To be who i am is to be someone i am not. - Hi im new here

[Dathis]

"To be who i am is to be someone i am not.
Yet i am proud of who am not to become who i am.
But to become that of what i am not is to betray who i was.
To change or not to change.. or is it too late?" - Me

No its not too late. I should be and deserve to be happy. Everyone should be.
I have always used gaming as a crutch to forget about what made me feel different from those around me. I always found myself slipping away from my worries by myself in World of Warcraft, Dark souls, Legend of Zelda.. tons more. I was the goto guru for friends when they had problems in any game because no one was as good as me. Still the only skill i feel i own. A skill i am not so proud of.
~"If it hurts to be me then i'll be someone who doesnt hurt, thats not hard"
It has done me quite well for the most of my life but i know its not something i can use forever, my depression has started to hurt those around me and that is not something ill let happen. I was officially diagnosed with severe depression as well as anxiety when i was around 16 but i am fully aware that i had it since i was 11. I think what made things boil overboard after years of feeling like a failure in every way was a relationship ending in a horrible way, followed up instantly with being fired from my 1st job a month into it and exams starting all in the same week. The bottled up emotions spewed out and took control of me and i was plopped in front of the school counselor who thought my depression was an excuse. The high school 'asked' me to leave that year for what i have come to conclude was my terrible test scores and lack of attendance... Too lost in another world to care, putting ingame achievements over real world ones.
I wanted to be alone all the time to play my games but inside i was crying out for company, someone who i could share my feelings with. I am 23 now. Still (sort of) at home with my family. Recently our family business went bankrupt because of railway upgrades next door effecting business drastically. We were all placed into temporary housing until we can be put somewhere more permanent. I can't help but feel responsible for everything bad that has happened and i have taken that burden on even though i know its not something i could've controlled.
Constantly rewriting this for the last 2 hours. So with that in mind i'm going to let this be the final draft. Too hard to express myself with the character cap as is. i could write a book with what id like to share. I am glad to be here.

[blondguy]

Hello Dathis

Welcome to the forums and for having the courage to write such a good post too!

Firstly the gaming is an excellent distraction. I am a lot older but still enjoy my PS2 games and working my way up PS3. Its interesting that gaming can even stop the desire for a cigarette for many people as well

You have been through a rough time at school with your counselor thinking your depression was an excuse. Thats just not on. Depression is a serious illness that needs TLC/Support from everyone around you.

You are an intelligent and articulate person who cares a great deal about not only yourself but your family too

Your family's business also having severe pain as per the railway upgrades wouldnt have helped you at all.

You mentioned that you were diagnosed with severe depression/anxiety at 16. That is a bad place to be in. I have had depression (and medicated) for 21 years and I do feel your pain Dathis

Can I ask if you have a basic support network (even a couple of friends that you can vent to)?

Forgive me for my second question......How much help are you getting from your GP/Counselor?

Some good news for you Dathis.....the severity of anxiety/depression does reduce with ongoing counseling

You are no failure Dathis. You are a smart and proactive person....make no mistake there

The forums are a judgemental free zone....There are many people of all ages that can be here for you too 🙂

I think you are amazing for taking the time not only to post but to reach out in a difficult period in your life

we are here for you

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Dathis]

Hey and thanks for the timely reply. Its great to know that there are others out there who care, sometimes i suppose people in our situation feel alone even when there's no need to feel like it.
As for having a support group; I have reached out before many times..To family, friends and even friends in my games. I always seem to scare them off when i talk about the things that bother me or i somehow end up making them angry at me. Just the other night what made me take the extra step to come here was someone who was supporting me giving up and quitting on me. I ran out of places to turn.
I was getting help from my gp in the past, she is no expert on the matter for sure but she understands that its a big deal and shouldn't be taken lightly. she had made a recommendation that i turn to HeadSpace when i was 16 and that went terribly, constant confusions and muck ups on their end to the point where out of the 12ish free sessions you can get a year.. i maybe got to make use of 6 of them? Being pulled left and right, explaining my tale to so many people. It can be emotionally heartbreaking to go through so many bad memories to catch up someone who you wont be talking to again. I'm not sure where i should reach out to now since HeadSpace gave me the run around. I dont have the money to pay for something consistent either. I only recently heard that it can be done with bulk billing. Its something i have been meaning to look into.
I know a huge problem i have right now is that i am not on medication at the moment. I was "normal" for quite awhile when i stopped taking it 2 or so years ago but things have definitely gotten worse in the last few months. Its something i am about to arrange right after i'm finished with typing this up.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to chat to me. Might not seem like a big deal but it means alot to me to have somewhere i can go to talk to people. Maybe even help people too.

[Boofa]

Dathis, you are brave to post and to own up to how tough things are for you at the moment. I completely get that you have a sense of responsibility for the family business . BUT when we are feeling down we can take on responsibility for stuff that is not our fault. I tend to do this all the time, my partner jokes about my catholic guilt and it's true. I feel guilty about stuff that is in no way my fault. I've just discovered this forum today. Your gaming skills show that you are talented and a good friend to fellow players (know absolutely nothing about gaming). We will get there. Seek some help, and remember we will get there. Be happy to "talk" even if I'm too old to be a gamer!

[White_Rose]

Dear Dathis

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry that you been facing these difficulties on your own. Writing here on Beyond Blue is a way to express your feelings in a safe manner. We take care of each other here, listen, swop stories, offer help and information. And talking of information, I suggest you browse this site and read about depression and anxiety. The better informed you are the easier it is to manage your life.

You have told us you were diagnosed with major depression but have not said if you are being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist.Can you tell us that please? If you are not receiving help I urge you to book an appointment with your GP sooner rather than later. You have a major depression, addiction to gaming, a huge anxiety problem and lots of guilt. I think the guilt is your own creation, born of shutting yourself away from your family to play games. However it's still real and hurting you a great deal.

And now your relationship has ended. It's always devastating but losing your job and knowing your family business is bankrupt are huge blows to endure on top of your other difficulties. It's good that you have come here as BB people will support you as much as possible.

Go and see your GP. If you don't know how to start the conversation, copy your post, print it and hand to your GP. This will get the ball rolling. I imagine your GP will want to refer you to a psychiatrist, or possibly a psychologist. Please go and see whoever is recommended.

You are a couple of years older than my grandson who spends all of his time when not working in his room. This bothers me for you and him because we are a gregarious race, we need each other to talk to and be with. Being with the family is where you get loved and cared for. Of course no one is going to tell you this constantly, it's accepted as a truth without words.

Being with your family means you are part of the discussions on all sorts of matters, including the family business. You may start to believe and understand you are not responsible for this tragedy. You are also not responsible for everything that has gone wrong in your life. Children believe it is their fault because they cannot understand why awful events happen. And they go on believing it because no one has told them anything different. Can you have a chat with one or other of your parents and ask if it was your fault? I think they will be horrified to find you believing this. Please write in again.

Mary

[Guest_128]

Hey there,

thankyou for your story. I totally get it.

just keep swimming 😜

[Anthony83]

Hey mate just a thought, have you considered joining an online modding community? As a software engineer (hardware emulation) and retro gamer, i can completely relate to having a passion for computers. Also noticed your Minecraft avatar, which leads me to think you're a creative type person. While learning the basics of modding such as creating new content, it can help alot for a morale boost.

Everything in moderation of course; it's easy to get trapped behind the screen for hours on end. However joining a modding community, you can make some close online friends. It's relatively easy to create a simple mod with a little study, and does wonders for self esteem.

When im down i code; it keeps my brain active thus hasn't the time to think about anything else. If that fails, i know it's time for a walk to physically remove the tension. Just another option to consider.