it on the world wide web. Humans are ill-evolved to operate this way! What a weird world we're living in. Anyway, back to doing the weird thing.
I'm not really sure that I've become any more peopley, just getting more adjusted to being alone. I guess every now and then the part of me that needs people comes bursting out screaming "I can't take anymore!" but after some brief, half-hearted effort to get amongst others I'm like "yeah that'll do I can go back to my cave now." But then of course there are ways that needing people become unavoidable and I find myself in a tough spot being so out of practice. Although I guess sometimes, I'm also finding myself more... what shall we call it... confident? Not in a driven, "I know I'm so great that it gives me confidence" way, just more in a "Meh, what are you gonna do. Who can be bothered getting worked up" kind of way... like what I've practiced in private feeling better in my own skin kind of leaks over to the way I behave around others. Of course then later I can winding up second guessing my uninhibited behavior but if it's determined that there's nothing I can do to improve the situation or fix any mistakes, once I get back into my alone groove again it's getting faster for me to just be like "oh well."
So I guess it's like a confidence based on apathy? Or something in between. It's more like, I'm quicker at accepting how I'm not perfect. I don't want to accept it so hard that I don't care how I impact others, but, having done my best, and done my best to clean up my best, I'm learning to let the rest go.
The system overhaul has been a challenge, yes. Where is the character counter?
Anyway I've been reading, actual books. Which is something I haven't had the "brain" to really do in years. I'm also working my way through a therapy that requires a lot of confronting journaling, so that has been a bit exhausting. It's amazing how draining thinking can be.

[mmMekitty]

Good to see youForrest. It's getting late for me, & I just noticed you have written here. I want to respond, but tomorrow? Okay? I need more sleep,too. I hope we both sleep in tomorrow morning, at least until dawn. That would be nice, eh?

& I hope you have fun dreams as well.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi again,Forrest.

Character Count is working in the background, until you try to post a post that is over 2500 characters (with spaces), then, a notice pops up, advising you are over the limit, but does not say by how much. You can edit & try to post again. So annoying! I've discovered it is not always accurate, & when using emojis, can be more inaccurate& the inaccuracy seems inconsistent. I’d like that fixed.

Absolutely this is not a 'normal discussion. It's more like sending open emails to everyone out there in the big wide websphere. If you are ever concerned that you are about to post something you feel is too private, at least, before you post, you can reconsider what you wrote & either not post or edit or accept this is a public forum.

We do have the Moderators, who are doing their best to keep us safe, keeping an eye on what we submit, zi think, a whole lot better than commercial social networks do.

The fact we have time to think about & write what we want to say is one reason why this feels so artificial & strange. The other is our anonymity, no faces or voices, & phone calls, the immediacy simply does not exist - try to imagine & fool ourselves as much as we like, we do not & cannot have the same sort of relationship with anyone here like we might have in our 'real' lives.

It's not even like the therapeutic relationship I have with my PsychiatristDr, or what you have with your own therapist, either.

I think, what we have is, in a way, easier than talking to 'real' friends or close family - the distance, being at a bit of a remove from each other, like a buffer.

That's similar to what I have with my PDr. We understand he deals with his own stuff, even if what I say has emotional effects on him, he deals with that. He made that clear from the start. He doesn't tell me anything about his personal feelings, even factual things about himself - I only know what I can glean from talking with him, what little I can see of him, & hear in his voice. Keeping himself closed, I am free to express myself, no judgement whatsoever. Even if I thought there was, I don't have to take that on board -such judgement would be his to resolve.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

[Having trouble with the character counter again. so this does continue from my last post.]

...

I think, so long as you are not acting in any aggressive manner, not even swearing in someone's face, let people deal with their own reactions to you. (Thanks PDr).

As we get older, mature a bit, we naturally feel, at least in some ways, more comfortable with ourselves, & not needing the approval of others to feel okay.

I've lost track, trying to get he post up - it was too, under 2500, & still didn't want to post.

I wanted to ask about what books you enjoy.

I wanted to say something about the writing, which, when I was writing, sorrt of like a journal, just for myself, to stop the thoughts & feelings churning around & around, & it can get harrowing, how, in the course of writing, we might reveal some of our deepest thoughts & feelings.

I'd advise to take the same non-judgemental approach therapist are supposed to take. Hear & allow everything to be heard. 

I was thinking about disinhibition, (sometimes I wish I could let go & be so dishibited, but I have the oposite concern, of not allowing myself to say & behave in accordance with my feelings, especially in public.) Balance. No harming others or yourself, 'cause we don't want you getting arrested, or having to deal with having behaved so badly causing others distress or harm.

I hope you can find a balance between having your alone time & getting some needs for social interactions met. In this day & age, not being absolutely self-sufficient, we will have to deal with people sometimes. Even if only online or via a phone, once we get past the machines, that is. Let's face it, the machines aren't very helpful, so we need the people who can more efficiently deal with variable condition. I suppose yu've heard tha's why we are not yet wanting to send rockets way out into space without people on board. A.I.s can't deal with the unexpected & complex as efficiently. 

****fight ing with my own machine!

mmMekitty