Strategies to help me cope emotionally with my adult daughter with mental health and suicidal ideation.

[ladybird22]

Hi there

Not sure if I'm in the right place, but maybe someone can refer me to some help please.

For the past 10 years I've been in a type of "grieving" state of living. My daughter in her 40's is at rock bottom. She had a good husband, child, home and much to look forward to, then she went off the rails.

She was always a sensitive loving child and I've noticed over the years she has struggled to fit into the world, first I noticed she became addicted to "OTC medications:..

Her life spiralled downwards quickly and over 10 years later she has lost basically everything including her child. She is being evicted from her rental & so will be homeless. She doesn't have a car and unfortunately has addictions.. She has had suicide attempts a few years ago and is struggling with that again. 

I've tried everything over the years to help her, but have had to stop as I can't do any more as I was just enabling her.

She has a number of mental illnesses but for some reason unknown to me hasn't been able to access the help she badly needs.

The reason I'm writing here is I'm deteriorating as its breaking my heart as I'm now totally helpless and have to watch her become homeless in winter..

Not sure how I can get through this myself, any ideas?

[Sophie_M]

Dear ladybird22,

  Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members. This is a safe space to share and express your own feelings, struggles and experiences without judgement.

Regards

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

Hello.

I read your post and can sense the heartbreak in wanting to look after your daughter when she needs it most?

In saying that, I am unsure what stage your daughter is in re wanting help?

Now if you are genuinely concerned about her current state and based on her actions I wonder if you are able to access any mental health services in your state to get them to evaluate your daughter.

Does she have anyone to talk to about what she is going through?

But this post and reply is also about you. It sounds like you are also struggling at this time and worrying about your daughter. This would be normal anyone in your position I think. Well, I would be worried as well! And if you are unwell it would make it harder to be able to help your daughter.

So I wonder if what support you might have at this time?

Beyond blue also has web pages on supporting someone which you might be interested in looking at.

And if you want to chat...

Regards,

[ladybird22]

Thanks Sophie and Smallwolf

Thank you for replying and would you please advise me of where I can find the information on how to support someone on Beyond Blue?

I'm doing my best to support here, but there's a fine line between rescuing someone and supporting them.

I've phoned so many places over the years to give her to follow up and she's had so many opportunities to reach out and take the steps to move forward but it doesn't seem to help. She starts the process but somehow doesn't follow through. Getting help is a process and unfortunately she can't just walk in somewhere or phone the right people to get help. It's a process, appointments and many delays because there are so many people like her trying to get help also.

Because she has mental health issues often she isn't strong enough to do what she's supposed to do.

By trying to help her help herself in the process parts of myself have become empty. I'm no longer a "half cup full "person, I now feel like an empty cup.

So I need to find my own strategies to be able to care for her (from a distance) and know my boundaries.

If she becomes homeless, which is inevitable, I don't feel comfortable to take her in..She has had and probably still does have drug issues and regardless of how much I love her I cannot and will not expose myself to drugs in my home. It's not her that is evil it's the drugs.

Very sad situation, but im wondering whether she really has hit rock bottom yet? It's up to her to push for the help she needs, but the system us under the pump.

I just need to care for myself firstly and find the Beyond Blue a bit of a confusing maize and not sure how to find pages to read re: supporting someone else..

[Forrest]

Hi ladybird 22. I know you're looking for information and I hope someone can provide it soon. I wish it could be me but when I tried to look it up for you I got overwhelmed myself and had to back up. But can I just at least say how sorry I am for what you and your daughter are going through, I do not envy your situation! Well done for reaching out, I hope things will get clearer and easier with time and support. ❤️

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ladybird22

Just dropping in with this link to some articles we have that might be helpful 🙂

Supporting others

Thanks!
Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi ladybird22,

I am so sorry to hear what your self and your daughter are going through.

I understand that addiction of any kind is absolutely heartbreaking to watch especially if you are the loved ones family.

It is a very hard situation to be in it really is.

Ok, you are your daughters mum the addiction isn’t yours to have it’s your daughters.

I would say to you firstly look after you because you need to remain strong for yourself,your daughter and family.

Please keep doing things that you enjoy doing, stay social with your friends.

Take up a hobby.

Your daughter is the only one who needs to step back and be made aware of what she is doing and the impacts it’s having on her.

Your daughter can save herself but it has to come from her wanting to.

People with addictions can intervene with them and live a normal life…. Again this has to come from them wanting it.

Some people with addiction can find themselves in trouble with the law this can from having an addiction and what the addiction does to them. Sometimes it can wake them up.

If your daughter needs some inspiration she can google Kyle Quilly Quilausing he was a addict and now he has reached redemption.

Im really sorry again that you are going through this, addiction is a horrible thing to witness.

I really hope that your daughter can become aware and receive the help she needs to recover.

[Mrs Bean]

Hi ladybird22,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, and what you are going through.

It must be hard going to weather the tough times and storms through the days, months, and years, and you must find it hard sometimes remembering who you are and being yourself!

Sensitivity in people is a delicate issue, I think. Sometimes it’s hard to know why someone is upset or can’t cope with life in general, and can’t find the help that they need.

I think personally that one of the challenges in seeking mental health help, is that the counsellor or psychologist doesn’t say that they want to be in it for the long-term, or have a structured plan over weeks and months to reach certain goals or milestones. I think people can be left hanging, to act on the advice however the follow up is up to them.. A lot of counsellor’s say “let me know if you need another session”, which is not very helpful when you’re the one needing the support, help and guidance.

Is there someone your daughter can work with longer-term? I recommend a Mental Health Care Plan from a GP because it gives the counsellor more than one session to get to know the story at hand.

With your situation, is there a friend at a similar age to you that you can have fun with and just enjoy time out together? Watching a movie or going for a walk? Coffees and doughnuts?

Sometimes you just need a good laugh! Otherwise life would get us down a fair bit of the time. I burnt my favourite chopping board on the hot plate a few weeks ago.. I was devastated! I ended up laughing at the perfect hot plate imprinted into it, charcoaled nicely into the wood grain.

Have you also thought about your ‘bucket list’? Where are the places you have always wanted to go, and what are the things you’ve always wanted to do? Can you make connections that way, through looking into some of these ideas and options?

I hope that your daughter finds some housing for her though a support group or government group.

Maybe you just need to remember the special things about your daughter, and know that you’ve done the best that you can, and continue to be a friend and mother where you can. We are adults, and have to take responsibility for our own lives and decisions, and I hope your daughter can find the right environment for her to feel safe and secure.

Wishing you all the luck in the World with yourself and your daughter.

Kind regards,

Mrs Bean

[ladybird22]

Thank you petal 22..

I'm trying very hard to keep my spirits up as much as I can by walking, being mindful of my eating & distracting my thoughts from being "unhelpful"...

I think for me it's keeping busy & trying to keep on top of things Hard to do when inwardly my stomach is churning just waiting for the next negative phone text or call.

I know it's her problem and not mine however I'm really feeling her pain as she's very much like her mum, unlike my other children. It's like my left arm is dying 😞

I need to keep hearing posts on looking after myself & also praying because know it's out of my hands.

Thankyou

[Petal22]

That’s ok ladybird22 😊

In regards to the comment I made that the addiction isn’t yours what I meant to say was sometimes when our loved one is in a lot of pain through addiction we can sometimes take on that same pain inside ourselves….. which isn’t helpful for us…..

Sometimes we can start acting like the addict in terms of their anxiety and pain that sometimes we tend to withdraw from the outside world through the stress we feel.

Sometimes we internalise it in terms of what could have we done to intervene earlier?

But the truth is that the person who is on that path is going to do what they are going to do anyway we just need to be able to stand strong so we can support other family members, the addict and ourselves.

We can still support our loved ones without taking on their pain.

Please keep looking after yourself, have you ever tried meditation?

I believe that our children are always our children and we love them unconditionally no matter what I understand how you must be feeling inside it would be gut wrenching.

Have you looked into any medical interventions for your daughter? So she no longer graves the drugs?

Im glad that you are already doing things to help yourself.

Praying is great it will also help to renew your mind in a positive way……

You may be interested also in looking up Kyle…….. he prayed a lot and now he thanks God for redemption.