Struggling in the mornings

[Lovedmum]

Hi I’m new here, not so new to this dreaded depression though. Not sure why I get this but I can’t seem to get out of this black hole in the mornings. All I do is cry and drag myself around the house to do the odd job. I just increased my medication so hopefully it’ll kick in soon. I have everything to live for, beautiful kids, lovely family and two gorgeous dogs but do you think I can drag myself out of this blackness? What the hell is wrong with me!!! Sorry to be a whinger, but really struggling.

[Croix]

Dear Lovedmum~

The first thing I saw was you lending encouragement and support to Polarbear96. You have not only just popped in a post here but have been reading, trying to get a handle on your situation plus helping aothers. That says a lot about you.

One of the big traps I've found when I've been right down is the habit of judging myself by everyday standards, where getting up, going to work, dealing with bills and all the rest is pretty much everyday life.

So when getting up becomes a major victory it is easy so discount -to say so what? But it is a victory, as are those odd jobs. When under the influence of illness such actions have to be seen in perspective.

Having a great family and all the things others might think make for a good life is sadly nothing to do with it. Depression and anxiety are illnesses and can strike anyone, irrespective of circumstances.

As for being a whinger, no that is simply undeserved. Humans need contact, preferably with those that have the experience to understand, and your post is simply that. I'm glad you have come here.

I suspect from the advice you gave you already have a pretty good idea of the direction to take, persevering, getting medical support, adjusting meds to suit circumstances and so on.

Do you mind if I ask what support you have, is your hubby understanding for instance? Trying to cope in isolation can be very hard

Croix

[Lovedmum]

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for your reply, i'm brought to tears with your kind words. Im usually such a strong person with fantastic mediation skills (mum of four boys) i think that's why i feel so useless and ashamed when I have these relapses of depression. I know my boys all love me and just want me to be ok though.

My husband has recently been very supportive, however he is away at the moment. I don't like burdening my family with this because I am usually so grounded. I work in a caring role in a prison ( on hols at the moment thank god) and I love seeing my patient's improve, both mentally and physically, so why can't I just get it together???

I'm so scared of waking up again and having to get through the day, waiting to feel a bit better by the afternoon (like everyone else probably on this site), its exhausting. Really looking forward to getting back to my old self that's for sure. Fingers crossed I get back on track soon!!

Thanks so much for your support Croix, it was lovely receiving your post, very comforting.

[Croix]

Dear Lovedmum~

I'm glad my post helped, it simply means I understand from my own life.

Waking up to face a day can be frightening, it colors the evening, makes sleep not restful and comes around all too soon. When faced with this I've tried to promise myself a reward, even if it would not normally fit in a day's schedule. One of my favorites is to read. I actually can end up re-reading books that have had a good effect, I end up looking forward to those times, helps to defeat the morning.

So is there anything you can use like that? A favorite TV program on DVD or streaming, a walk with a pet, doing something with one of your children if your interests coincide?

Working in a prison environment is important, services are far too few. However it does take a toll. I'm still uncomfortable from the visits I made years ago as part of my duties. Do you have any thoughts about its long-term effect on you?

As for why you can't fix yourself, well I think you are, it is just that it is slower than you would like (tell me about it:), and the condition does tend to blind one to the progress that is actually being made.

Sometimes family members are not only stronger and more capable than one might think, but actually benefit from being able to help - I know in the past I have.

You will be back on track

Croix

[Lovedmum]

Dear Croix

You're probably right, I should re-think about the long term effects of nursing in the prison, it does take it out of you. I have a love of reading too, so will definitely try to sit in the sun tomorrow and have a nice read (hopefully without blubbering throughout it). It's amazing how the chemicals in your brain can be so muddled up!

Thanks for the chat Croix, it's nice to know that others have been through this and have managed to come out the other side. People like yourself and this site are invaluable, especially for people living in isolation.

Goodnight and may you always have peace,

Lovedmum

[Doolhof]

Hi Lovedmum,

Hope you don't mind me joining in here! I see that Croix has offered you some wonderful support and suggestions.

I have a thread here called DEPRESSION- fight it or embrace it. My journey this year with my mental health issues has been quite traumatic at times to say the least.

Reading helps me too as does being out in the garden, going for a drive, taking myself to a local café or to the movies.

It can be rough when the first thoughts in the morning are telling you that you have no idea how to get through the day.

I try to make plans in my mind for the day. Getting up and having a shower and putting on clean clothes is a great start for me. When I have done that I think about breakfast. One thing at a time. If I try to think how I am going to fill the whole day I may fall in a heap and be overwhelmed.

It helps me to make a list of things I would like to do and things I believe I need to do. I may do one of those things on my list or all of them. Either way, what ever I achieve is a bonus.

Sometimes I do need to push myself hard to achieve anything. Even if that achievement is reading a few pages in a book. Like Croix mentioned, it is all relevant.

Hope you are able to plan something nice for yourself today, it may be sitting in the garden with a cup of tea and a magazine. On tough days looking at pictures can be so much easier and more pleasant than trying to read.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Lovedmum~

The idea of a 'tour of duty' applies to all sorts of things and does recognize the fact that most humans only have so much to give before adverse effects start to mount. I would think working in correctional institutions could be seen in that light. While some can continue indefinitely for others a limited time with a planned end might be beneficial.

I know the weight that was lifted when I ceased my occupation was incalculable.

If you cry whilst reading - so what? I've done that too, disconcerting, even embarrassing, and for me at the start crying was so alien as to be frightening, however the mental escape though fiction was -at least for me - worth it. As Mrs Dools says there are always pictures if the text is blurred.

There are all sorts of books, and most libraries will let you download eBooks without leaving home, anything from fiction to manga.

Mrs Dool's thread is at:

Forums / Long term support over the journey / DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

and is exceedingly popular (you can tell from the number of pages). If you get the chance have a browse.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Lovedmum, I am really just sorry you are being dragged through with this illness, and I'm sure being a nurse in a prison would not be the nicest job, besides this, you would be well and truly capable of finding another job, however, you are carrying the black dog around with you, I know how awful that feeling was.

It's distressing to know that even though you have a beautiful family and 2 dogs, depression will penetrate anything, nothing can stop the onslaught of it happening, but we can once we get treatment and take medication, I think that's what's so annoying, why do we get it, I don't know the answer to that, although there are certain reasons explaining the fact why we can get it.

I think it's the heaviness we feel once we wake up, and even sleeping 10 hours makes no difference, we feel as if we haven't slept at all.

Being on holidays may sound to be great, but as the time progresses and your holidays are ending, then the impact of depression begins to gather pace if you have it.

I would be looking in the papers for another job if you feel as though you can manage that, but please can you definitely see your GP, because even though you're a nurse, you need someone else to help you get out of this hole.

I really wish the very best and please let us know.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi LovedMum,

Hope you are doing okay. Tears can be embarrassing but they are healing too!

Hi Croix,

Thanks for sharing the link to my thread. I do not do the technical stuff very well! Ha. Ha.

Cheers from Dools