parents expectations + school

[kiwi5678]

hey guys

just a brief description about me- im in year 12, 17 years old and a pakistani female. ive lived in australia for nearly my whole life.

i just joined this in hopes that it would make me a tad bit better, especially since i get very nervous when i talk face to face about my problems. ive been having issues with prioritising myself over others and whenever i feel like i care too much about the other person, i end up getting too hurt way quickly. whenever i tell this to my mum she always tells me to keep my chin up high and focus on myself but no matter how much i try i cant.

ive been too involved within meeting societies expectations, that i feel that i have caused my friends and family to further develop more expectations to do well in my relationship with them and in studies (when it comes to parents). i try to do well at school, but i end up disappointing myself and my family with scores averaging 50-60% considering the fact that they are doctors and engineers.

i guess i also feel pressured in this way to do well because of my family history of such good professions, and if i were to do terrible and get a bad atar, i would be a misfit which would cause a lot of gossip between my family friends (eg "look at her, her parents kept telling us she was going to do engineering but look how she embarrased them, what a shame etc"). it just feels so wrong for me to do the subjects that im doing now because in the back of my head, all im thinking about is what people will think and that im only doing these vce subjects for the people around me, not myself. i dont feel ANY happiness or hope about the future when i study. i feel nothing. numb.

sometimes i would just freeze up, stare at my work and cry because i didnt want to do this. im doing this to make my parents happy.

dont get me wrong- i love them i really do. but it hurts knowing that its too late to tell them how i feel about this since im already in year 12.

i guess in the end, whatever happens, happens. i just want them to understand that my wellbeing is more important than an atar which will only matter for 2 years.

ok- this kind of helped me to articulate what im feeling right now and i hope you guys understand where im coming from, i hope it wasnt too confusing. if it was hard to understand, its totally fine, at least i found a way to share my problems.

thanks. all love.

[socialmoth]

Hi kiwi5678, welcome to the forum.

I'm very sorry to hear that you feel this pressure and expectation. That is a lot to carry on your shoulders, especially while finishing up high school.

The one thing to keep in mind is that you're the only person in your life who can make you happy. You need to pave your own path and find fulfillment in yourself without relying on the approval of others. It's a super difficult thing to accomplish, I'm 24 and have only realised it recently, so it's going to take me a while to really embody this self fulfillment.

I'm glad to hear that writing on this forum has helped you articulate your feelings and please never hesitate to reach out if you need some help or someone to talk to. We're here for you 🙂

[motivation]

Hello kiwi #5678

How to put this...

Having had a close situation to yours, not quite the same but almost, I feel that I need to pass on my experiences to you.

Dot points because there is no particular order to this...

• I'm sure you've told yourself this or heard it from a friend, but I think its hard to really believe it sometimes from the inside. Its easy to forget as soon as doubt enters your mind anyway... but getting to the point ... its much MORE likely that your parents love you unconditionally. Especially if they are as smart as you say they are. You're clearly proud of them which means you love them. But I put it to you that you love them because they also love you back and not because they are engineers and doctors. At the end of the day there are a lot of engineers and doctors out there, but they aren't YOUR parents. If they are religious or not, I bet they close their eyes and night and wish for you to be happy all the time.
• Number 2 -- it may be embarrassing to you to talk to your parents about this (because the truth is, all kids go through this embarrassment of talking to their parents to some degree. Parents will make us cringe with the awkward terrible attempts they make! But... now as a parent on the other side I hear myself saying the same things and wanting to slap my forehead when I hear myself say them. Then again they are things that can't go unsaid. Parents will always feel corny -especially ones that like yours that you are proud of- because the love they have for you feels un-real and yet it is real. Sooo... (getting to the point again)...IF your ATAR is actually important to you, don't wait. Reach out now and tell them this exact thing that you are feeling. Maybe rewrite what you have written here as a letter to them. I bet they would love to know more of the real you so they can help you achieve what you are looking for. And if your ATAR is not important to you then just know that that is OKAY too. ATAR is only one pathway towards a few doors. But there are other just as important and equally satisfying pathways you could take if something calls to you- If it does, please let us know - then we can offer career advice. Good career advice can sometimes cheer you up just like anything else when it helps you find your way forward.
• "in the end whatever happens happens-just want them to understand my wellbeing is more important than an atar which only matter for 2 years" .. is so true. And its easy for parents to not see the pressure