Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[mmMekitty]

Hello AMD

The one thing I'm sure about is that Anxiety (Depression & many other conditions,) tries to convince us things are worse, going to be worse, are going to end up worse than the actual way things turn out to be on the day. Your experience yesterday demonstrates that to me, once again. I think the more times we experience that reality isn't so terrible as our fears would have us believe, the better we will be able to manage Anxiety, Depression, or anything that tries to bring us down.

So, well done!

Hmm, I wonder how the AEC deals with the fact some people may not get their postal vote pack in time & the reason a voter wanted a postal vote is because they had no way at all of getting to a booth. 

I don't want to interact with my neighbours, either. I find them too difficult, too loud, too rude ... so no thanks.

When it comes to the pains & discomforts I feel, & no, the meds I have don't work as well as I'd like either, I find my distractions useful, to a point, when the pain & discomforts hi-jack my attention. Then get grumpy & need to do something else. Sometimes it means I have to lie down, which is very inconvenient, & I am not 'exercising', not sitting, standing, walking about my flat, doing something, sitting, standing again, etc, but just lying there, maybe going to sleep again.... being more active is healthier by far, but, Oh My Wiskers, it is really uncomfortable.

I think I'd love a small house, on a bit of land, someplace away from people, except for the fact I don't have my own transport & do need support workers to help me, need reliable internet access & other services. I could easily live as a recluse, except for these other needs I have.

My neighbours are way too close.

As my support needs increase, I have to consider living with a support worker, maybe with other people, too.

Inside I am running around looking for a way out.

Can I at least have access to a swimming pool?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

I agree that these mental health issues that plague us draw a veil across our eyes so that we lose sight of what we are capable of.   We don't appreciate what people have to endure to accomplish the simple, everyday tasks.

My postal vote pack arrived today (Tuesday) so obviously wasn't worth pursuing that option.   However, that problem was solved on Saturday so on to the next crisis.   

You said that you find your neighbours too hard to deal with.   I have had dealings with some of mine but they are not nice people at all.   By that I mean untrustworthy, hypocritical and without any empathy whatsoever.   I stay away from all of them for my own sanity.   My meds don't help me either so I just try to cope the best way I can.   I don't even bother going to my doctor anymore because he just doesn't seem to be interested in helping me manage the pain.   There is no fixing the problem, I just have to live with it.   

My house is just ideal for one person which is why I love it so much.   It sits on one block and then I have a spare block to the side of it.   I call it my buffer zone against the rest of the world.   There is an access track to the rear paddock that runs alongside my block and then another vacant block and then a neighbour who I have only spoke half a dozen words to since I moved here in 2009.   Fortunately, I have built up quite an effect screening of small trees and bushes which affords me the privacy that I need.   As I was telling Em26, I have a very tall hedge along the front of the house, so I find it quite perfect.   Although I do love it here, I do occasionally have a yearning to live in the middle of the bush but that is not practical.   I have even thought about moving to Coober Pedy where some of the inhabitants live underground.   Now there, I would be in my element.  Once again though, quite impractical.   But I can dream, can't I?   In reality, I would find it extremely hard to leave this place because it has quite a story behind it as far as my history goes.   In my heart, I know I should be thankful for what I have already.

I wish you luck with your swimming pool. 

Best wishes

AmD1953

[Doolhof]

Hi mmMekitty and all reading,

I resonate with a lot of what you have written here. I wake at 2.30 a.m. and my mind is filled with dread instantly about having to go to work! I am not even there yet and my mind is already catastrophising and playing silly little tricks with my thoughts! I need to accept the thoughts are there, realise they don't actually equal reality and I can let them go.

Wish it was that easy! Ha. Ha.

Neighbours can be "interesting" can't they! We had lovely neighbours in the city, out here in the country they have been down right rude, abusive and horrible. We had new neighbours recently, so when I saw them out in their garden I called over the fence and said hello. They looked at me then went back inside. I tried a couple more times, with the same result. 

I realise not everyone wants to be friends with their neighbours, a simple hello or a smile would have been appreciated. When it is windy, I go around our garden and pick up a bag of rubbish that has blown over from their yard. I send their dog back home when it follows me down the road when I go walking, it is growling and barking at me. 

I spotted another new neighbour recently and crossed the road to say hello, standing back so they didn't think I was going to invade their personal space. This one walked away as well. The previous owner had stated the new people wanted to become connected with the town...maybe not with their neighbours though!

I've tried to make connection with people in the town, it just hasn't happened. I have never felt so isolated and disconnected anywhere I have lived before. 

[Emotions26]

Hello amd,

I have not heard from you for a few weeks.

Thought that I would stop by and say hello.

I will be guided by what happens next.

Sounds like a mystery.

Hello mmme,

I wrote a reply in response to yours; on my monster thread.

I have been absent for a couple of weeks.

Time out.

So the latest topic is neighbours. Well they can be the same as our work colleagues or children who were in our class at school.

Some not very nice at all and to be avoided at all costs.

Some unfriendly and disinterested. These one can try again or just give up.

Some friendly when they want to be. I have many neighbours like this.

Some overly friendly and time consuming.

Some nosey.

Some intruding in our space. This I do not like at all.

I tend to say hello and if continually ignored give up on those.

I do not like standing about gossiping or talking about boring topics either.

The occasional dog walker is good as they eventually need to move.

There is one who passes regularly; quite lonely I feel and I always have a smile and chat. The dog adores me and usually plonks herself on top of my plants in my garden! How can I say anything?!

These days they do not get to me.

I have the most problems with extended family because they can only be avoided up to a limit.

This is tiresome and draining.

Another subject open for discussion

Hello Doolhof,

I am familiar with smaller country, hills people attitudes. They do not like new people.

They have worn me out with my efforts to try to find something in common.

I have come to realise the people with whom I can engage with are also not born and bred here.

They feel the same.

I am in the throes of trying out new ventures further afield.

Enough time on the computer.

Em

[amd1953]

Good morning, Em,

I thought I had written my reply to you but when I checked there was nothing there so I guess I must have imagined writing it.   My apologies.   Hopefully I can make up for it now.   I have so much time to think now and perhaps that is not always a good thing.   Especially when it leads me down the garden path and out to sea.   I am pretty sure there might be a family of fairies residing at the bottom of the garden, but I have always refused to go away with them.   Perhaps I should.   It might be an interesting holiday.   Talking of thinking and writing, I have read some more from The Book of Disquiet and was amazed at how much the author, and I think alike.   Perhaps it is a trait of people who have been subjected to social ostracism in their time.   My time had come and gone, I am afraid, but I still hold out hope for what little atonement I can find.   That is playing on my mind, the fact that I have never been more alone than I am now and yet the world still plays with my mind like a dog with a rag doll.   I think savaged is the correct word here.   There is no way back, Em.   We have no choice but to go forward into whatever future might be awaiting us.   We are all just riders on the storm.   Occasionally, there is a little glimmer of hope but more often than not, that hope is dashed against the rocks.   I have always wanted to be a Wandering Albatross.   What a romantic idea that is.   Just gliding around without a care in the world and dipping into the sea for tea when absolutely essential.   No need to sight land at all.   Or the people on it.   There is the problem right there.   Anything that people don't really understand becomes sacred.   Well, I notice the wafflemeter pointer is sitting in the red zone so I had better finish up here, finish up my first cup of coffee for the day and decide how I will spend the rest of my Friday.   Probably more writing and more thinking.   Oh, how I torture myself!

Until we meet again may the bluebird of perpetual happiness nest in a tree near you.

DMA3591

[Emotions26]

Good morning DMA3591,

Interesting. First response; surely this is not the postcode for where you live. Followed by; don't be silly everything reversed; a style that you introduced I believe. Fun.

I actually went back and read from page 1 before responding to you. Refresh the memory. This leads me to let you know that your apology is accepted though not necessary. I too am very honest; hence the opening question in my reply to you the other day. All is fine. Nothing to be made up if all is fine is there.

Ah; There are fairies at the bottom of the garden brings back memories of childhood tales and quotations from poetry. Wonderful, magical stuff. I  can remember joining them within my daydreaming many a time. Going away on holiday with them might lead to all sorts of mischief. Perhaps on your part also amd as I do believe that you are mischievous at times; in a gentle, fun way. I know that I am.

I looked up Fernando Pessoa and can see why you are drawn to his style. Interesting that he wrote shorter pieces and this has been associated with a less attention span. Depression and anxiety in the background. Makes perfect sense to me. Actually is reassuring to read as I can only write when the words flow from my mind fluently. I struggle to write as a set task.

He is certainly an interesting figure of literature. His looking forward to life after death within the time that he was alive resonating with today's concepts of living in the now. He eventually did become celebrated after he passed. Irony.

Soares? Yes. Fascinating.

You mentioned to longtime wish to be a Wandering Albatross. The Ancient Mariner. I found that poem to be too melancholy. My finely tuned sensitivity has sensors that pick up on melancholy from miles away. I have learnt what to avoid watching and reading.

The albatross itself is a sign that can be foreboding or a means of a warning to keep those in rough seas safe.

I actually had a dream about a bird flying; hovering. I dissected what I  remembered of my dream and the word albatross flew into my mind. I can spend hours exploring my thinking; following where I am being taken to next. I too go off on trips to where? the imagination is a wonderful gift that we have and although mine was tried to be dampened when young with "stop your daydreaming"; I took no notice.

Flying is the one skill I always wanted when asked if you could be granted any skill  what would it be. At first the questioner assuming pilot. My then having to explain myself as I still have to do to this day. No, I mean that I want to have wings and fly like a bird.I did chuckle at the flying around the world without a care and dipping into the sea for tea when absolutely essential. I hated most food and the exercise of eating until  I became an adult. I then found food from other cultures and now have a love for many cultural foods.

I was always in trouble for not complying with what I considered to be a ridiculous expectation. At one school, I spent much time standing in the corner as I loathed my teacher who made us sit still and listen to his boring, melancholic piano playing. So into the corner I was sent. This actually did not upset me. Quite the opposite; I would turn around and look at the class when he was lost in his "unmusical, cat wailing playing". He tried to catch me out but never succeeded. He came to despise me. I sensed that he was a controlling, bully even then not knowing the terminology or that there was such a thing. I am different. My self esteem can waver but my assertiveness I can always find again.

Did I tell you that bluebirds have visited my garden much to my surprise and excitement. The magpies and ravens interchange with who is nesting in the tree. The resident possum watches. My cat is terrified when allowed outside with me at all of the wildlife that enters the garden.

Waffling. Hmm my conversations with self and others probably fit into that category well in the minds of others.

I have drunk my first coffee and will have my second and last shortly. The smell and taste of coffee is a joyous experience that I engage in every day. Helps me get out of bed knowing that awaits me.

eammd 129653  try that one.

Ciao

[amd1953]

Greetings and Salutations E=mc2,

Glad to hear that the bluebirds paid you a visit.   I hope they worked their magic upon you.   I have a lot of different birds visit my garden, but I only catch occasional glimpses of them.   As you know, I seldom venture outside, preferring to leave the wildlife alone as much as possible.   I love to hear the resident blackbirds sing.   They sound so chirpy.   If the weather stays fine today, I will have to go outside to the rear of the house to exact a few home repairs.   Nothing major, juts a patch up job to stop the rain coming in through the top of the kitchen window.   I have been meaning to do it for quite some time.   Not very exciting, I know but these things have to be taken care of.   This is a very old house, so it has to be treated with respect.   After all, I can't have my castle falling down.

I discovered a beautiful picture of an ancient monastery in Italy yesterday on the internet.   As soon as I saw it, I knew that was where I had to be.   Not at all likely that I will go there but I can dream, can't I?   Can you imagine this ageing, hunched figure in a monk's habit, working on an illuminated manuscript in the early evening gloom?   Only a flickering candle to light his way.   What a scene that would make!   I would make that idea come true in the blink of an eye if I could.   I am not particularly religious by nature but the concept of manistic life appeals to me greatly.   For me, it offers a world different to the one I have inhabited.   An escape, if you like, to be even more cut off from the rest of the world than I am now.   The only way to do that would be to take holy orders and take a lifetime vow of silence.   What a pity I have left it all too late.   Anyway, I am feeling so tired that I may have to go back to bed for a few more hours.

Peace be with you my friend.

AmD 1953

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD 1953

I have observed random visits from either one or different bluebirds. This incites happiness in itself. Nature is so incredible and neverending. Perhaps that is where the perpetual part fits.

Einstein; yes I remember studying geometry; maths; physics; latin; english and french not biology throughout schooling. Biology was only in junior school. Your equation sent me off on an inquisitive expedition of reading; as your words often do. This led me to find that Einstein was   born March 14th, 1879, Ulm, Kingdom of Wurttemberg, German Empire.

Apart from his interesting mind and life story, I think that he shared some similar traits to us. I have a strong feeling that he was a sensitive soul as I read that he protested the war and had a strong response to injustices.

The irony is that I visited Ulm in Germany. I went into the tallest church in the world in Ulm. Definitely worth viewing.

I am pleased that you are treating your very old house, your home with respect. Think of all of the history before you. History must be preserved as is just as important as progress in this world which we must have also. My goodness, no your castle must remain fortified.

Then you mentioned an ancient monastery in Italy. There are some beautiful monasteries to  be found there.

I visited Villa Monastero, Varenna which is unusual to say the least as there are remnants of periods, cultures and tastes from different centuries just added to. Eclectic and a great form of a museum where one can view the differences in one building that actually existed as a way of living. Incredible. The Botanic gardens there are stunning also. Again nature has so much history itself along with it's beauty.

I also visited Wiblingen Abbey library which is tucked away inside a historic monastery in Bavaria. Well that was mindblowing to say the least.  The abbey itself was founded in 1093. A slither of the True Cross from the First Crusade was gifted to the abbey. The monastery is still an entire complex despite it's many changes over the centuries.

Yes I can see you absorbed in your writing by the dim light of a candle in centuries gone. You  can travel history of europe and great britain within your dreams. Your writing will grow even more.

I take ages to reply to posts as I go off researching and my mind wanders. I am also easily distracted by the first posts that greet me when I log in.

So I have not really  written much in response and yes I am also tired. I still have symptoms of fatigue from covid that travelled home with me from Europe.

Your body clock has adapted to your busy mind and keeps you up researching; writing.

I hope that you do find some peaceful rest during your sleeping hours.

Yes peace be with you also my friend. Beautiful words aren't they.

I have managed to acquire some geometrical shapes below that I cannot for the life of me erase.

The mind works in mysterious ways doesn't it; speaking of geometry.

Until next time

bye for now

and I found another using the name Em in signing off. So goodbye Em from me

to now become

Ems

[Emotions26]

postscript

On my travels whilst writing my above reply, I discovered Rabindranath Tagore.

Another path to travel down for me to read, read, read.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Yes, back again

The butterfly counts, not months but moments and has time enough

Is that not another opening to discover and explore?

Play on words as I nearly typed moths instead of months.

Will leave you in peace now.

Yes play on words.

Ems