Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Moonstruck]

Hello there Emotions...we've never met before. Best wishes for your journey that you don't want to go on....don't we do things we don't want to, a helluva lot? Wonder why? as I am now in the third/final act of my life I wonder if I will ever have the guts to do precisely what I want. apart from breaking the law, deliberately harming others, being cruel to ants and cockroaches etc etc....I doubt it.    It seems when I review my life I have spent it pleasing others in case....in case....in case what?   they won't like me?  something terrible will happen?  I think it's the latter.

my mind isn't working at its best either.  I hate this time of year but at least Christmas Day is over....what a farce.    I loathe the lead up, the day itself .....and reminding myself I can now breathe out...exhale Moonstruck....it's over.   Once again, great to meet you and others on this thread.  ...see  you next time.

[Moonstruck]

Dear Ems....in reading more of this thread I have realised you maybe going through a grieving process just now...sorry I did not notice that before I wrote my first post to you

I am grieving too....still...it' s  been a while and I guess I "should" be"over it" and "moved on".  the most ghastly things anyone can say to me.   the others say nothing which is nearly as bad. No one mentions his name .   I hide my pain and constant suffering well....otherwise what is the alternative?.......sending love.....

[mmMekitty]

Hello Amd & Ems

End the year, & beginning another ... I may well be sleeping through the transition.... arbitry as it is.

I have been thinking about the theme of a stage & a silent performer, a sequally silent audience, which, if I didin't know better might not be there at all ... well, here is a little piece in response to that:

*        On the Stage

All is quiet anticipation,

When an unscripted play begins

Silently the curtain opens to darkness.

The theatre breathes,

Inhaling, exhaling.

The players crouch, frozen to their marks,

Anonymous in their rage,

Audience, unseeing, unhearing,

Asleep in their seats.

The silence is unbroken.

Feelings swelling,

Revealing, unbidden,

Their ageless outrage.

Motionless emotion on the stage

Feels damp like surrender,

Feels calm like peace,

Feels timeless, like the silence

Can never cease.

While they will not write their own lines,

Nor unmask themselves,

Nor stand up straight, to be seen,

& make their voices heard,

All sharpness & angles

To awaken the sleepers,

Including themselves,

Not ever, in this way,

Will this suffering

Find gentle release.

- mmMekitty, December 29 2023

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty & Bravo

I love your response.   An hour and twenty minutes to wait before the midnight hour chimes when I am reading this.

Out with the old and in with the new.   Let us hope that 2024 is new and not a series of repeats.

Best wishes

amd1953

[amd1953]

Good morning Ems26

I hope that you are well and flourishing in this current year of 2024 AD.

I have just purchased another version of The Book of Disquiet on Kindle.   Now I have two translations.   I wonder how many more there are in existence.   To admit that I absolutely love this book would be the understatement of the century.   I am continuing to read the first one but Kindle advises me that I have only read 12% so far.   I am a slow but methodical reader.   I read every letter of every word and every punctuation mark.   I absorb them like a sponge until it all becomes a part of me.   The only problem with translations is that you do not know if it is a true rendering of the original script.   I can see that I shall have to learn Portuguese as a matter of course and necessity.   But it will be a labour of love if I did so.   One of the few times that I could love anything.   But that is another story.   Fiction pampers to the imagination whereas this book was forged from a living soul's desire to be heard among billions of other stories that might never see the light of day or even be read.   How many other great writers have lived in their fortress of isolation and never thought of being published?   How would they know if they had produced something worth reading that they would be willing to share it with the rest of the world?

If we have something to say, then we should probably say it even if no one else is listening.   Even if we are censored to the point of distinction.   The truth is often hidden behind closed doors, but it never dies in isolation.   It may suffer from repetition, but it will always remain inviolable.   Why not promote it!

We all have our stories to tell but do we have the strength to do so?   I think we do, with a resounding yes.   

I wish I was living in the middle of nowhere.   The traffic noise is disruptive and intrusive.   Perhaps a sternly worded letter to the local council will see me thrown into one of my own dungeons in Camelot.   No matter.  Give me a piece of parchment and a goose quill and I shall deliver my message.   

Well, I had better stop right here before I launch myself into space.   So much to say, so little time to say it.

May your darkest hours be your brightest and may your lowest point be your greatest.

Another Mindful Direction 1953

[mmMekitty]

Hello Amd, & Ems, too.

In my own little world, things aren't really so bad, not wonderful, for sure, but could, as I often say, 'could be worse'. Same goes for the wider world.

Amd, would you prefer the dungeon & it's quietude, to the intrusively noisy & smelly world along with the fence, garden & the trees you have to yourself? If it's only noise from beyond the fence, then why not ear plugs, or have music to play into ear buds? Smells are another irritant I've yet to have an answer for.

I have thought I'd like to live in a cave, in one of the mining towns, maybe, if only I could drive my own transport... even a horse... but their bigness scares me anyway.

Thinking of you, Ems, sending you special hugzies.

Hugzies, to you, too, Amd

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Supplement

I have just been listening to the John Denver song 'Some Days are Diamonds'.   It is interesting how triggers can send you off on a tangent when thoughts collide.   The memories come flooding back and you find yourself reliving everything that you have been trying to forget for decades.   Bad memories assault good ones and you have to wait patiently while they slug it out with each other.  You hope and pray that good will overcome evil but sometimes justice has a mind of its own.   Of course, truth is a similar problem in that sometimes it is very difficult to find it in a world so politically correct.   I try to stay away from knowing anything at all about what is going on in the world.   Ignorance is bliss and it ought to stay that way.   

Whenever I feel in need of a little inspiration and uplift of spirit, I take out an old sepia photograph that was taken in the mid-fifties.   The photograph was taken on board a ship returning to England from Australia.   Two of the passengers were my mother and myself.   The photograph was taken of me by my mother.   I think I would have been about four or five at the time.   The photograph shows me sitting on one of the storage lockers for the lifebelts.   I am completely oblivious of the camera because I am concentrating on writing in a book.   No surprises there.   I like the photo because it is completely free from care or fear.   I had my whole life in front of me but I didn't know it yet.   If I could build a time machine and go back to that moment in time, I would have warned myself about what was about to come my way.   But I suppose at that time of life, I may not have taken much notice of any such warnings or advice.   As long as I had a pen and a book in my hand, I was happy.   But the main point of going back to this photo when I feel the need to, is that I may not have had the successful life that I had dreamed of, but I have survived everything that has been thrown at me since that photo was taken.   Other than that, nothing else matters at all.

amd 1953

[Emotions26]

Dear friend, amd1953

I am not in a good way as more has happened.

I have written a response in another area as relates to narcissistic people and such.

I am still waiting to see if will be accepted.

I am hoping that it is not too upsetting.

Accordingly I am not intending to write of such here.

Your love of books I relate so strongly to.  I just love looking at them at times. The memories flood back.

Your sepia photograph reminded me of my family photographs.  I much prefer them actually to glossy rectangles that ensued. We always had photo albums that could be shared rarely depending with whom.

That is not the same as looking at a computer.

However when they are able to be seen on the wider television screen for those who are clever enough to do so that is wonderful.  Some people now have projectors viewing on blank walls.  My dad always had a projector and separate mobile screen. I still have many of the slides somewhere. 

I will respond to your last two letters when in a better state of mind.

I have received an invitation to another event this time not interstate.

Take care

Catch you outside the cafe in the square eating freshly baked croissants watching passersby.

Ems

Please keep writing to me if you feel up to it.

[Emotions26]

Hello Moonstruck

Yes I am grieving, ongoing. Backlog and more to come.

Please don't tell yourself that you should be over it or have moved on.

Grief does not work that way.

There is no time frame. It is different for you as this is your grief as it is different for others.

I will say his name out loud for you now.  Did you hear me quietly speak his name as I reminded you how important he will always be for you.

Alternative to hiding pain.

I talk to my cat   my plants   birds in my garden   I see butterflies and they represent those whom I have lost. I talk to them

I write down my feelings

I have written them letters

I change what I do so that my love and memories will always be with me. They are mine.

You can write to me here if your choose.

I am a mess at the moment but will read your words. Think about that when you send them.

Ems will read my words.

I will get back to you when I can.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMekitty

Your prose is interesting

I feel as though I would be intruding on that performance if I was to respond.

So I will leave it there untouched, awaiting others to read

Ems