Struggling - what's wrong with me?

[fognozzle]

Hi all, I'm a 45 year old male now living in a rural area after making the 'tree change' out of the city. I wasn't happy in the city and figured this is what I wanted, but I'm still not happy.

I'm constantly tired and anger easily. Every little task seems so incredibly hard. I can't focus, I feel a constant weight of negative judgement and feeling useless. I try to do something then quit after a few minutes due to a feeling of futility and exhaustion and that I ought to be doing something else. I work for myself and I'm barely making ends meet. I've just started a new relationship and already feel that it will fail once my true colours come out. Friendships seem to take far more energy from me than I can give, and even though I feel like I've tried hard to maintain them they mostly fizzle out.

A couple of years ago my GP tried me on medication. I felt so violently unwell that I quit after a few days. More recently I had a few sessions with a counsellor, who seemed to get me confused with another patient and forgot what we had discussed, and the only advice I took away from her was to identify my negative thought patterns and stop doing them. I assume this differs from 'snap out of it', but I fail to see how.

She referred me back to my GP with what seemed to be quite a scathing letter - apparently I am 'not open to any skill building with regards to managing emotions, manages to find arguments against the concept of CBT and identifying unhelpful thinking patterns and in short, we seem to be going around in circles'. I honestly can't recall anything specific I was meant to try. I hate to be 'that' patient that accuses their therapist of being wrong, but here we are. And she's the only counsellor for miles around so it's not like I can just try again with somebody else.

My GP has now referred me to a psychiatrist I can ill afford - who sent me a text message to advise that their office is closed for the next month.

I just feel like somehow I have become so needy, that the medical system simply does not have the resources to pander to me.

I don't even know how to describe this. Is it depression? Anxiety? Stress? Mid life crisis? Why does it feel so physically overwhelming?

[PamelaR]

Hello Fognozzle

Feeling tired and angry all the time is quite debilitating. It's no wonder you're getting even angrier. It's good that you've found your way to the Beyond Blue (BB) forums. People who post in the forums are not counsellors or therapists, they are friendly, caring, supportive and experience with mental illness. So we are unable to provide you with a diagnosis.

The psychologist was certainly forthright and you have to remember that is just one psychologists opinion. Each one has their own style and if you don't fit into the approach they have, then it isn't going to work. I've changed psychologists because of this. Not one size fits all. So there is still hope.

It is unfortunate that the psychiatrist's office is closed for a month. Getting to the bottom of your tiredness and why you anger easily will help you to move on.

I'm going to ask you a lot of questions. Sometimes it makes it easier to have conversations with people when you know a little more. You don't have to answer any of these unless you want to or you think I'm being too nosey.

Have you felt like this all your life, or is it only recent? Since you moved to a rural area?

You sound very down on yourself. You talk about your true colours. So what do you think these are?

What are some of the happier times in your life been like?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[fognozzle]

Thanks PamelaR, I appreciate your taking the time.

To be honest I think I've always struggled a bit, it is difficult to recall times where I've been 'happy' (other than the carefree days of childhood playing with friends) but I've mostly got along OK and had hobbies etc. Lately I really haven't had any interest in (or energy for) hobbies, everything seems like such an uphill effort. Although I suppose I should count my emergency volunteer work as a hobby, I do find time and energy for that.

Maybe I just have motivation issues, or I'm not cut out for the hot climate here, or I'm feeling trapped in my new situation, or maybe I've been depressed most of my life and just muddled through. But I feel kinda foggy and tired and 'put upon' nearly all of the time.

I recently ended a relationship that wasn't working, quite suddenly, and I know she is hurting more than me which makes me feel bad but I can't own that right now. Bizarrely a day or two later I got an email out of the blue from a girl I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago (no grapevine there, pure coincidence) and we reconnected in the most lovely way. I probably should spend some time solo but I'm confident that whatever my issues are, they aren't directly attributable to any relationship, and there's definitely a connection with this new girl so I'm keen to see her again. I do feel that I should come clean with her about my 'baggage' right now so she knows where I'm at, but I also feel so fragile and needy and insecure and I know that can't be attractive. I also know there's little to be gained from trying to hide or deny where I'm at right now.

Now I feel like I'm just rambling on in a self-absorbed way, but maybe I need to do that right now. Thanks for enabling me :o]

[quirkywords]

Fognozzle,

Welcome to the forum. Pamela has written a very supportive and helpful post.

I think you may realise that it is probably a good idea to be honest with the new girl, but you don't have to go into a lot of detail but explain enough that she knows a bit of how you are feeling. The longer you leave it the harder it will be, just my opinion and you may disagree.

I think people can relate to what you are going through and I can too. It sometimes can be hard to exactly pinpoint what you are experiencing until you are reflecting after you have gone through it.

You are not rambling at all, the forums are for people to express how they are feeling and to be heard.

Feel free to post when you want to.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

[smallwolf]

Fognozzle,

Hi. Interesting name. I assume it is related to firefighting?

I saw your posts and wanted to pick up on a couple pf points you raised. You said...

Lately I really haven't had any interest in (or energy for) hobbies, everything seems like such an uphill effort.

I can relate to this. I have various distractions tools, and online games that I can play, and these don't seem to get me out of that down mood. (I should also point out that I have just started taking anti-depressants.) So that feeling that you have is not uncommon. How to get oneself out of that position I wish I could answer. I am thinking back to the most recent this happened to me.

But I think the important thing to realize here is that you know that something is not right. And by posting here, you are searching for answers, and hopefully healing? Also, the thing to note is that not all methods work for all people. I was reading a book recommended to me by my psych. It contained ideas for managing the negative thoughts. Suppose there were 10 different idea presented. I can tell you that only the 1 or 2 actually worked for me. We have to work out, by trial and error (?) what works best for our situation.

You also said...

I don't even know how to describe this. Is it depression? Anxiety? Stress? Mid life crisis? Why does it feel so physically overwhelming?

When I first saw my psych, we did not even worry about labelling. In fact, it was only after the first 6 sessions she said that that I had severe depression and severe anxiety. Even now I don't really have any diagnosis. I will be seeing a psychiatrist next week. Maybe s/he will have shed some light on it. But I am content in knowing that my thought (negative ones) are real, and there are people trying to help me combat these thoughts.

As I always say, this is a marathon and not a sprint, though I sometime wish it were the other way around.

On rambling... better to let it all out than trying to keep it all in. Sometimes, you might get a answer or new perspective on what you are writing about. Other times, a cry for help. Writing itself can also be therapy.

Do you have any distraction or coping tools? If so, what are they?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Smallwolf.

[fognozzle]

Thanks everyone.

Yes, a fog nozzle is a firefighting tool, but using it as a nickname makes me smile...

I do have various 'diversionary' (ie procrastinatory) activities that I indulge in, these seem to work temporarily to numb the anxiety that I should be doing something else but they don't achieve anything meaningful in themselves and merely delay/compound the problem.

I do seem to function normally when I'm busy with a task that interests me - the volunteer work is a good example, and while I do often still feel exhausted and sometimes struggle to interact with others in a lucid manner I'm quite functional and competent. I sleep well at night and usually wake at a good hour (although I do tend to procrastinate on the internet for a while before facing the world). This apparent ability to function well makes me think that I'm not really suffering an illness, that it is simply an issue of context or motivation.

I don't think I've struggled like this when I've been in full-time work. I haven't been especially happy, but the daily routine has probably kept the worst of it from engulfing me. The regular pay check also goes a long way to relieving money stresses, but I do resent the amount of my life that I sacrifice for a few bucks. Maybe I need to investigate a more rewarding career path. I've run a couple of solo businesses over the years (as I do now) and I seem to be most functional in the early problem-solving and development stages, then I lose interest in the day-to-day grind once that period has passed. Maybe I'm just not very motivated to work alone, and would function better with a team and particularly when there is ongoing personal development. The emergency work is quite inspiring in that there is an almost endless path for self development and new skills, always more challenging roles available for those that can do them, but sadly there aren't many paid positions on offer. But it's worth exploring.

I think I will cancel my next appointment with the therapist, I don't want to get into a situation where we are arguing over perceptions and I'm not confident she is fully aware of what we have and haven't discussed. Besides, nothing really has changed since the last one - she thought the GP might try me on some meds but we decided to wait until after I see a psych. I can plod on for another month or two until then.

I just wish I had a clearer sense of where my issues lie so that I could try and work around them.

[Sue62]

You must be my twin.... I too run a small business and my husband and I moved to a rural location 5 years ago thinking it would do us both good. He loves it, I .... not so much. Being in my 50's I've found it nigh impossible to make new friends, just acquaintances, who once they find out the real 'crazy' me probably wont stick around. Prior to moving I had checked out the medical system up here as my husband has Multiple Sclerosis. There seemed to be plenty of doctors...just no one told me that there's about a 4 week wait to actually see one unless there's an emergency... To see a psychiatrist..... 3 month minimum, then he got sick and there was no one to replace him.... So I now travel to Adelaide to see a psychiatrist and I next to never go to the doctors so just haven't bothered forming any sort of relationship up here. With the few I did try with initially you'd see them 2 or 3 times then to find out they'd been transferred back to Adelaide etc. so I've actually seen my old doctor in Adelaide a couple of times, easier to travel back to the city than wait.

I too don't do too well with counselors, the one I've seen here only seems to hand out sheets of paper, do the odd survey and generally not be very helpful. I eventually tell her everything I think she wants to hear and I walk away as mixed up as ever. My dog is better help...

It does sound like you do need to be on some sort of medication. I fought the idea for about 15 years, but once I got on one that suited life evened out, (not cured, just evened out) and the world and I got on a whole lot better. Cancel the darn therapist.... no use tying yourself up in knots trying to please someone else, she's supposed to be helping you, finding ways that work, not fitting you into something...you know square peg, round hole.... good luck with it all, but do not stop trying to find an answer. Find a 'good' doctor, take a long appointment time so they have time to spend with you. If you really need help instantly lob up to your local hospital and SCREAM that you need help...now.... guaranteed a bed for the night at least....lol Don't despair.

[smallwolf]

On working alone... while I am unsure of the stresses (financially or the fact that you are essentially working alone, etc.) places on you (singular), in my case the loneliness of working from home, alone is what brought me here. While probably not scientifically shown, there are enough articles on the web of the dangers of working from home/alone.

On whether you have an illness or not... I have just started on anti-depressants. Some days think I am healed (that the depression has "gone" and the next day "sinking". It comes and goes in waves. Some days I wonder if I am making it all up. But then, suppose I see an email and then heart starts racing etc. and reality sinks in. The mind. Playing tricks on me and you.

On the therapist... If you don't mind my asking... you said "manages to find arguments against the concept of CBT". What techniques are used? What part do you disagree with? Can you talk about this with her? My attitude with my psych is that I am paying them for their services (I am the customer) and so there needs to be some sort of the compromise. On both sides.

And then, being open to other possibilities on your part? For example, I am not one for the energy stuff and stars. But with a program I bought had a number of meditations, for each day. And then part way through the meditation I was in lying down in space, the stars all around me. And there was positive energy entering me, and the negative energy disappearing into space, and I was one with the cosmos. Woh! I thought. I don't believe in this stuff. But I then said to myself it is only a meditation and should be open to the possibility. So I accepted what was being said. At the end, I opened my eyes and felt refreshed.

Sometimes we have to give a little to get a little. I don't know if this helps or hinders your case. I just hope that you are able to find the (primary?) cause and be able to find that inner happiness you are searching for.

Smallwolf