Stuck Single, and every day is harder

[Kahlzun]

I have never been great at the people side of things. I grew up an outsider, bullied and cripplingly alone, and I internalised a lot of that loneliness into my identity. I convinced myself that I didn't need other people, that I didn't belong around them. 

Thankfully, being part of a large family helped keep me grounded, and I grew out of much of these thoughts, but still carried this idea of being somehow independent of others. 

I've had two long-term relationships, one ended in the sudden death of my wife, and the other suddenly dumped me earlier this year in favour of a different guy. 

I've been slowly crawling my way out of the pain of rejection and abandonment, and I am finding myself very alone. 

My friends are slowly drawing away from me, gradually responding less and less to my messages. I've had very little luck with the online dating, none of my friends are able to (or maybe willing to?) introduce me to their single friends, and I don't know how to meet people organically.

I'm autistic, so I find engaging with social activities to be daunting at best, which greatly limits my opportunities for meeting people organically.. 

And it just is starting to all pile up. I've been trying. I've been trying really hard, but I just don't feel like I'm making any progress anymore and it's starting to feel increasingly hopeless.

And despite my previous beliefs in my independence, I'm finding that I am desperately needing company in ways that I never did before. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm also on the spectrum high functioning along with bipolar etc. I'm 70yo and happily married plus had 4 long term relationships 2 adult kids. I only was told 2 years ago I'm likely on the spectrum, no real diagnosis as I'm too old to care about it but it all makes sense- cant stand noise, have extreme hobbies etc.

So when my 1st marriage broke down my confidence was at an all time low. I embarked upon a confidence building journey, every morning I'd stare into the mirror and say- "you are a good person, you are a good father, you deserve better, you are good enough for love". After 4 moths it worked. But that one strategy.

We have to remind ourselves that other people have the same issues, they are just as worried as you that they wont find a partner. 

You have lost your wife and that alone can leave you isolated. That isnt your fault. So I suggest you stick with online dating as my daughter met her husband that way, yes, its a long shot but worth the patience. Compatibility is the key, same interests helps. Join clubs, meet as many people as you can.

It's a fact that you have to be proactive to be successful but you can do this as well as inside masking your lack of confidence. Takes practice. 

I hope that helps. 

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hi Kahlzu, I'm just tagging this post at the moment. I will come back later with a proper reply. Listening ...

[EsCee]

Hi Kahlzan.

You mentioned you find social interactions difficult but have been married and had another partner. Good on you! That must have been difficult at the beginning- to step out of your comfort zone to meet these 2 people.

What are your interests? What do you like to talk about or learn about? Maybe there are some other groups that have similar interests to you. If not, I'm sure there are others on here looking for someone to chat to so that we all feel less lonely

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for sharing part of your story and sad to hear about what you’ve been through. Being and feeling lonely can be really tough and take a quiet toll on us over time.

What sort of things do you enjoy doing or find comforting? Perhaps there are some online activities? Sometimes reconnecting with even small interests can make a big difference.

Listening...