Step-parenting and unresponsive spouse

[LoraB]

Hi,
I am currently in a relationship with my partner of 4 years and as of Jan 2020 his 2 kids from a previous relationship had decided they wanted to live with us, and my biological 4yr old son. Their decision.
Backstory...Their biological mother is a heroine addict and very neglecting.
Recently from the approval from their father, they have been able to spend time with their mother through DCP arranged and supervised visits.
That's when the 11yrold girl has started acting out towards me. Saying very abusive curse words and lashing out. But only towards me. When her father is there though, nothing. Not a peep from her. We get along really well usually. But as soon as he leaves all she'll break loose with no prompting from myself or the other two boys.
I have been told by my partners 12yr old boy, that his mother is behind it but I don't know if I believe that or not I'm not sure.
She is violent towards my 4yr old. She writes disturbing letters of hatred to me and leaves them around so ill find them. She also tells me I've said horrible things towards her mother, which I have not, and throws things.
If anyone is called to help me, ie grandparents, she plays victim and lies to them that I started it.
I just want her to like me, and it's getting so hard, me and my partner have thought about separating.
Its all recent behaviour.
I know she is sad and confused, but she made the decision that living with her mum was toxic and also dangerous for them.
I would like some insight into why she is lashing out at me and my son, and no one else.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome LoraB,

Thank you for reaching out here today. We're so sorry to hear that you're in this difficult situation. It sounds like you have only the best intentions and we can understand why her behaviour would be confusing. Please know that you're not alone in this and there is support available to you.

You might be interested in getting in touch with Parent Line. Talking to a Parentline counsellor can help you navigate difficult parenting dilemmas - https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/how-parentline-can-help-you

It may also be worth getting in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Thanks for reaching out here. Please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going.
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm very experienced with step parenting. Twice I've been one and one partner a step parent to my children.

This particular step daughter imo needs extra attention from you in the form of an activity. This will help break down the barriers.

You could do- paint by numbers, watch Harry Potter movies, cook donuts etc.

Patience is the key. I think her issues are complex, full of resentment for not having a stable mother and sub consciously seeing you as her intruder. Your husband is the meat between the sandwich. A video recorded just after he leaves might help.

As Sophie said, counseling would be very beneficial.

TonyWK