Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

Buon Natale EMS26,

To my dear friend on Beyond Blue.   I wish you the best Christmas possible and hope that you find peace and happiness now and forever.

sei una persona molto speciale

aMd 1953

[mmMekitty]

Hello Amd & Ems & everyone,

Merry Xmas! 😺

I've been eating some cherries, thinking of you Amd, under your tree. I hope the birds leave some cherries for you - or find out what cherry farmers do to protect the cherries, such as the cherries I'm eating?

I don't recall much about the Shakespear plays I've seen. One character does dtand out for me, that of Shylock - I thought he was hilarious!

I was enjoying reading the last half dozen posts, but I was getting a bit lost, especially when the French language words began to appear. Wonder if that gives the moderators a wee headache?

Merry Xmas to the moderators, too!

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMekitty

Orchardists, farmers, gardeners who have fruit trees either make their own netting which is fraught with frustration or these days buy netted frames specifically made to cover fruit, vegetable plantings.

Yes, I imagine that my latest lengthy efforts would be confusing for many reading the odd one.  They were following on in different parts in response to amd's incredible contributions. 

It is hard to respond to  one person, keep everyone else in mind.

Impossible I believe as well as bearing in mind the overall rules and guidelines which are vital.

Particularly  when overwhelmed at time with grief. 

A form of escape from the real world.

I have been told previously that not every single post is moderated individually.

I thought that introducing other languages added another touch in making the letters interesting.

Variety is the spice of life and perhaps the moderators; if reading individual posts; might welcome something novel. There is no breaching of rules or offending; I had thought.

I will bear it in mind for the future and refrain from too much multiculturalism.

Christmas has mixed messages and feelings for many. Even more so in the world at the moment.

I am about to prepare for travel interstate to a funeral and am really  struggling with switching from wearing different hats.  Yesterday, today and tomorrow with different family members. Then off driving.

I hope that whatever makes you happy over the festive season brings you some peace and joy.

Best wishes.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello aMd 1953

I sincerely hope that you feel peace and hope over this period.   I sense that you are able to compartmentalise your days when needing to.  Your writing and vast knowledge of English literature portrays this to me whether I am right or not.

Your replies were very gentle and kind.   I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I believe to play any gender on stage would be a momentous opportunity to not only explore oneself but also feel so free.  I have always loved amateur theatre and the more formal theatre.  I too have wanted to be involved within the world of theatre.  When younger I wanted to be a part of bringing it all together.   The props, the costume selections, the make up , hair styling.   Creating the imagery.  Then as my voice within became stronger I wanted to act on stage.  I have never wanted a main part only ever a supporting role.

Shakespeare would be such an incredible person to exchange conversation with.  Can you imagine?

So many of his plays each so different.  I would love to play so many roles.   Yes I too would love to play the part of a young male.  That is true art in my mind.

This has been a very busy time for me this year.  Stretching myself here there and everywhere.

Sadly I have to prepare to travel interstate for a funeral shortly and unsure how long will be there.

I will probably not be on the internet whilst away.  The person was quite young so I have an open mind as to what will be.

I wish you also, everlasting peace and hope as you very much spread that within your writing.

You have helped me more than you can imagine by giving me room to allow my mind to roam free.

Your stage is very welcoming.

Stay safe and well

Ems

Very weary

[amd1953]

Greetings Ems,

I hope you can soon find some kind of closure.   I know how any loss can drain mentally and physically.   It reminds us how vulnerable we are.

You probably will not want to read a lot of chatter from me when you return so I will spare you that much.

Be strong.

amd1953

[mmMekitty]

Please, Ems, write as you would express yourself. If that means occasional French or other languages, if there is truly a problem with that I'm sure the moderators will let you know. Until then, it'smore important that you feel free to express yourself as suits your needs.

*

It can't be easy being so busy while preparing to travel, for the funeral. When do you find to tend to your own feelings? & I know how incongruent feelings of grief & sadness are when other people are cheerful & bright, & you are expected to put on a happy mask, for what [ to make them feel better? I don't know.

Since, as you say, you would be on the internet very little if any, maybe take extra time to care for yourself. Allow yourself time to feel & acknowledge those feelings. If it helps, write about them, only to yourself for now.

I'll try to look after Amd ... shall I? 

I might eat all the cherries....

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello amd  

I am still in shock stage.    I have two other friends currently in palliative care.  I have far too much loss over the years.   Lost two over the last few weeks.

During my life on this planet I have survived much and am told that I have great inner strength despite having to deal with so much for far too long.

I might sound fragile at times

That is my expressing myself and not sharing my load

I choose to keep the parts of my life where pain has been inflicted on me the most, away from here

I come here to express and share my feelings rather than my experiences

I discuss the deeper pain within my therapy sessions and leave it there

I am not judging those who open up on here as not everyone benefits from therapy and one has to find an exceptional therapist for this support to work.  Takes years.

So I ask you and all reading not to compare me with others or the general population.

I am, have and always will be my own person

Hoping that this explains some of the mystery? perhaps that surrounds me

Tis the best that I can do with this kind of communication

The pile of grief that keeps on growing will slowly dissipate.

Surely I am going to run out of people at some stage

(humour helps me and I can use humour as this is my own grief)

If this offends someone, please do not judge me, just pass on by and allow me my grief

Your heart is always in the right place, amd.

Please do not spare me any of your chatter as you stated.  You keep my mind stimulated.  Your knowledge and underlying humour at times assimilate nourishment when my mind is struggling.

I will always welcome your letters and respond when able.

I say to you not to think of the space of time in between my letters as disinterest   More a time to catch my breath and rest     Nurture myself ready to read any letters sent

I am not good at asking for help only offering mine to others

I appreciate your words and your not judging me

I look forward to continuing the friendship that has grown since first encountering your stage

During my absence here

I will be seated at the table sipping caffe whilst savouring a freshly baked croissant

Wondering if my friend will join me that day to observe life all around

The bluebird  Robin  have been joined by a kookaburra

They should arrive soon

Bye for now  Merely a pause in conversation

Ems

[amd1953]

Greetings Ems26,

I have always regarded you as being a very strong person for the relatively short time that we have communicated on BB.   The sensitive ones are always the people who are judged the most because they wear their hearts on their sleeves and make no secret of their emotions or empathy for other people.   We are all children of our universe in so many different ways.   Those who choose to judge, for whatever reason, are missing out on one of the most fundamental aspects of being human and that is caring about someone other than themselves.   One thing I have learned well is not to hold my grief within for an extended period of time.   Of course, we all need our time to grieve but then we have to let go and move on.   Otherwise, we become lost and bitter and unable to be of help to others or indeed, ourselves.   

I have had a lifetime of pain and suffering in one way or another.   My losses and failures, at times have seemed astronomical, but eventually time heals, and we find solace in the knowledge that there is a limit to our pain if we reach out to someone else when they need us the most.   That is the greatest gift of all and also the greatest tonic that we can take ourselves to heal and survive anything that life throws at us.   It isn't how hard we can make ourselves but how willing we are to bend with the storm when we have to.

I have worked as an aged carer and in disability and it is one of the most rewarding experiences that I have ever had in my life.   It also allows you to understand how reliant and vulnerable people in need of care and support actually are.

Over the decades, I have become a pretty good judge of people based not on their looks or who I think they are but on the way they treat other people around them.   There is almost an aura around them that signifies a good heart and a strong mind.

I don't think anyone would ever want to judge you harshly, Ems.   You have all the hallmarks of being a good person.   Don't ever let anyone else tell you differently.

sei il migliore

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Aw amd

tears now

I am reaching out for others in real life there are just too many at the moment

thank you so much for such beautiful words

I agree with every single one

must go

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

Your working in those roles does not surprise me in the least.  You would be a natural.  In fact you could train others.  Some people have the gift others cannot ever be taught, no matter how much training.

As for your words Don't ever let anyone else tell you differently.

I work hard at not letting their words sink in.

Ems

I hope that my last letter did not upset you. 

You once told me that you can speak to people and upset them without intending to.

That describes me so well.

My intention is quite the opposite.

I think that I might become overwhelmed with feelings to reach someone. The strength of emotions and need to reassure can overwhelm and confuse my response.

Double dutch?  Well classic example really.  I have just presented you with an example of what I was trying to explain.

Might leave it there. My mind is all over the place.

I am packing final few things and then off on a journey I do not really want to go on.

I must pay my respects though.