Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD 1953,

Pleasing to read that you had sun trying to break through the cloud cover back on Wednesday.

I am falling behind with my replies. This made me think about your mentioning the triviality of spending too much time on trivia. My immediate response to that is define trivia. A different answer depending on who is asked the question. I am a thinker rather than a person who has a wealth of knowledge containing factual information.

I remember attending a quiz night with great expectations (thank you Charles). I had of course asked what a quiz night meant and received some vague equally confusing; non informative reply. I went along with curiosity. Well curiosity might not have wiped out the cat that night; it certainly took away my enthusiasm and desire to attend again. I deleted the rest of my detailed experiences out of respect for those who find enjoyment in this area. The atmosphere depends greatly on the quiz master's style. Subject matter and mix of people attending. One night that I went to had a fun loving group of people who were there for the company and enjoyment rather than the title of winner.

So in an extremely longwinded answer I too am a thinker. I think about everything and need to take a rest from myself. Hours of the day are lost through thinking. Exit to the garden and the mind whilst immediately relishing the sights; sounds and smells of nature; does not take long to return to a dialogue.

I explore different book websites and find them quite cumbersome and again time consuming. I have found some interesting fictional authors that way. Non fiction would lead me to be on one site all day.

I looked up the authors whom you mentioned. There are some similarities between them. Not all in one area. Several have german or prussian backgrounds. Is that a country and history that you are intrigued by? Life has improved considerably in some areas since that time and sadly drastically declined in others.

Another nice parting repartee of sorts.

I am not quoting your words. I am merely repeating them to help you better understand my ramblings.

I do like

Doubt is the origin of wisdom. Despite the fact that Rene is not fond of those who quote.

Enigmatic mind

[Emotions26]

Nice to meet you, Analysing Mighty Data 1953. I feel that you are very brave to take on such a task.

This reply needs to be short; not sharp; most of all, supportive.

I have run out of time as usual. I have spent far too long wandering off in different directions whilst thinking about what to say.

My mind and body are very tired still.

The first part of your message about those people who are rude is an issue that weighs heavily on sensitive souls in particular those of us where manners are important. Utmost importance is respect.

Those rude people are not familiar with the above concept and or do not have any awareness of the fact that they are being rude; in some situations; not all.  Some are blatantly rude because as ignorant as they are; they  think that they are being smart.

When we grow up with a lifetime of this happening to us it is a natural, human response to believe that we are to blame.

I was one of those who blamed myself. It must be me because it keeps on happening to me.

Wrong.

They will not change and that is fine because you can just avoid them. They do have their own problems which of course they blame everyone else for. They are never in the wrong. The world owes them.

I am sorry to read that you experience panic attacks. They can be debilitating. They are of course different for each of us but equally devastating in some cases.

You could ring Beyond Blue earlier in the day and speak to a counsellor and ask for help with some strategies or breathing exercises.

I hope that you have some strategies in place before you leave the house.

Some brief words from some of your favourite authors that you previously mentioned might help if written on a piece of paper carried in your pocket. Easily accessible.

Other people take something small that again can be slipped into a pocket and touched or turned over as a reminder that you are still you AMD.

Sensitive people generally are comforted by touching something familiar or with a calming texture.

None of this is noticeable to others as the item remains in your pocket unless you are glancing at a note. An everyday occurrence.

Wear a mask which is completely acceptable and a good idea as you do not see many people. Protection from germs as well as a feeling of revealing less of yourself if works for you.

Just wave your hand to the brochure pushers as a gesture of no thank you.

You can take your drivers licence with your current address and full name and photograph with you if you prefer to say little to the person at the desk. You still need to say yes or no to a couple of questions.

The Booth part is probably the easiest part.

I used to work at the polling booths for mainly federal elections and I know that there is a desk for queries which allows you more privacy. Generally there  is a queue there though depending on your electorate.

You probably know all of this already. Sometimes no matter how much we know or how many strategies we have; we just need something there with us.

I do not experience them very often these days. I go out less and see even fewer people.

If you are an early riser get up; get dressed and go. You can be back home before the queue even starts to form. (Never mind about those dishes on the draining board. They will be there waiting for you when you return).

Your friends here will be supporting you also in thought.

Take care

Em motionless

[Emotions26]

MM mme,

So sorry.

I will need to come back to you.

I have spent hours on the computer already and am stiff; in some pain.

Thinking of you still.

Em

[Emotions26]

Postscript

Did I actually write:

This reply needs to be short; not sharp; most of all, supportive.

Well my father did often say

Do as I say; not as I do

I am doing as I am told Dad.

Em

[amd1953]

Greetings Em,

Sound advice as usual.   Thank you, Em.   Sometimes I feel as though I am still transmitting on analog rather than digital.   I was a child of the fifties and I have to confess I still prefer sepia to colour any day of the week.   I have a favourite photograph of myself when I was about four or five and it is in sepia.   It was taken by my mother on the way back to England from Australia circa 1957/58 I'm guessing.   We were both escaping the clutches of my father, but you would not sense the drama to look at the photo.   I am writing in a book.   Now there's a surprise.   I am oblivious to everything around me and you can just make out the absorption and the concentration on my face.   If life had only been that simple, Em.   I should have been a less tortured soul, I know it.   Nothing to fear except fear itself.   I should have been a poet and a philosopher rather than an ageing warrior.   Even Samuel Taylor Coleridge joined the dragoons and had to be bought out by his older brother.   In fact, I have never been the military type in any way, shape or form.   I chose the air force because it was less combative.   I only managed to wear two stripes on my arm in the RAAF and never advanced further than that.   Fourteen long and torturous years of trying to be something I would find impossible and degrading to accomplish.   But that sorry episode of my life is now over thirty years ago with an even sorrier episode as a husband.   What on earth was I thinking?   To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness. (The Importance of Being Earnest).   So, you see, I can never be anything other than what I already am.   So much to do and so little time.   Now then, if I was a timelord, like Doctor Who, I would be impervious to the passage of time and I would also be a witness to the end of time if it ever eventuates.   I'll give us another six billion years before we collide with the Andromeda Galaxy.   I think that will be enough of a wakeup call for humanity.   Or whatever passes for humanity at that time.   I started to watch the remake of the movie Carrie the other day but found it hard going.   I prefer the Sissy Spacek version because I refuse to accept Julianne Moore as the evil mother.   It is probably just as well that I do not possess any telekinetic powers.   However, I would certainly like to experiment on inanimate objects.   Well, my trusty wafflemeter has sounded the alarm so I shall bow gracefully and take my leave.  

amd

[mmMekitty]

Hello AMD & EM

Em, you have offered some good strategies. I carry a little red cat on my cane, (I got it for my Birthday a couple months ago), & it really feels very comforting there, when I hold it, give it's tummy a squeeze & it's head a pat. It reminds me so much of Mekitty, with it's white markings, which I can just see. So, LRC is with me in more than my mind, as am idea of a younger me... it's personally significant.

It you, (anyone reading) like the idea of carrying something with you to focus on or to give you comfort when in any sort of distress, I suggest, find something which has a personal meaning for you.

I hope the postal voter pack arrived in time, but in the event it hasn't, I'll be a supporter of you, as you step outside to go vote.

One of the things I still work on is being mindful of my breathing. When I do, especially when I am anxious, I try to remember how my PDr taught me about breathing.

1. To do it slowly, taking in a breath, deep & slow to a count of four.
2. Hold the breath for a count of four.
3. Breathe out, exhaling slowly, to a count of four.
4. Pause for a count of four.

Then repeat, repeat & repeat.

I sometimes manage a count of three.

He explained that by controlling the pace & depth of our breathing our body's other functions will slow down. That's useful when panicky.

It's good to practice when you are calm. Perhaps, when you want to sleep, or even to stop the thinking for a bit, it can help with that as well as making you better at controlling the unwanted way you feel when the anxiety & panic are trying to take over.

So, like Em's father & mine too, said, "Do as I say, not what I do". - What hypocrisy.

Please, Em, try to not fret over not responding to me. I try to keep up with what is being written here - but it isn't easy, so perhaps I click the support heart, to let you & Amd know I'm reading, supporting & very often thinking, what an intelligent & friendly chat you have here.

When you are sick & in pain, I don't expect you to grind away at the computer. I would rather you were looking after your needs, caring for your good self.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello AmDaNdEm.

Thinking of you today, & wondering:

How was your visit to the polling booth today?

How does your pre-polling day anxiety compare to experience in the reality of today?

How do you feel about how you coped today?

What will be different next time? (I can answer this one - but what I wonder is if you realise what I'm getting at with the question).

& you, Em? Did you have to vote in person? What is it like for you?

I think I'm lucky, in that I could make a phone call to vote, because I'm either blind or work in Antartica (wish I qualified for both). The people working for the AEC are well trained. I call, select to register, then they ensure I am on the role, take note of a PIN I have chosen, then, I receive a code. When I call to vote, I select that option, only give my PIN & code - no info about me, Then someone is there to witness while the person I speak to reads the question out & I give my 'Yes' or 'No' response. That is written on an actual ballot paper, which the witness watches, & watches being folded & placed in a ballot box. (I could hear the paper rustle). & it was done, "Thank you", & 'Thank you, both of you", I said. & that was it. 

I like it. My only problem was finding the phone number to use in the first place. I couldn't even register until Oct 2, either.

I worry a lot about forgetting things, & was thinking I'd forget to register, then forget to vote, but since I wasn't going out on Friday, I decided that was my voting day. I wory if I did it today, the lines might be very busy.

If I make my decisions early enough, I would prefer to vote early. I wasn't seeing anything that would suddenly have me reversing my response to this referendum question.

I sincerely hope you both have had a lovely day today.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

Thank you for your kind thoughts.   Yes, I did make the journey up to the polling station.   I thought better of trying to explain why I didn't vote to the AEC.   I think it was about 11:30am by the time I had walked the two kilometers and there were not as many people milling around as I had expected.   A couple of people handing out how to vote cards and that was about it.   By the time I got inside the building, it was all over before it started.   I had a bit of a panic attack before I set off from home, but I managed to control my nerves by just focusing on what had to be done.   Under the circumstances I think I coped pretty well but it is something that I could well do without.   Not sure how I will cope in the future but I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I thought I had registered for postal voting just before the last Federal Election but when I checked, I had not done so.   Really strange that.   Anyway, I went through the whole process again, so I am registered to be a postal voter, but the voting form didn't make it on time which is why I thought I had better vote in person.   Anyway, all's well that ends well.   I could have jumped in my car and driven up but I haven't used it much for several years, so I don't consider it very reliable at all.   When I walk up to the shops, I hate walking past my neighbours houses.   I don't know why but I just do.   It must be some kind of related phobia, I suppose.   I just put my head down and hurry past.   Makes me feel like some kind of criminal.   I am getting very lazy now as I get older although a lot of it has to do with my back and neck injuries.   The doctor said that nothing can be done about the injuries themselves and that I just have to manage the pain.   I haven't found any medication yet that allows me to effectively do that.   So, I guess it's a case of just putting up with it.   I only hope it doesn't get any worse.   But we can't always have what we want, can we?   I think the anxiety will always be there, ready to rear its ugly head.   I just have to try and cope with it and make a bad situation better if I can.   It is easier just to not leave the house when I don't have to go anywhere.   I love the fact that I can do that now because I don't want to go anywhere anyway.   I love my house more than anything else.   It is my Camelot.   Not that I am a warrior king more like a poet and philosopher.   Retirement has provided me with the best excuse to become reclusive.   But that is what I do so well, and I do love my peace and quiet away from the hustle and bustle.   I couldn't imagine it any other way really.   It is less hassle for me.

Kind regards

AMD1953

[Emotions26]

Hello AmMeandEm

Why not write to myself as well as I talk to myself.

Thrilled to see that you have caught on to the user name shuffle.

Originated by none other than our friend Amd1953.

It was lovely of you to check in on the anxiety side of voting.

I voted earlier in the week at booths set up for certain categories to qualify. I am quite sure that you would qualify Amd however; you would  still be making the journey and mingling with humans. Just far less of them. Although it does sound as though ye Gods were looking down on you as you ventured out. Perhaps a result of all of this writing.

I found some other posts from you and was tempted to respond. I then thought better of that idea. Stay in one place as my offerings might put off others wishing to respond. Important that you meet others on the forum and that you are doing.

I didn't remember Amd that you had returned to England at such a young age and then obviously taken the journey back to Australia later.

We travelled so much when we were young country to country. My father always ahead of us which made it very lonely for me as he was the only family member who seemed to like talking and listening to me occasionally.

 My upbringing was extremely sheltered and very British therefore no display or mention of even affection let alone the word love. No hugs. I introduced those and the love word when I was older. My mother did adapt to hugs along with my sister much later in life. My father was always stiff and I cannot remember hearing the word love. I brought myself up in many aspects. A very lonely life and yes I was also different and constantly told so. I carried all of that for so long which fed my self esteem when young and definitely added to the dreaded "d".

I found my confidence at work as I dealt with clients and loved talking; smiling at them; just helping people. I worked so very hard and was successful as well. I also incurred many experiences of bullying at work at different levels of sublety. All cleverly contrived. Females are the worst. I kept to myself as much as I could and mainly chatted and laughed with the males. This did not help my case at all. I have always got on better with males than females. Perhaps I should have been a male. I relate more easily to them and they relate very easily to me.

Sadly I also incurred a fair amount of sexual harrassment at different stages from different males. I did learn to  stand up to them eventually.

I like my own company but I do also like meeting new people as I am curious. Most disappoint me but it does not stop me from always being friendly and starting conversations.

So I am different. Yes

Now the difference is that I embrace my difference. I realise I get on better with people who are different.

Amd I don't think my saying this will make any difference but I will give you these words as a gift. As with any gift it is up to the receiver as to whether or not they decide to accept.

You are who you are whether you are different or not. Nobody ever has had and ever will have the right to question anything about who you are. There will always be those who  do and they are insecure within themselves. You clearly intrigue them and because of your difference they are the ones who feel less within themselves. Let them. Let them hopefully learn or remain miserable. Whatever.

I  say this to you as I remind myself of these words constantly as I constantly am judged still to this day.

Life. Humans. All living creatures other than humans are much nicer overall. Hmm except snakes.

M and M your cane sounds very comforting as well as intriguing. How lovely to have something so tactile literally close to hand.

I do choose things that mean something as in quotes that I mentioned that I write down. Problem with that is transferring them to other pockets etc.

I thought about keyrings after I read your response. I have one that I bought myself when I went back to the UK. It actually moves within the ring and I can feel shapes on the surface without looking so I might use that as I take my  keys for my car everywhere even when walking.

Your breathing exercises I have been practising and they help up to a point then I find that I start to hold my breath so I stop and try again later.

Are you still able to do some writing with the computer setup that you have now? Can you record your voice and play it back?

What style of writing do you like without exposing any confidentiality.

Well time to move.

Bye for now folks

A m d M M e

E m

Hugs

[mmMekitty]

Hello Em,

I never thought before, but yes, my white cane is a comfort to have in my hand. When I do forget it, I feel so uncomfortable it’s scary.

I have text-to-speech software on my PC. It’s not perfect, but does most of what I want.

I tried recording my voice, but that is not comfortable for me. & for very sound physiological reasons NO-ONE likes to hear their own voice in recordings. Then I’d want to transcribe that to text, with nice punctuation & paragraphs.

If I’m writing prose, I want to indent the first lines of paragraphs.

When writing poetry, I like first line capitalisation, line breaks when I want.

I very much like the very short flash fiction. Suits my short memory span these days anyway.

I’m not interested in fitting within genre types. I most enjoy reading sci-fi & the wonderful Terry Pratchett & also Stephen King has been a favourite since I was 13. I’d very much like to write things like these two men have written.

I wrote the following on Quirky’s thread, so in case you don’t get back there:

It's not possible at this time, but I think that could be a very welcome feature of BB - maybe send a message, to modsupport@beyondblue.org.au

There are also a few threads about suggestions & feedback. I think they are in Introduce yourself, & below, a catagory called: Forums feedback and updates.

However you contact modsupport, I'm sure they will welcome your suggestion.

I 'Follow' some discussions, & have the list of these on my profile page, so I can see if anyone has posted recently, but that list is limited (not sure how many - haven't counted), but it helps.

I like the little blue heart 'support' I can click & then, on your Notifications you'll see that I've supported your post, as I can see when you have supported mine.

I also use the All discussions link at the top of the page, & look to see which threads are being posted on. The list is short on each page, so I have to go to page 2, 3, 4, 5 etc. Little time consuming, because if I look into a thread, then return to All discussions I am back at page 1.

Hugzies

mmMekitty