Perhaps I could use a few people to talk to?

[RationalDave]

Hi All, new here, located in Melbourne, kind of new to openly discussing mental health too in fact. 🙂

Avoiding a long story I'll introduce myself like this; middle aged, wife and two kids, reasonable career in technology and struggled with mental health most of my life. There. That should do it. 😄

More seriously, I've probably suffered ADHD and Depression most of my life but in recent years my marriage and career have suffered, blame the mid-life crisis I does. Being treated again for the fourth time (bouts of depression and treatment, or 'time') and hoping to strike the right balance. Fourth time's the charm, or something?

Up to this point my mother has been the only person who really understands what's going on because she suffers too. Everyone else around me nods politely and has no idea, so I stopped talking about it for a long time. Last year my son was diagnosed with ADHD and i worry that he'll suffer the same way I did without the right support and guidance.

As an aside it's been a funny old week. On Monday I was approached about a new role at work, awesome, and this morning I was in a car accident (not my fault fortunately) and I spent the morning sitting at home coming down from the adrenaline. You might say this was the final nudge I needed to join up.

So, here I am, looking to improve my mental well-being and arm myself and my family with some tools to keep us all in good shape. Looking forward to talking with you all.

Hi! *waves*

[BballJ]

Hi RationalDave,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for joining and sharing your story, it is never easy but it is another step you are taking to try and get better and that is great.

I have spoken to many people on these forums and I really enjoyed how you put your first post together, it all made sense and one thing I actually picked up on is that you seem quite positive, which is great. Personally, I have battled anxiety, OCD & depression for a long time. I joined these forums to seek support for that and ended up staying around to speak to any and everyone about mental health because it just doesn't get spoken about much. It is great you are also here for your family too.

Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about or discuss? Or go into more detail about yourself?

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[quirkywords]

Hello Rational Dave,

I welcomeylu to the forums too.

What a great first post. I got a sense of you that you are practical and have a good sense of yourself which includes being serious and having fun.I may be way off the ark just how I read your words.

If you want to talk this is the place to come. There are lots of threads here with interesting topics and on this thread you can post and ask questions.

I am sorry about your accident but glad you decided to post.

I think each time you are treated yo learn different things and different ways to cope next time.

Thanks again for joining the forum

Take care

Quirky.

[CMF]

Hi Dave and welcome,

sorry to hear about your accident, I do hope you are ok. I understand you worrying about your son but I think you're winning already because YOU understand it.

how old are your children? I noticed you said 'middle aged'. What is middle aged these days? 🙂

Look forward to chatting more. You have an air of positivity.

Cmf

[geoff]

hi Dave, sometimes it takes great courage to post your first post, so welcome to the site.

I certainly hope that you are OK after your accident, even though it is distressing, especially after being given a new role at work.

Once we have had depression of any type it still remains with us, but it won't stop us from being able to get on with life.

I am so pleased you have joined because all of us have been through, or still going through depression and understand everything you are saying.

I have had depression as well as OCD and so does one of my sons, but we didn't know what illness we had as his OCD was diagnosed later in his life, that's when I knew I had the same, at last it was given a name.

Your son will grow up with his own ADHD, but because you have grown up with it you will know exactly how to help him, so please stay with us, we are very happy to talk with you. Geoff.

[RationalDave]

Wow! Thanks everyone for the encouraging responses!

@Jay: You're right, I do make a particular effort to try and find the positive in a situation. I'd like to think that without all the darkness I'd be one of those enviably successful people, you know, tall, built, wealthy, healthy... except I'm short, stumpy and probably a heart disease risk. We can try! Honestly I didn't really come to discuss anything in particular. It just occurred to me that it might be helpful to talk to folks who actually understand. Hey, if I can help someone else all the better.

@quirkywords: Thanks! You've pretty well hit the nail on the head there actually. I've spent a lot of mental effort on reflection over the years so I have a fair handle on my state of mind at any given moment and make an effort to objectively view my interactions with people. 'Is that how a normal person would act?' If the answer is no, am I really OK? Do I need to seek help? As I see it my mother was 40 when she realised she needed help, I was 20 when I realised, so I got a big head start - and with a much younger mind - on the generation before me. If I can impart that wisdom on my children before they reach adulthood they're going to be much better off again.

The car accident wasn't serious, just an inconvenience really. No one was hurt so in the grand scheme it's insignificant. You're right about the different treatments teaching you things too. For instance when I was taking SSRIs I turned into an unpleasantly arrogant person according to my wife. I didn't see it that way at all, I was merely more outspoken. I had all the same thought processes, but suddenly felt like I didn't need to keep them to myself anymore. And so I learned that the ability to filter your thoughts effectively and carefully decide what actions to take are key skills to maintaining relationships, regardless of whether it's with a spouse, brother, friend, colleague or random shop assistant. The medication removed the layer of inhibition and the layer of modesty I usually wear. Still learning....

[RationalDave]

@CMF: That's the plan, of course, to do it just a bit better than the generation before me. With luck my children and grandchildren will grow up with a very different view of the world. My son is ten, my daughter eight. Middle aged is a state of being to me, not really an age per se. Own my home, children who are maturing, a dash of wisdom and experience and some respect from the younger generation make you middle aged in my view. But, for reference I'm 41 and positive. 🙂

@geoff: Thanks for your thoughts, I agree it's definitely something that will be with me forever. There's no getting away from the way depression has shaped my life, marriage, career, everything.

I certainly sympathise with your late diagnosis too, I was never actually diagnosed with ADHD, but it's perfectly clear to me now that if today's tests were applied to me when I was 9-10 year old I'd have been medicated in a heartbeat!

Having just completed an adult assessment for ADHD I'm told that I'm borderline, however, thirty-odd years of working out ways to get around your own faults has to have an impact on the assessment. Do I regularly forget things? Well, no, never, because I takes copious notes. Do I have trouble completing tasks? Absolutely not, by virtue of the discipline instilled in me by my parents and 30-odd years of practice.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the 'easy way out' type, but I do wonder if my life would have been very different if I was diagnosed earlier in life. On the other hand, would I have the skills to deal with the tough times if it had all been much easier in the first place?

Whenever I strike something difficult I recite my little personal mantra; "Persistence through Perseverance". Just keep moving, pushing, fighting until it gets done. If life had come easy maybe my mantra would have been "Kick-back and drink Pina Coladas" instead. Perhaps I'm better off this way. 🙂

Anyway, thanks again everyone for the replies, it's clear I've come to the right place. Having read over a few threads I'm certainly seeing a clear relationship to my own struggle. I'll be sure to write some more about my journey.

Dave.

[BballJ]

Hi RationalDave,

I just want to say, your outlook and writing is nothing short of amazing. It is great to read. Look forward to more of your story when you want to share it.

My best,

Jay

[RationalDave]

Thanks Jay.

I have to say, the more content I read here the clearer it becomes that I'm actually in a very different place to a lot of folks. It seems a large portion of people really are taking first steps on this forum and looking for a path to help and treatment. Of course, there's an air of despondency to a degree as well. I've been seeking treatment on and off for twenty years already so I have quite a few tools in my belt.

I really do have to congratulate the members who are constantly responding to the plea for help. It's kind of hard to really remember just how tough my first steps were, but it would certainly be that much tougher without good people like you to connect with. Well done all!

Alright, so a little more about me then. You could say I come from a long family history of depression. My grandmother had the classic symptoms, though growing up during WWII there was little choice but to tough it out. I can still hear her saying "You 'ave ta' pull ya'self up by ya' socks, David!" in her thick Yorkshire ascent. I suppose that mentality still carries through to me.

Mum reckons hers started as post-natal depression and never really got better, which may go some way to explaining why I'm an only child. Of course, in the 70's and 80's mental health wasn't really on people's radar, so she suffered badly for the good part of 20 years. And, while I certainly wouldn't characterise my childhood as bad by any means, it's fair to say that I don't have a great wealth of happy memories from it either. Mum was upset a lot of the time and it rubbed off.

Up to that point my own challenges were mostly external and I was still full of youthful good spirits, but by the age of 18 after a relationship started heading south, things started really turning. Academic performance (tertiary) fell, interest in social gathering declined and I found myself relying on external crutches to keep going; hobbies, games, self-centred activities mostly. A couple of years later my parents divorce and my relationship failed, followed by a job change that turned out badly... yeah, that was a bad time. Fortunately mum was getting treatment and we help each other.

To be continued...

[RationalDave]

...

Floundering through early adulthood I didn't really achieve much, until at the age of 22 I landed a role with a company that recognised my skills and gave me real career potential. This was the thing to change my outlook, awesome work, great people, new skills and challenges, it was real fun. This is when I met my now wife and fell in love. But, only 4 months later the company had to let half it's workforce go, my grandmother passed, my only paternal cousin was killed in an accident at the age of 15. My world collapsed.

Here begins the familiar tale of lost enthusiasm, numbness, isolation, utter hopelessness. It mattered not at all that the woman who would later become my wife saw the best of me and chose to stick with me, because I was utterly without hope. The future held nothing but darkness and misery. I imagined my life like a man wondering in a field wearing a blindfold, the ground pockmarked with holes metres wide and deep, stumble into one hole, claw your way out, stumble into another... why bother? Can someone just fill in my present hole and be done with it please?

So I went to see the GP and pleaded for help. Initially I saw a psychologist and things improved a bit. I got back on my feat, financial security, we bought our first home and got married. However, things at work were not all roses and I never really regained the old me again. Various treatments and years went by without me ever really getting back to normal. Things were OK, but a long way from great and I became slowly more isolated from friends and family, lost interest in work and hobbies. Things very slowly deteriorated over the course of a decade.

Since then It's been a more active search for effective treatment trying to find the right balance of medication, cognitive self-therapy, family, friends and interests. It's been a violent ride and it was only three years ago I was at my lowest, not leaving the house, no work, no motivation, no communication.

Right now I'm going reasonably well. I am, however, quite sure that I'll face more challenges in the future.