Struggling, thoughts sending me in a shame spiral

[crazy32]

Hi All,

First time ever posting on an internet forum. Hard even to continue typing....

I had a mental breakdown about 6 years back now. It drove my relationship with my now wife to breaking point. I was put on medication by my Doctor and was told to seek Counciling. I never did and ended taking myself off the medication after a month or so as i felt i didnt need it and it effecting me.

Since then everything has been peachy, married my wife and life has been great.........until now. I feel myself relapsing. Ive booked into a GP today and hopefully can get referred to someone asap

i hate this feeling of nothingness. No emotions (except complete sadness), no feelings towards my wife and i hate it. A week ago we were all lovey dovey and going out the movies and having lunch at cafes, and just like the flick of a switch its all gone for me. i feel like im on auto pilot!

I just want to be back to normal. My bubbly self, my feelings for my wife. I have told her i feel and she is trying to support me as best she can, i just feel so bad and upset that im putting her through this all over again

[Doolhof]

Hi crazy32,

Welcome to the community here! Well done for managing to join up and make your first ever connection on the forum. Hopefully the Dr will be able to help you at your appointment.

There are a few things you may be able to do to help yourself in between. You might find it helpful to use the phone help line here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. You can also look through the resources and information. There are sections on depression, how to help yourself and how others can support you. YOu may find some valuable help there.

One good thing is that you recognise you need and want help. When we are in deniale, that is when change is difficult.

Sometimes we do just need to exist, to be on auto pilot, and not be too concerned when the good feelings are not there all of the time. We all have off days that suck. The thing for me is to not focus on the negatives too much or else they just grow.

I try to go out and do my usual activities even when I just want to curl up in ball and retreat in tears for the day. By trying to keep up normal activities, we can tell the brain we don't want to give up.

Is there one thing you can do today that will help you to feel a little better about yourself and your life? Taking on one thing at a time is more manageable.

Trying to accept the depression as being "depression" and acknowledging that it sucks, can sometimes help to take the pain out of it and help you to move on again.

There are plenty of people here who understand where you are coming from. Wishing you well on your journey of discovering how to overcome and manage your depression.

Cheers from Dools

[crazy32]

Hi, thank you so much for your reply, i was crying reading it the whole time which i know is not me.

Yes i luckily have a sport which i absolutely love which starts up again today and tomorrow so a lot of my time today will be taken up with that after i finish work.

My wife suggested i take a couple of days off work (working 12hr days during the week) but i do not want to as i dont want to be sitting at home with a million thoughts swirling around my head. Dont get me wrong, by no means am i suicidal or have negative thoughts that go to that...extreme if you will, for lack of better description. I would rather stay as occupied as i can.

Any feeling i get just makes me feel guilty and seems to be increased tenfold which just sends me into a shame spiral (as my thread suggests)

[Doolhof]

Hi crazy32,

It is excellent you have sport to enjoy later today. Having something to look forward to certainly helps and any kind of physical activity is good for us in many ways.

Have you tried writing out your thoughts to get them out of your head? Have you heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? That might be something you could try. I find that when I write out all that negative rubbish, I like to balance it off with at least three things that I am thankful for.

Maybe a couple of days off work could do you the world of good, not to just sit at home lost in your own thoughts, but to go and do something totally different! It doesn't have to be ski diving, it could be visiting a different part of the city, going for a long drive in the country, going to a museum or art gallery, or anything you can think of.

There is absolutely no reason at all to feel any kind of guilt or shame around any issues with mental health! I know there are many people who don't understand mental health issues, they are real, just like diabetes, cancer, thyroid problems, Chronic Fatigue or any other condition you can think of. It is real. It is legitimate. It can be treated.

Hopefully you will find the help you need and the strength from within to understand this illness more, to learn from it, grow, and develop coping skills! It is a journey of self discovery!

Cheers again to you from Dools

[crazy32]

Hi Dools,

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me and my thoughts. Im unfamiliar with CBT but will look into it. Hoping to get in to speak to someone as quickly as possible, but hopefully this forum and the people in it will help me to get through it in the meantime

After my initial breakdown i thought i had picked up the knowledge to identify the triggers or feelings that would creep in that would result in me ending back in the same place.

[Doolhof]

Hi crazy32,

You are more than welcome! People on the forum have been a huge help to me, so I am only happy to "listen" to others and offer a little advice here and there that may help. If you Google CBT I am sure you will find ideas on how to work through it.

I'm not sure if you are familiar with the expression "The Black Dog" relating to depression, you might see it on various threads here if you have a look around on the forum. In one thread, myself and a couple of others have called anxiety "A Feral Cat!"

Sometimes The Black Dog is very sneaky and comes up behind us, hiding in the shadows and then he jumps out at us and we don't know what has hit us.

Relapses can happen to any of us. It does not mean you are weak in any way. It does not mean that you are not trying hard enough. It just means you are human and unfortunately you are one of millions of people who experiences depression.

So how did your sports go? Did you manage to attend? If so congratulations. If not, then maybe you can get there next time. I managed a walk today so I felt good about that.

One thing is to go easy on yourself. This illness can just pop out of no where. You can learn new ways of coping and build up your strategies to cope differently and have more hope!

Cheers to you and All reading, from Dools

[Doolhof]

Me again!

Hey, just thinking about your title and the spiralling thoughts. One theory about stopping those negative thoughts from spiralling further is to thank your mind for the thoughts, then tell your mind you don't want to listen to any more thoughts like that, and try to refocus onto something more helpful.

Depending on where you are, this conversation with your mind is better done in your head and not out loud! I have done it out loud at home and my husband has given me some funny looks. It can help even though the idea seems weird at first.

Another idea is to sing a song to yourself. I can only ever come up with Old McDonald had a farm, and even that is way off key! Ha. Ha.

Cheers again from Dools

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[crazy32]

Hi Dools,

Yes i managed to go out to my sport from start to finish even though i just kind of drifted through it i managed to get a tiny bit of laughter and smile from it but it was only very temporary which was frustrating.

Then my wife came out and i can see how visibly upset she is and it cuts me deep because i know im doing this to her and putting her through all of this again. She thinks i do not love anymore which is not the case, i just have no feelings atm, i have nothingness/emptiness if you will. It frustrates me so much as a week ago we were going for lunch, the movies etc and i was loving it and then Bam!

Thank you for all your help so far,it has put me a little at ease to write out this and someone else that is reading it can relate/give helpful advice. ive been put on a care plan through my GP so hopefully i can book an appointment for a pysch first thing Monday morning

[Doolhof]

Hi crazy32,

It is great you were able to participate in the sport event, even if you felt like you were not joining in 100 percent, you were there! That is an excellent achievement!

I'd like to recommend you read some of the self help resource material on Beyondblue web site. The section about supporting someone with depression maybe beneficial for your wife and yourself to look at and work through together.

Although you don't feel like doing stuff with your wife right now, just going through the motions will help even if you don't feel it in you heart, mind and soul.

Are you working today? If not, can you go out somewhere with your wife. Your mind is probably saying stuff like "Yer right! What the heck do I want to do that for. It will be a disaster. I don't want to go anywhere. I am feeling too miserable to go out. I'm going to hate it. My wife is going to hate it. It won't be the same as last week when I enjoyed doing those things. "

The first thing to do is to tell your mind to be quiet! You can change your thoughts. Yes, you may very well still be feeling very depressed, but that does not have to stop you from going out and doing something together. Once you are on your way, you might start to enjoy yourself more.

The alternative is to stay home and allow those awful thoughts to continue to spiral and drive you nuts. I know which I prefer to do! It takes some effort, but it is worth it.

Congratulations on getting a Care Plan, all the best with making an appointment.

You are more than welcome to chat here for as long as you like or need to. Please don't feel like there is an expiry date here as that is not the case.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Doolhof]

Good Morning Everyone,

I'd like to welcome you all to join in this conversation to help crazy32 with his depression and the situation he finds himself in.

I'm sure, that like me and crazy32, there are many of us who have relapses and find them difficult to cope with. Do any of you have suggestions on how to help overcome the disappointment of finding yourself in a place you hoped you wouldn't be again?

How about ideas on how to suggest partners help you during this time?

My husband will offer to make me a cup of tea, will buy me chocolate, and occasionally offers to drive me to the beach...where he sits in the pub while I go for a walk. At least we are both happy that way I guess.

Psychologists and self help books offer various ways to stop those thoughts from spiralling as well. One book I read suggested putting the negative thoughts to the tune of a song. I felt like I was going a bit too loopy when I tried that one. For others it may work well.

All suggestions are greatly appreciated. Some people like to stare into the flame of a candle and find that relaxing. Different things for different people.

Cheers all from Dools