Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[therising]

Hi all 🙂

Ems, I wish to thank you for reminding me of how important focus is. With you focusing on aspects of nature, I feel like I'd forgotten nature even existed in these recent months. How strange is that, to forget nature exists? With my focus being pulled in so many different directions, such things have triggered so many different aspects of me and what I describe as a 'group meeting' in my head has become so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. The pessimist, the struggling optimist, the planner, the sage, the financial manager, the child, the people pleaser, the intolerant fiery part of me, the loving and grieving daughter and so many more facets fracture my focus into dozens of pieces as each demands my attention. With you mentioning your garden, I felt a sense of peace for the first time in a long time. Thank you for the reminder, to return (turn again) to nature and the gifts it offers, including a sense of peace and calm focus. You have given to me what 100 psychologists could perhaps not offer me, the answer to what is so sorely lacking in my life. You have my deepest and most sincere gratitude. ❤️

TrueSeeker and amd1953, while exploring the idea that each person we meet holds a mirror up to us, I believe each person offers us the gift of self reflection. So, to each and every person, we could say in our mind 'Who do I see or what do I see in myself when I meet with you?'. With one person, we could say 'What I see in myself is a person who radiates confidence, self love and possibility', with another we could say 'What I see in myself is someone who allows themself to be degraded and led to self doubt'. While I can resent the person who holds the second mirror (a degrading person), I have learned recently that it is more about giving thanks to that person for showing me who I am not. In truth, we are not worth less or of lower grade. If we were, a sense of worthlessness would not feel so uncomfortable or painful. What they ultimately reflect is the need for us to find the truth, we are worth far more that we imagine.

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Lovely to hear from you again.   I am happy to know that you are still making your way through this world but equally sorry to hear that you are not well.   As for feeling lonely, I think that this is a lonely life for some of us.  Those of us who are susceptible to the deeper avenues of thought and feeling than the majority who are focused elsewhere.   I have to confess that I am never lonely now because I have grown used to my own company.   One only has to read Schopenhauer's Counsels and Maxims Section 9 to appreciate the value of a retreat to solitude.

He observed that, the more time we spend with ourselves alone means less time spent with those who do not and do not want to understand us. 

All I have to do to prevent myself feeling sorry for myself is to recall the way I have been treated in the past.   I would rather be alone than be with people who have respect for nothing.   Not that I expect anything from anyone.  I am well past that line of thinking.   

If I sound content and settled, then I am lucky to feel like that sometimes but not always.   As with anyone else, I have good days and bad days.   It is always difficult to know which it will be.   Often, they are mixed days with mood swings and emotional turmoil.   All I can do is live through those days and come out the other side feeling as if I have learned something valuable about myself.   I like to imagine myself deep in the heart of my monastery where I can delve into the mysteries of the universe without interruption or distraction.   Certainly not a religious commitment.   More of a spiritual quest for something tremendous.   If we ignore the negativity we can concentrate on the positive.   People and events fade silently away where they belong.  

I try to ensure that I work on one of my many projects each day.   It gives me motivation and focus.   You are lucky to have your beautiful garden and to commune with the natural world.   

Every day, I tell myself that no matter how I feel or what I do, everything will be fine.   How can it be any other way?

amd1953   

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

External validation has never been a problem for me.   I have never looked to anyone else to confirm my own self-worth.   I am as worthy or worthless as I allow myself to be.   It doesn't matter at all if anyone else approves of me, my actions or my thoughts.   They can censure me and condemn me but the right to truth will always prevail.   There will always be discord, and we have to live in hope that it will be balanced by harmony.   We could possibly dream a perfect life but that is as far as it can go.   As Schopenhauer said, society demands mutual accommodation and restraint upon its members.  We all know what is right and wrong.   Whichever path we choose, we must also assume responsibility for our actions.   We are all laws to ourselves whether we like it or not.   Self-regulation is always a product of self-reflection.   Not everyone will agree but then I do not expect them to.   Sam Harris once said that of course we have free will.   What choice do we have?   Well, we have the choice to choose between good or evil.   I'm getting a little off-track here, but I can return to my opening sentence by claiming that I don't think approval from anyone is the answer to how we see ourselves.   In Desiderata, it states that there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.   I don't wake up each morning and wonder how I can prove how valuable or wonderful I am.   There is no one else to impress and why would I feel the need to?   If happiness emanates from within us, then it should be used to validate our own existence for ourselves.   

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd

'Self-regulation is always a product of self-refelction', so true and so wise. It often puzzles me as to how some people don't feel the need to reflect on themself. Whether they are joyful or in pain, either way there is the opportunity to question 'What brings me joy and why?' or 'What brings me pain and why?', so that we can conjure more of that joyful feeling while also getting to the bottom of what the pain is all about for us. If someone had said to me when I was young 'One of your greatest goals in life is to discover who you naturally are and how you naturally tick' perhaps I would have strived to become more conscious much earlier in the piece. Better late than never, hey.

While coming to better know ourself through times of reflection can offer many revelations, I find that the revelations can not only come at the end of a self development period, they can also precede what we suspect is going to involve some more hard work. So, up another level we go, as forever evolving graduates of life. At 55, I've just discovered how truly fearful I am of so much. It blows my mind actually. I had no idea. I suppose this is the problem that can arise when opting for comfort as often as possible. When challenges come along and all scream at once 'THERE IS NO CHOICE BUT TO STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!', life can suddenly become fearful. Whether the call is to regulate the mind (with its internal chatter), the nervous system or something else, the challenge remains to rise while discovering what facets of self are longing to lead the way.   

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

When I was a young child, I was indoctrinated with the theory that I should never focus on my own needs or wishes above everyone else.   Being selfish was the ultimate act of dissent.   As a result, I turned into a person that had no willpower to drive myself forward to realise my dreams.   It was only decades later that I realised every other person was ensuring their own future by being or doing whatever they wanted regardless of what anyone else thought or said.   Looking back now to those times, I was provided with no positive guidelines to help me live a good life.   I had to find out by being pushed in the deep end of the pool and feeling completely out of my depth.   The saying that you have to crawl before you can walk rings true with this situation.   You have to learn how to float before you can swim.   I shake my head when I think of all of the negative feedback I was given when I was younger by people who either should have known better or just didn't care.   In other words, I had no idea how to live.   I just drifted along hoping that whatever I did would just work out for me.   We should be around good role models when we are children so that we can build our lives on solid foundations.   I hear the song in my head, but I never learn the words.   As far as I know, we only have one life, and we don't get a dress rehearsal to prepare for whatever is coming our way.   Maturity is defined by experience and emotional commitment.   I cannot remember a time when I did not find life confusing, especially my own.   I had to wait 65.5 years before i was free from the yoke of social demands and expectations.   I have paid my dues many times over.   This is my time now and I aim to make the most of the time I have left.

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd

It's so strange, hey, how we can think that life is something we automatically should know how to do. If we don't know how to do it/live it, then we begin to question 'What's wrong with me?'. When looking at ourself as an apprentice of life, it becomes so much clearer that we need to begin looking to people who have some sense of mastery. When looking at ourself as 'feelers' or 'sensitives' is also becomes so much clearer that we're meant to be feeling or sensing our way through life in various ways to various degrees. I should add that being able to sense when to switch off our ability to feel can be an important part of self mastery. Can definitely serve the nervous system at times. All easier said than done, knowing how to find the most impactful masters and knowing how to sense or feel at any given time. Unless we have mastered every aspect of life and ourself, we can remain confused and struggling apprentices in certain areas.

I must say that I have returned from a couple of weeks overseas now more confused than ever. While the trip (which was partly a mission) ended one part of my life, now I face a whole new path or phase. The mission my sister I and I undertook involved fulfilling our mum's wishes to have her ashes scattered in Paris. So many mixed emotions, including deeply soulful ones. It was an overall fulfilling and wonderful shared adventure. Now, how to return (turn again) to a life that demands great changes be made? Of course, they don't have to come all at once but the question remains 'How to change life one step at a time?' or 'How to walk a new path one step at a time?'. How to think, how to feel, how to come to life in new ways etc, I feel like an awkward baby learning to toddle before I can confidently walk. It is the strangest feeling I have ever felt. Perhaps it's because I have never felt the pull of 'reformation' to such a great degree. The feeling of significant reformation, a whole new feeling or set of emotions to have woken up to. I've heard it said before that an altered state of consciousness/awareness is not an easy thing to manage because it involves the waking up process before becoming fully conscious. 

Full consciousness is not an easy thing to gain. Yes, it can be preceded by a process we may struggle with but as long as we hold the thought in mind 'This 'haziness' is leading up to great forms of awakening', we have much to look forward to. Waking up to our true self and what that is and waking up to what life is calling us to do is definitely quite the process. Waking up together is so much easier than waking up alone. We are all in this together, the business of coming to life 🤗

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

I always have to hold my breath when this kind of discussion starts.   I do that so I can collect my own thoughts on the topic or situation.   I am usually tempted to throw all caution to the wind and jump in at the deep end.   Probably not a good place to be if you can't swim.   However, moving on.   Descartes produced his famous "I think, therefore, I am".   I like to reverse it and claim that I am, therefore, I think.   Descartes' little gem is interpreted as proof that someone is alive if they can think.   A novel idea really.   I have no problem deciding that I am well and truly alive.   Even my dreams are based on reality sometimes although I can seldom successfully understand them.   Are they warnings or summaries?   I regard them as extensions of reality.      If I think about them too much, I find myself wishing that I had not.   The quiet of the night echoes around me like so many dusty unvisited rooms in a great mansion.   I dare not open their doors for fear of what I might find in them.    An attic is like a mind where great ideas go to hide amongst the savagery of the day.   I have to smile, otherwise I would cry myself to sleep with thoughts of what I should have done rather than what I could have done.   When I was a child, I have no recollection of being taught or even learning anything that could have helped me along the way.   That is why I hated the school experience so much.   Perhaps, in the future, people will be implanted with a chip that contains everything they need to know in order to be successful.   Surely survival is instinctive!   My parents were not really in a position to be able to pass anything of value on to me at all.   There should be a clause in any matrimonial contract that both parents will take an interest in their offspring, no matter what.   How would that be accepted?   I shudder to think about it.   

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

'I am, therefor I think', I like that and can relate. I am a lover and collector of concepts that I can relate to. Whether certain concepts can be proven as truth or fact doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is that we can work with them and they can work for us in some way. For example, I like the concept that I am a soul in a body with a brain at work (aka 'a mind'). As a soul, how do I pull the strings to get this body to do exactly what I want it to do? How am I being challenged to better understand and master this mind that I have as a resource? If this body is dysfunctional, how am I to make it more functional? If this mind is defeating me in some way, how do I become its master, as opposed to suffering through not knowing exactly how it ticks? I am (a soul) with a mindful ability. I am (a soul in some body) there for I have the ability to move it and feel through it. How am I going to use my ability to feel through this body that I'm in? Whether I'm a soul or not doesn't matter, what matters is that the concept serves me (which it does in many ways).

Dreams are definitely fascinating things. I had the strangest nightmare last night. While wondering what it could possibly have been about (exploring its cryptic nature), a great mind altering revelation came to me. It was much needed at this time in my life, in regard to the way forward. In an altered state of consciousness, some bizarre form or extension of reality, dreams can be of service at times. At other times they tend to be of nonsense, perhaps a clearing out the the day's rubbish. 'Lucid dreaming' is a fascinating topic. While it's not one I've explored in any significant way, it would definitely be a fun way to naturally participate with an altered state of consciousness without any form of drugs/hallucinogens.

Parents, hmmm. I do wonder about some. I believe the greatest lesson a parent can learn is that their child or children are their teachers in many ways. If a parent is not willing to learn, typically their child or children will suffer to some degree. For example, a child may aim to teach a parent of their carelessness through the words 'You don't care about me'. The parent may choose to remain ignorant while responding with 'I put a roof over your head, I pay for your education, I clothe you and feed you etc. Never say I don't care', this is a low bar when it comes to defining what it means to truly care. If what that child hears from their parent every single time they feel and express some form of neglect or injustice is 'I don't care. Don't talk back, you'll do as your told', they're ignoring the lesson that the child is trying to teach. When the parent becomes the student, they question 'How am I not caring and how can I become more careful and open minded?'.

I am not a great fan of the education system. While it can be filled with a lot of helpful stuff, it fails to serve on many levels. Why are there so many mental health issues in society today, so many physical conditions in the world today which people suffer through, so many lost souls, so many issues overall? The education system has a captive audience for at least 6 hours a day yet it fails to teach us about how we work as human beings. The greatest lessons and most desperately needed ones are typically not taught in school. And if parents cannot teach what they do not know (how it is that we tick on so many levels), how does a young person come to truly know and master themself? As adults, we may come to seek some form of guidance and education out of sheer desperation, so as to cease suffering through a long term lack of self understanding. 'Tis a strange world we live in. 🙂

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

A strange world indeed!   Truer words were never spoken.   I often think that it's a pity we only get one mortal life.   If we had a few of them, we could probably learn enough to attain perfection by the end of them.   That would keep everyone happy.   Or would it?   That conversational topic might just open Pandora's Box.   It would also be interesting to be able to pick who and what we want to be.   A sort of designer label in reincarnation.   It would allow us to experience the full spectrum of human existence.   This time, I was a white male.   Next time, i would choose to come back as a woman of colour.   Don't take me too literal here, it is 4am in the morning after all.   My mind does tend to wander a little after midnight.   Anyway, where would we be without our imagination to keep us sane?   As for extra lives?   Well, maybe that's not such a good idea after all.   Tis all a bad dream anyway.   Over the last week or so, I have made the truly astounding discovery that I am not very good at putting up bookshelves.   I grew weary of seeing a goodly portion of my library in boxes.   So, I decided to do something about it.   It always seems to take me longer to decide to do something than actually complete the task.   However, nothing has fallen down yet, so that must be a good sign.   In time, I hope to fill up the spare bedroom.   I have always found books very calming with just their presence enough to justify their purchase.   I have read most of them, I only hope I don't run out of time to complete the project of educating myself. 

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

Much like yourself, I truly love books. I admit to being a book purchasing addict. I get so excited about the imagined content of a book, I just have to have it. If I had an endless amount of money, I'd buy more than what I do. Never been much of a reader of novels, more so anything educational. Whether it's a book from the mind of a great poet, a book on how the brain ticks or something more along the lines of developing natural abilities or even super natural ones, I'm in. Whether a poet inspires me to feel in ways I've never felt before (even more deeply), I learn something I never knew about my brain or even if I wish to develop and learn to trust my intuition/inner guide, there is so much information to help ourself to. I regard the ability to read as a blessing.

I bought a book the other day, 'The Untethered Soul', by Michael Singer. I saw him interviewed on a Podcast last week and thought how fascinating his view on life is. I have to know more. At the moment I'm reading a book on developing self-discipline, very much needed right now.

Well done regarding the bookshelves (a home for cherished companions). I join you in the non pro department  in this area. I've done it once and put the outcome down to a lack of practice 😁. While doing something once does not make us a master, it does herald the beginning of a path toward mastery in almost any area of our choosing.

Not sure who or what I'd come back as, if I had my time again. While there have been the odd challenges here and there along the way in this life, I regard it as a good one overall. Wasted in some ways but good nonetheless. At 55, I best get my skates on if I'm going to improve upon it and master it. No matter our age, it's never too late to develop some part/s of ourself. Right through to our last breath, we must continue seeking an education. As you already know, we are here to learn. The question is 'What would we like to learn?'.