stuck in my head

[hannaha]

I have been searching the internet for years almost to try and find a post or a blog or a forum about thoughts I have and insecurities. Everything i come across seems to be the same around depression, wanting to end it, seeing everything negatively, feeling numb. I only relate to some for a portion of time. I am a happy person anyone would agree with me but something i have struggled for so long with is being stuck in my own head.
I struggle with the every person insecurities about body image and if my personality is fun and lovable. But i also have a terrifying fear that my younger sister (J) is becoming prettier than me, cooler than me, funnier than me, juvenile stupid things yes. I have watched all my sisters grow up and surpasss me in beauty and the ability to take control of their lives, weight, maturity and motivation. I am still stuck back here. I feel left behind. I used to relate to (J) on body issues and lacking motivation but she's hit 16 and already moved on. I feel myself becoming more and more defensive around her, needing to put her down to make myself feel better and make myself feel like she hasn't left me behind. I am definitely the least prettiest of my family. Compared to my supermodel 3 sisters i am an average looking person i mean even compared to anyone else nothing stands out about me i am so average i look at myself in the mirror and i just feel so bored with my face.
my older sister will always say "oh (j) you could be a model" or "(younest sister) you are going to be the hottest in the family", stupid things but i push it off with humour when it makes me feel so shit and out of place in the family. I am rapidly gaining weight and feeling worse and worse about myself as i get older.

My sister and i used to bully each other with humour and we wouldn't be hurt by it because we were both in the same boat but now as (J) becomes prettier and more mature i feel so intimidated by her i don't feel older than her at all i feel pushed down by her even with her nicest words towards me. What terrifies me the most above all of this is that i write this and the perception of what is being written by others is another insecure girl. My worst fear is that all of this only exists in my head, not in the sense that it isnt real but that only i can understand the true pain being felt and no matter how hard i search for someone to really understand, i will never find them.

i have other problems but this one is on my mind at the moment

[Croix]

Dear hannaha~

Welcome to the Forum. I'd think many here could relate to the problems you are having. I'm also sure they are very real and not 'just' anything.

Reading your post I get the impression there are basically two things troubling you. First that you do not think well of yourself, see yourself as having only average looks and maybe even an unflattering idea about your body.

Secondly your relationship with your sisters is changing as they grow up, and possibly fueled by your own negative feelings about yourself believe that they are becoming more attractive and you less so in comparison.

If it was just a passing thought that would be more or less OK I guess, however it seems to be a deep and constant source of unhappiness in you.

While I'm not sure it will convince you most people looking in a mirror will find fault with themselves (I certainly do, particularly side-on), while others looking will have a completely different and probably much more favorable impression. Add to that how attractive a person is may depend in part on looking reasonable, it depends a whole lot more on their nature.

Having these thoughts weigh you down all the time would make life very miserable, which is a pity, life should be so much better. Maybe it is a form of anxiety, I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Anxiety does strike many, and the reason is not always obvious. As an example it took me a fair while to work out mine was job-related

I would suggest though that you do see a doctor and explain what has been happening. It may be hard to explain, if so show your post above. Once the problem is known and understood steps can be taken to remedy it. In time I'd hope you would be able to be comfortable in your sisters' presence and not feel so bad.

Please feel you can come here anytime, you will be understood and people will care

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi hannaha,

We can make life very difficult if we continually compare ourselves to others and feel like we do not measure up.

A healthy self esteem is important, it affects so much of our lives.

You have mentioned that you are putting on weight, now may be the time to try and be aware of what you are eating and to exercise more to become fitter.

There are so many ways we can enhance the way we look and feel about ourselves? Can you find parts of yourself that you do like and work on those aspects?

Is it possible to buy something that you really like and feel good in?

Can you talk to your Mum and your sisters about how you are feeling? Or maybe an Aunty?

Looks may seem like everything to you right now, there are also other things that are important with in a person like beliefs, character, behaviour and so much more.

Is it possible for you to try to compare yourself less to your sisters, especially to J. Maybe consider if you would like to be a beautiful model or would you like to be able to count your sisters as being your best friends as well?

Beauty may not last a life time, sisters can.

Cheers from Dools