Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

'He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.'   (Scaramouche) Rafael Sabatini.

Every time I read that opening sentence from the novel, it brings a smile to my face.   I like my assumptions qualified.   The world is indeed madder than I thought.   But then, how could it be any different?   The world is as I see it and much to my own invention.   It is a mindful construction with all of the good things and missing the bad.

If I had a real world of my own, there would not be another soul in it.   That sounds selfish and I am not that at all.   I donate regularly to a range of charities, and I don't harass my neighbours.   Let's just say that I am an existentialist and anything else I choose to be.   I love to explore the absurdities of this Shakespearean tragicomedy that we partake of every day.   Shylock, Macbeth or Hamlet.   I have played many roles in my time and none wiser than the rear end of a horse.   Oh yes, and I played Noah's wife when I was at primary school.  I remember bringing the house down when I chased the mice with a cardboard carving knife.   I did see myself as a very young Laurence Olivier!   Alas, my acting career was terminated when I received no offers to play any major roles on Broadway.   The critics said my Punchinello was a very wooden performance.     I have never forgiven them. 🙂

All the world's a stage!

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

To be able to laugh at the world and ourself at times is a gift. It can save us from going truly insane. I've also found it can save one from becoming deeply depressed. It was some years ago when what came to mind for me was 'While I have my own version of inner sanity, just as others have their own version of inner sanity, to each other we may appear insane'. If my version of inner sanity serves me and does no harm, call me mad. I don't mind in the slightest 😁

'All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.' While Shakespeare simply suggests seven ages, the complexity of those ages or stages in life can be great. The roles we play and how we think and act or behave can definitely be shaped by other players. While I have often been a player following directions (from others) throughout life, at 55 I feel the call to be a director in this masterpiece called 'Life'. While following directions from others comes with it's own challenges, including mental health challenges, being the overall director is a form of next level creation. I should add that while I cannot direct or force another to 'Stand there and behave like this...', I can direct myself to 'Exit, stage left' if I do not like the scene I'm in. How we direct the next scene becomes key...

'Here, she enters the scene and sits in quite solitude, reflecting on all that brings her joy. It is a moment of bliss where she falls in love with herself as she comes to know her soul as her greatest companion'. There is nothing wrong with self focus and time alone. The greatest and most liberating moments in life can be experienced on our own.

You lead me to laughter, imagining a highly innovative child who manages to combine the story of Noah with the story of something along the lines of 3 blind mice. See how they run 😂. And your amusing reference to Punchinello leads me to think of a book I bought for my kids when they were little, 'You Are Special', by Max Lucado. While this is a Punchinello of a very different nature from the original Punchinello, the story brings to life the challenges of living in a judgemental world. In the world of the Wemmicks, were 'beautiful' or 'successful' Wemmicks all stick gold stars on each other and grey dots on those who don't measure up, Punchinello meets a Wemmick full of joy (one who the stars and dots just don't stick to). Punchinello comes to understand why, while also coming to accept himself and love himself in the process. It's a truly beautiful book.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

There was a time, not so long ago, when I regarded myself as a cross between Frank Spencer and Victor Meldrew with a healthy dose of Mr. Bean, thrown in for good measure.   These days, I no longer flatter myself in such an obtuse manner.   In other words, I now see myself as me and nothing else.   However, being the imperfect human being that I profess to be, I am always open to expanding my horizons by a millimeter or two.   Nothing outlandish, you understand.   Just subtle improvements that can add very nicely to my quality of life.   I can't think of any at the moment but then it is almost 5am.   Being alone has always figured prominently in my earlier life.   Even when surrounded by people, I would just sit and think my way through it all.   One of my favourite methods of escape was imagining that I was Robinson Crusoe.   A book I have read many times over the decades.   I would truly love to be on a deserted tropical island by myself.   That would be the zenith of my beachcombing career.   I certainly wouldn't be trying to build a raft to escape from it.   It's all in the mind and what a wonderful place to be.   Reality, for me at least, is an annoyance I do not handle well at all. 🙂   It will soon be dawn as I can hear the birds clearing their throats.

Take Care

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Well so sorry amd

I have not been well

I logged in and sense of direction or should I say lack of directed me elsewhere.

I will be back as I truly want to reply to you

Ems

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd,

It has been so long, too long and for that I am so sorry.

I have been really struggling and not found any words to write to you.

I did read a couple of your posts on and off.

You have company here and that I am relieved to see.

Your conversations are unlike those we shared and I do not want to interrupt as my words will not flow in response to what I read here.

I can pick out random comments that sound familiar.

It does make sense as you are a person who responds to each writer and therefore it would not be the same.

That is how I am and hence notice the difference.

I wish you well and comfort in your day to day thoughts.

Take care and remember me every now and then

Ciao

Ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Yes, it has been a while since I last read something from you but then you are free to do whatever is the best thing for you.   I think that I will always be here in one form or another.   I do think about you all the time.   Far more than you could probably imagine.   It is satisfying to talk to other people on this forum, especially as I have no other human contact at all.   However, there is a special place for someone who has endured my incessant chatter for so long.   We are all different souls so our conversations would rarely be the same.   We should all rejoice in our authenticity and uniqueness.

I feel the cold this morning (Monday 13/10/2025)   I keep my Daikin on all the time now due to the medication I am required to take.   I feel every rise and fall in the temperature.   My senses are extremely well evolved.   Far from perfect and never wanting to be.   I find satisfaction in the fact that I am no better or worse than I ought to be.  Perfection is for young people to consider as age dims the light of getting better than we have the right to be.

It is all a futile exercise in heroics and imagination.   Social constraints have reduced me to a non-entity anyway.

If it was not for my own stoic resolve, I should succumb to the pressure to behave and conform.   This will never happen as long as I continue to draw breath.   

I need light now on everything I do.   I have two desk lamps on each end of my computer desk which should tell you something about my failing eyesight.   I have also noticed that my attention span is also affected.   Reading for longer than ten minutes now assaults me with the most horrible headaches.   I wish that I already knew everything I need to know.   I doubt whether that is feasible.   Nietzsche suggests that we all have the power to become better versions of ourselves.   I am beginning to question these ideas.   The amount of effort required would prove to be insupportable. 

My sleep patterns no longer exist.   I find myself asleep and awake at the weirdest of times.   I try to get as much done as I can before the black cloud hovers over me and I have to bury myself in the doona.   It is a price that a nobody like me has to pay.   I have much more to say but I cannot bring myself to say it.

Annually Monthly Daily 1359

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd

Annual Monthly Daily 1359 (Fond memories of receiving and returning codes)

I am pleased to read that you will always be here in one form or another.

Your writings here helped me far more than You can imagine.  

Your response touched my soul knowing that someone is thinking of me so much. This surprised me greatly which tells you more about how I too see myself as being invisible at times.

I think that gift, aside from all else reached us both from the start. 

I can only speak for myself of course. I know that I set extremely high standards for myself which in the past led me to believe that my self esteem was low. I now realise that it is no longer low and my self confidence is actually healthy. My high standards are the hidden perpetrator within my mind.

I feel honoured to hold a special place. As for incessant chatter; I have not read a single word of that. More so delightful at times; intriguing at others.  Words put together that are poetic and resonate a gift that you possess.

Possibly a lifetime of disappointment and criticism from others disguises this from your mind.

I have discovered myself that this world is full of people ready to jump to conclusions; pass judgement; scorn and criticise others without even hearing a single word expressed. Let them pass by and face their own inner quandaries.

When you begin to question Nietzsche does this come about as a result of what I have written above?

Our mind has programmed thinking. Far easier to hear the voice inside without praise. 

I wish for you to pass through that now as you have carried this long enough.  You are far more worthy than most people I know. Please try to focus on you in this moment. The past cannot reach you in this moment.

You are here in the now as I write, as you read.

It saddens me to read that your eyesight is diminishing and leaving you with such dreadful headaches. I hope that you find a way to relieve the intensity.

Sleep! Hmm! I can vaguely remember that from years ago. I tell myself “get up” and distract my thinking. I am attempting to reassure you that sleep deprivation is common sadly. One day  at a time!

Sleep deprivation does bring on the "black cloud" or the dreaded "d" as I refer to what is for me just “nothing there”. 

amd  Admirable meaningful dances 

You are most definitely not a nobody  

I am sorry about length. Hard to reply briefly after so long.  Perhaps read it over several days.

Take care and only write short pieces in response to eliminate those dreadful headaches.

I have also attempted to space paragraphs out hopefully easing the reading for you.  I hope that this will be accepted when reviewed.  Vision issues can be helped with more spacing. 

every moment sensed  

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I think that the main drawback with trying to be what everyone else wants is the fact that you lose most of your own identity.   For someone who has been able to discover exactly who they were at an early age or at least have the confidence to have faith in themselves has a marked advantage over those who are still struggling beyond retirement age.   I still struggle to understand most things.   People are my biggest problem when I have to deal with them face to face.   It is because I never know how quickly the interaction is going to deteriorate.   When they do snap, I am always challenged to establish whether they are just having a bad day or if there is some mental health issue going on.   This is the main reason I stay right away from people as much as I can.   Of course, the exception is the Beyond Blue forums.   So far, I think I have only upset one person when I wished everyone a merry Christmas.   It seems to be true that being pleasant and friendly to anyone has its exhaustion point.   For both parties.   I just can't handle it anymore because every external interaction takes another slice right out of me.

I just think it's better to be alone than endure the negative vibes of upsetting someone else.   It makes me sound like a real softie, which I am.   Hypersensitive to just about everything has turned me into a nervous wreck at times.   Imagine 65.5 years of that!   For me, retirement came just in time because it allowed me to reduce my own footprint on a very indifferent universe.   

Anonymously Making Donations 3591

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd

I believe that I spent so much of my energy attempting to be someone who was not me for many years.

I did not know until I was nearly 30 that I had a major mental illness. "Major D" back in those days and has changed names several times since. I do not bother with labels.

Thankfully I had changed doctors and he recognised the signs in my body language, facial expression and or lack of; blank expression possibly. He was very kind and gently told me " someone your age should smile more often" so I want to refer you to a specialist for further investigation and there is nothing to fear".  Thank goodness that I did not listen to my work associates who all seemed to have it all together. They had told me that he was weird. Yes he was different. Hence a magnet for me. They were so wrong.

This referral was the beginning of a journey for me to explore me with professional help. I finally had someone who was intrigued by me and wanted to know more about me.  It was quite a struggle coming to terms with such a concept. I do possess persistence; determination; curiosity and many ongoing questions.

My life took a turn.  Many bumps, curves, challenges but for the first time in my life I started to feel something inside that was momentous. I could not recognise that feeling at the time. I now believe that I was feeling the beginnings of a "me" for the first time. It has been a long, eventful journey.

I have not emulated others ever. In fact I was considered difficult with several teachers when they tried to overpower and control me.

I had just not found my way and I had found two people whom I could trust, my doctor and then my psychoanalyst.

I focus on myself now and my responses; reactions to certain people.

Generally the other person is either not good at communication; rude; disrespectful; ignorant; frequently self absorbed as well as distracted. Occasionally I find a friendly, cheerful soul and always thank them and let them know how helpful and polite they were.

I think that the digital world has much to answer for.

Progress in some areas and leaps backwards in communication.

Even this form, whilst wonderful for those of us who seek answers, friendships in a place without judgement; there is still incomplete communication.

Emails, text messages are even minimised to emoticons. Little love hearts jumping at me. Lost it's true meaning.

Then I am a different generation.

People walking around staring at their phone even whilst walking out in beautiful nature. Sitting opposite one another whilst dining out,  looking at their phones.  

So in a long winded way...........

I do not think that it is you amd who has the problem.

Society has changed so much. Smiling at someone now can induce a smile in another, if likeminded or a glare.

Understanding people; even therapists do not fully understand their patients. Families do not fully always understand each other. Human beings are complex and unique.

People who have bad days and take it out on others within a working area either need further training or are not suited to their role.

Everyone and everything is rushed it seems and I feel many people just wing it. 

I think that you are looking after you, in avoiding people who vex you. This is my course of action these days.

Wishing people a merry Christmas is a lovely gesture and if others respond negatively ; reassure yourself that they have issues not you. 

I am highly sensitive myself and have heightened sensory perception. Great in some ways and a nightmare at others.  I feel at times that I am too emotional and then I tell myself that at least I feel. Many people are not used to seeing emotions being displayed or expressed and possibly feel helpless.

I do not openly  express my feelings intentionally.

Some people want to fix everyone. This can lead them to feel frustrated.

It is very hard to work out what another person is actually feeling and what they think so best we not waste time with our imaginings.

You have your retirement and have every right to pursue and enjoy your interests as YOU please.

I have a fascination with numbers if you would like to explore that with me.

Why not have a break from discussing people and society. They can be so draining can't they.

Even misty senses

Ciao

Ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I am more than happy to discuss anything and everything with you, but I still think that we should not lose sight of our own need to "air" our thoughts and experiences.   This format is such a wonderful opportunity to present ourselves but still remain anonymous.   It is possible to help people who find themselves in the same or similar predicaments or situations.   For example, just lately, I have experienced substantial mood swings that have never occurred before.   I find these both scary and interesting because one minute I am happy and then suddenly, a thought pops into my head which has the power to reduce me to a very negative frame of mind.   I find that I am in a place where I am neither happy nor unhappy and I have to consciously haul myself out of the hole that I am in.   I know that it is only a temporary aberration, but it is a sadness and remoteness that is too obvious to ignore.  I feel that I could do anything if I dropped low enough on the reality scale.   People will always be people, no matter what they think, say or do.   I am always willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, but it is essential to set our own boundaries even if it is to maintain our own sanity.   If we fail to do that then there is no moral compass to guide our own actions through this lifetime.   But as I say, I am willing to engage in any topic with anyone.   Every one of us experiences a different worldview but ultimately, we are all children of an indifferent universe.   We have no control over other people or events exterior to our own consciousness but what we can do is try to make the world a slightly better place for us all to live in as we progress through life.   It will never be a perfect world where everyone is happy and every wish or dream comes true.   That is just how it is.   Anyway, I have rambled on enough for now.

Ciao Ems

Anxiously Manufactured Dreams 1953