Struggling to Cope with Dads death

[J_R]

My mum and Dad got sick over Xmas period - Covid. I live in Australia and they live in South Africa. I been fighting with my Dad over various ridiculous things over the years viz. cleaning out the house , money , reducing waste - he's so stubborn and refuses to give an inch.

I must say he is one of the kindest , most loving , funniest person you will ever meet . He skyped on the 30 Dec and I wasn't sure how sick he was initially because he looked fine or he pretended to be fine. I was angry with him and shouted at him for getting Covid and infecting my Mom. I shouted at him because I begged him to stay home and not go out but he refused and he went out everyday . We fought about this for a year. I even stopped sending him money because I thought it might convince him to stay home - didn't work. I did send money soon after I realized it didn't work.

That is the last time I spoke with him in person, in South Africa Covid is out of control - no hospital beds , doctors wont do home visits, Uber wont pick u up , you stuck at home. I phone around desperately with time zone issues and phone connection problems and we finally got him a place in hospital on the 3rd Jan , he passed away on the 4th. I regret all the fighting , my Mom seems ok - she's says they are almost destitute, he never told me that they are so broke - I would have sent so much more money. Why did I let my parents struggle, why didn't I know this - he always wanted money but I though he was just scamming me - I wasn't listening. I've been so busy with my own life that I missed so many things.

He died so quickly within days , I didnt even have a chance to say goodbye. I am just struggling to cope with his death. All I can think about is the stupid fights and not just giving him enough money to have a good life.

[Angel_Joy]

I'm very sorry to hear this. I-i'll try help. Just, please don't get mad at me or anything with what I I'll say. Heh. I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing.

We don't need lots of money to have a good life. You dad would want you to be happy and I think he would be proud of you, and I'm sure he would forgive you. People are never really gone if we keep their memories close to our heart. You dad should be proud of you, and I'm sure he was.

I'm here if you need anything.

Sincerely yours, Angel_Joy.

[Angel_Joy]

Sorry if that doesn't help.

[Guest_4643]

Hi J_R, welcome to the forums.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing, and the other things you wrote that you're all struggling with. I would agree with Angel_Joy, but that's just mine and their opinion, and we mean it in a nice way, trying to comfort you.

I wish we could do more to support you, I'm sorry we can't. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. I know how hard it is losing loved ones. He's at peace now though, out of his pain.

[sunnyl20]

Hi J_R,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I cannot imagine how distressing and painful the past weeks have been for you, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I know it is easier said than done, but please do not blame yourself for what has happened. You are not at fault. It can be so difficult living so far in different time zones from loved ones, and knowing everything that is happening can be challenging especially when you have got a lot going on in your own life keeping you busy. Ruminating on what should or could have happened is difficult to avoid, but will only intensify the pain and hurt. It is clear from what you have said that you care deeply for your parents and did a lot to provide for them. Please try not to beat yourself up. Give yourself the time and space that you need to grieve, and be kind to yourself.

We are here to listen and support you. Take care.

[J_R]

I am still struggling , I am pretending to wife and family ... all ok. I secretly spend my time crying full of regrets. When will this get better, every little memory pushes me over the edge?

[Sophie_M]

Hi J_R,

We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling with the loss of your father. We understand what a difficult time this must be for you. We are so glad you decided to join us here to
share your thoughts and feelings with our wonderful community.
 
If you think it might be helpful to talk about how you are feeling further with a counsellor we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport .

Alternatively we'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. 

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

hi and sorry to hear about your loss of your father.

it is really easy to beat ourselves up for something that has happened. I can also say holding the pain inside and not saying anything is equally destructive. Different circumstances, it was something I was good at for a lifetime until I starting getting professional help. I think you also loved your parent very much from your posts - a closeness, in looking them, calling them despite time zone issues etc.

Loss and grief and how we all deal with it is individual and based on the circumstances. There is a chap I speak to on a regular basis - his father passed away last year and working through it now. It has no timetable and your feelings are natural for a variety of reasons.

A question you dont have to answer here .... does your wife and family see any difference in your behaviours?

And finally, talking about some sorts of things with own wife is difficult. My psych* suggested! This is not me telling you what to do. Except it was helpful for both of us and our relationship.

Peace and comforting thoughts, Tim

[sunnyl20]

Hi J_R,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It sounds like you are in a very dark place. I cannot imagine how painful it must be to hide your grief from your wife and family. Trying to hold the pain and distress inside often compounds the hurt that we feel. Talking with others about what is happening can be so helpful in unburdening yourself from the weight of all that pain. Have you considered talking to your wife or a close friend about what has been happening for you?

Please know we are here to listen & support you, we care.