Supporting an ex

[Worriedex]

Hi there, My partner broke up with me 4 months ago after dating for 2.5 years. He has a teenage son to his ex wife. He runs a business and was always traveling interstate and overseas. About 1.5 years ago I became emotionally invested in another person after my partner was away a lot, shut me out of his life and asked me to pretend we weren’t together to allow his son to get used to the idea. When he found out he was understandably hurt and angry but we worked through it and or so I had thought. Since then I have devoted all my time and energy to rebuilding the trust and being there for him, being incredibly understanding of his work load and custody arrangements which means we had limited time together. Any argument we had, he would blame me for being invested in someone else as it was an easy way for him to punish us both. After all the guilt I relapsed with an eating disorder and depression and he tried to support me through it.Mid last year our our relationship was back on track. We had bought a house together, I was really close to his son and the future looked bright except for the fact he kept throwing himself into work too much and was never available at weekends. His dad was hen diagnosed with terminal cancer which really rocked him and we were caring for his dad and supporting his mother for the last 6 months. out of the blue my now ex broke up with me over the phone. He said that he had been planning it for a year and he had no interest in ever being in a relationship again as he said all women screw him over. We still speak peak daily and I am trying to help and support him as he has a breakdown. But he says he doesn’t want any help. He is carrying some serious pressure at work, running a business, caring for his dad, looking after his son part-time. Outside of that he says he is broken and does not ever want to see anyone! He says he’s antisocial and this is how he is going to be for the rest of his life. I’m still madly in love with him and want a future with him, but I also realise I need to support him by giving him the space and time he needs. I can tell he is very depressed and broken but the more time he spends alone, the longer he is convincing himself that all people are evil and isolation is better. He refuses to seek professional help or for us to even have couples counselling. This is really started to affect my mental health and I am at a loss of how to help him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[IreneM]

HI Worridex

First of all welcome to the forums. I can relate to your situation a lot, as I have had a major breakup where I had to choose between my life or his, it was awful.

I agree with you that both of you need professional help. But if he finds your company hurtful I suggest that you respect that and possibly move on.

When looking after someone else who is in a bad state, I suggest that you focus on them and put your own problems aside unless you already have a close relationship and you know that they will understand you too, without it hurting them further.

I am currently trying to help someone else who is in a depression hole and have invited them to this forum without success. I think the key is to develop a rapport slowly with him.

BUT most importantly you cannot do this without caring for yourself first. So I suggest that you see your doctor and get your own health sorted first. I encourage you to get a referral to someone and never hesitate to call the support lines down below. One thing about most of us on this forum, we would be lost without our mental therapists.

Please take care and keep us posted, even if you start up another post in the Relationships section, you will find other similar situations here.

Irene.

[Worriedex]

Thanks Irene, I really appreciate all your help and advice.

i already have a pretty detailed mental health plan with my gp, psychologist etc so I am doing all that I can do.

there are some further complexities in that we are tied together for a visa, which makes the usual cutting ties difficult, as well as sharing a property and a dog.

Navigating life without someone when you are tied to them in other ways is just impossible.

[IreneM]

HI Worriedex

Yes. I can relate to that. It's so difficult to navigate life when they are in a very depressed state. In these situations some level of communication helps. But when someone is depressed it can take time so patience and a willingness to wait for their moods to settle is a big part of it.

Think that you need to focus on a few things:

1. Try to keep up the regular communication with him and each time just be there for him and be a listening ear, without taking what he says too seriously, otherwise it could further depress you; but don't expect anything in return (certainly not in the short-term - over time yes).

2. Concentrate on your own recovery program as you are doing, it's possible that you may be at a point where you can expand it to other areas.

For example: you could ask your GP to refer you for assistance in Diet and/or Exercise; and include that in your recovery plan. Dietitians and Exercise Physiologists really turned my life around. With their help I realised that there are things I CAN do, not what I can't.

3. Forgive yourself, and know that you can just be there for him. I think that you're learning very well from what you did wrong and are changing your ways. After a while he will see the positive changes in you and eventually he may come to you for advice, when he feels that he is ready to do something for himself.

The more that you look after yourself the more you can be there for him if he needs and wants it.

Remember you can only change and improve you and you only, not anyone else.

Take care

Irene.