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Tired of treading the same water...

onesandzeros
Community Member

I call it the churn.

 

Helplessness, inability to break the cycle, always finding the same rut again. Like it's inevitable.

 

I'm a male in my 40s, feeling like I've missed a stack of opportunities, and ruined relationships with plenty of good women. I'm well educated, never really made anything of myself though. Started and didn't finish every uni degree or certificate I attempted. Rest of my family are massively successful, loved me to bits, and I disappeared in my stubbornness and inability to grow the f up. I've missed the bus on starting a family. I haven't honoured my Dad who passed when I was young. I found success in music and threw it away with drug use and lack of commitment. I floated through life while I was given the golden ticket, now it's passed me by. I don't have the respect if my peers. I'm a decent person, that never achieved much.

 

And now I'm writing this here. Feeling like I'm still acting without purpose. Embarrassed. A failure. Wondering who would bother reaching out to someone that had it all, and fucked it up. I don't even have the balls to be suicidal.

 

To anyone reading this going through your own version of hell, I hope this place helps you find some peace.

 

 

10 Replies 10

ChildHeart
Community Member

Hi there onesandzeros! 

First of all you’re only as young as you feel. I say that because we always seem to timeline our life out in regards to age as if we should have certain things done by a certain age, often comparing ourselves to others and what they have achieved at similar ages. As somebody who has had a very late start in life due to circumstances that were both in and out of my control, I have learned that it doesn’t matter what age you are, you can still aim for greatness, for success. 

You make a point of mentioning that your family are all successful, which leads me to believe that you may be comparing yourself to them and perhaps putting yourself down because of the differences between you? I am a very creative person who knows I am not here to do your typical nine to five job and I am trying to get my projects out there to be a success but let me tell you, I have a sibling who is very successful in a creative job that has even won him a gold award. Sometimes I fall into the trap of comparing myself to him and his achievements, but I try to remind myself that we are both on our own paths with our own destiny and therefore, I know that it’s possible that my projects can be successful and, and I can be successful, too.

 

I don’t have a family of my own either yet, and that’s something I have wanted and I feel body clock wise I’m running out of time. However I also know I need to have faith in the belief that if it’s meant to be, it will happen when  I’m divine timing. 

May I ask if there was a reason you started all those uni degrees and certificates but never finished them? Did you lose interest? Change your mind? 

Thanks for your msg Childheart.

I'm not giving up on life. I continue to perform at events and help stage them. 

I'm just tired of the cycles of anxiety and depression that I can't seem to escape, no matter how much effort and logic are applied.

 

I don't compare myself to my family - I just know that with the opportunities I have been given - and wasted- that I could've achieved much more, and there is a certain amount of shame and disappointment that comes with that.

 

Some of my studies I did not complete from lack of interest and suitability, others out of straight up laziness and inability to apply myself.

 

  1. I realise my first msg may gave cone across very defeatist, I was definitely at a low point yesterday. I do feel slightly better today. I appreciate your msg and hope that things are well for you. Thankyou for your support.

 

Sorry I accidentally formatted the last of my msg in point form

Hi again onesandnzeros,

 

You’ve no need to apologise. You were acknowledging how you were feeling at that particular time, and that’s ok. You have clearly assed your thoughts and feelings and enlightened yourself to the possibility that you were simply “in the moment” and that perhaps things are a little different to how you expressed them at the time. Many if not all of us have done that at some point in our lives. 

If we look at a cycle as a perfectly drawn circle, there’s nothing but an endless line that keeps going around and around, however if we look at it from the perspective of having drawn the circle, there’s a beginning and an end. If you tried imagining that circle as one long line, there’s a clear point at which we begin and one where we finish. Although cycles can be tough to deal with, they aren’t impossible to break. Forgive me as it’s been a while since I have played the game, but if I remember correctly, in the game of ludo/parchisi, a player once having reached their colour on the board to reach home and try win the game, has the choice to head towards home with the next roll of the dice, or they can choose to go around the board another time. Sometimes we choose to go around the board again when we don’t see the way out and the option to “go home” and therefore make the long trek around the board once more. My point is that cycles can seem never ending and something that can’t be changed or broken, but we are more in control of them than we think and sometimes it can be as simple as looking at it from a different perspective. 

I am sorry you are going through depression as well and I certainly know how hard that can be. Have you have any professional support for the depression? 

 

On an additional note, I am typing on my phone and re-reading my last post back I was a little repetitive with my choice of words. Forgive me, hopefully it makes sense. 

Petal22
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi onesandzero,

 

I can hear that you are feeling a bit stuck.

 

I understand how it can feel being stuck in a cycle.

 

Cycles appear in our life so we can break them…. “You heard me a cycle can be broken”.

 

But first you need to become aware of what your cycle is and then in turn disengage from it and replace the things  that you are disengaging from to more positive thought patterns and behaviours.

 

Change comes from breaking the cycle.

 

Our life storms are here to teach us something and they will keep repeating until we learn the lesson that they are trying to teach us.

 

Is their something that you are passionate about?

 

If you can find your passion and your why then you can put the two together to find your purpose.

 

Everyone has a purpose and it can be more obvious than we think.

 

Our reality becomes what we think so think more in the direction of what type of person you want to be and then create that person with your thoughts and actions in a positive way and then watch your reality change in time.

 

It takes inner work but it’s one of the most rewarding work you will ever do in your life.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your msgs. 

Trying my best to push forward, and not get caught in the cycle. 

Unfortunately at the moment I cannot change what I am feeling, but I am trying different avenues to change my outlook and perspective.

 

Shazzyy
Community Member

I feel the same way in my life too. I'm in my third year at university at the moment, but I still have never had a job, I don't really go out much and have a social life, and all I really do is study while everyone else around me seems to be doing really well. Everyone else is in long-term relationships. Everyone has good jobs and seem to have their lives put together. And then there's me: a woman who just spends her days writing and studying, daydreaming about a life I could've had and crying my eyes out over a man who doesn't love me as I love him. Not to mention I've never had a meaningful friendship before. I feel pretty hopeless in this world, and I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

That’s ok onsandzeros,

 

I understand that you can’t change the way you are feeling at the moment and that’s ok.

 

I believe that we need to allow ourselves to feel our emotions but try not to stay there for too long…keep moving through them.

 

An emotion is something that will come up and until we deal with it and feel it,  it will repeat itself.

 

I understand that you have regrets with your Dad.

 

Sometimes when we feel this way from things in the past we need to learn to forgive ourselves and by doing this it will allow us to move forward.

 

I think it’s great that you are trying new avenues to change your outlook and perspective.

 

We can create new pathways in our brains.