Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD

You might have to copy and paste my letters.

Then sort them into paragraphs to be read over a week laugh or even chapters.

I write too much and have to consolidate them into one boring block as I easily meet the 5000 letters and punctuation limit.

What is Shakespeare's play again?

Much ado about nothing

I think that he was thinking about my writing when he came up with that title.

Ciao

Em

May the rain sound wonderful on your roof and the sunlight shine optimistically through your windows sending its warmth straight to your heart.

Take care of yourself . You are worth it. Believe it.

Chapter 2

Yes I can tell that you have had little sleep. Why do you wish for life to be different? That would only bring with it other suffering. That is what life does. Why do you wish you were different?    You are AMD or AmD or amd and all of the above. You are interesting. You are you and are your truth.   You have a beautifully incredible mind.  You have a gift as your mind allows you to write. I wish that I could write. I can only write down my thoughts on yet another piece of paper or page of a writing book to be lost. None of it forming anything of interest. All chaos.  It is my mission though to start writing when I learn how.    Today I think that how is as simple as "begin".  Haha.   I do not have the energy now. No matter I have written. I have written to you. Hopefully not nonsensical. Hopefully something of interest will attempt your mind to read back over my words. Hopefully not wasted.   You  see I too can become downcast. I do not want to fall into that further so I stop myself now.      Sometimes I have no choice the D comes. I do climb out find a way to escape yet again.   Do you think by changing yourself that everything (meaning life?) will become clearer?  How boring that would be.

You do not want boring as you are not boring. Curl up on the floor like a cat as long as you are comfortable on a cosy rug near a fire with cushions to support your back and neck remember.  Do you have any pets? Somehow I think not.   Thank you sincerely for your words "Em, I hope you have a lovely and unforgettable day ahead." I read them and in between as genuine and am truly thankful.      I too wish you some peaceful rest and then an awakening where your mind travels in other directions inspiring your writing where you can reap the rewards of satisfaction at such tremendous achievements.

Take care amico   My inner sense of self is with me.  

[Emotions26]

Hello again amD

Confusing you with my letters no doubt.

I had to split them into which I do not think is welcomed understandably.

I also had to condense the first one into a huge block of words that makes reading almost intolerable.

Then next letter is back to front.

I managed to put the last part at the top.

Sigh

Read the last part first.

Then read the first part laugh.

Oh well at least I can send you off on an adventure of a kind when you receive my letter.s

Very similar to my cooking which is scrumptious most of the time I dare say so myself as I experiment.

Therefore never expect to eat the same again no matter how much you love it the first time.

Che sera sera

Tis Em

[Emotions26]

Postscript

This is the second one. Lost the first. Not surprised?

My last posted letter is upside down read the last part first and then the first part last.

An adventure for you.

You never know what you will find with me

Eccentric Em

[amd1953]

Greetings Em26,

I think I must have got all of your letters in sequence because they all made sense as, of course, they always do.   As for my repetitive mumblings about things that I cannot change, please pay them no heed.   I should not write on here when I am suffering from sleep deprivation.   So!   Yesterday I purchased a book online that I think will help me with my forthcoming university studies.   It is called Philosopher of the Heart: The Restless Life of Soren Kierkegaard.   He was a 19th century Danish philosopher and theologian.   I don't much about him which is probably why I purchased the book.   Now I have to wait until next week to receive it.   But it should be worth the wait.   Yet another tome to add to my depleted library.   I was daydreaming today ( as I do) and I imagined that I was living on a small island just off the coast of somewhere or other.   Just close enough to row ashore and purchase essential supplies.   Of course, I was the only one living on the island so for me it was a perfect daydream.   One of those little flights of fancy that I regularly indulge in.   You have a wonderful sense of humour.   I love it.   There should be more silliness in the world but the world, alas, is not ready for such goings on.   Everything is so cold and serious.   I am convinced we need a Ministry of Silly Walks.   I am always ready to embark on another adventure as long as I don't have to leave my home.   No Indiana Jones exploits for me I'm afraid.   Not even when searching for rare cultural artifacts and I just hate whips.   I have just received a notification that you have left me something new to read.   I can actually read it from the email so that is very cool.   

I love this time of night because it is so quiet around here.   All I can hear is the gentle ticking of the clock.   Perfect!   Yes, it would be boring to be someone else.   I see the error of my ways now.   Besides it is far too late to change something that has already happened.   There is probably nothing wrong with me per se but just the accumulation of other people's opinions of me.   Nothing is worth that kind of worry.   Anything is possible given the right set of circumstances.   It is well documented that we are often our own worst enemy.   I can vouch for that theory.   We have enough to contend with already without sabotaging our own progression.   

Meeting a kindred spirit on here was far too much to hope for but as you say, history proves the fact.   It is one of those moments in life when the cosmic tumblers slowly click into place.   I have been to the theatre at least once in my life, I am sad to admit.   It was so long ago that I forget what I saw.   So much to do, so little time!   I have slowed down to a slow walk now instead of rushing on ahead to beat the herd.   Taken a few different pathways too when it was absolutely necessary.   No wonder people are suspicious of me.   I don't blame them.

I think it is time to take my leave because I have started to waffle.

Good night to you.

amd

[amd1953]

Good Morning Em,

Well, I was able to get about five hours of sleep which is certainly an improvement compared to what has been happening before.   I don't think it was a very deep sleep because I tend to dream when it is and I can just remember a little of the dream itself.   Usually I dream that I am running away from something.   I have read somewhere that dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious mind.   Sounds good to me.   It is a cold, dull and dreary day here today but once I have some breakfast things might pick up a little.   I must admit that my mood reflects the seasonal changes.   I have a lot of writing to take care of today.   Working on a few projects that I would like to at least get started so that I know which direction I am going in.   But that is not always possible or obvious.   Today I start a new notebook and that is always a blank canvas for me.   Anyway, this is just a little add-on to my last post so hopefully it makes sense.

I hope you have a wonerful day filled with smiles and good times.

AMD (Always Making Destinations)

[Emotions26]

Good evening Master always making destinations.

Would not have thought of that.

I am very impressed that you have found and purchased a book for your study already.
Well of course I had to look it up. It appeals to me very much..

I eagerly await your critique. I would consider reading that myself.

Oh yes bring on the ministry of walks. Imagine. I am beginning to think that the world has never been ready for me and never will be. I have a dreadful sense of direction. I possibly took the wrong turn on one of my outings and landed on the wrong planet. Might explain a few things.

I can picture you on your own island. Living off the grid. A beautiful tree house. Circular so that you can watch the ocean all around and look out for unwelcome guests.

I have been daydreaming my whole life. It is wonderful everyone likes me and listens. 
I do hope that you have a solid block of sleep tonight and feel more rested on awakening.

Rest from your writing throughout the day also.

Sleep tight.

May your daydreams take you off on new interesting journeys.

Em

Emerging meanings

Goodnight

[amd1953]

Ciao Em26,

Not so lucky this time around the clock.   Not rocking at all.   A couple hours of precious sleep and here I am wide awake once again.   However, moving on very quickly.   I spent most of last evening clearing out and cleaning up my second spare room as a sort of study I suppose.   It has fairly new carpet in it and I have moved my computer setup in there.   I have to be careful not to roll around too much on my computer chair because apparently the carpet is not the best quality to handle the castor wheels.   Anyway, not really important to worry about.   I have a very small cottage type abode but it is my spiritual home.   I will die here no doubt.   But certainly not yet.   I have a few more miles in me I hope and a few more achievements to realise before I drop off the old percheroo.   I'm not afraid of dying simply because it is an inevitable part of living but I am in no hurry to hasten its arrival.   See how morbid I become when I lack decent sleeping hours?   My whole life flashes in front of me when I'm in this kind of depressed mood and it takes me a while to climb out of it.   Sometimes I sink deeper into the mire before I start to rise again.   Angels and demons everywhere.   Have you heard of an American author by the name of Charles Bukowski?   I found him this afternoon and he sounds a very interesting character.   Apparently he used to stay awake all night writing too.  It's funny isn't it how everyone has their time in the sun but then they just fade away into oblivion.   Life is too absurd to contemplate.   I still feel as though I am being punished for something I have done in the past.   I can't get it out of my head.   If I apologised to everyone in the world for the things I have done, I still don't think it would make a bit of difference.   There is such a lack of empathy in this world that nobody will ever find it in their heart to forgive me.   It is one of the most tragic things I could ever think of.   I think I shall always be a tormented soul.   There is no way out of it.   I think I had better go back to bed and try to get some more sleep,   This is not doing me any good at all

Until we cross paths again

Another Manic Depressive

[amd1953]

Good Morning again,

Not a good night for me at all but then it seldom is.   I am so over these erratic sleeping patterns.   What do you have on your schedule today?   Anything exciting?   My days are always the same so I am left wondering which day it actually is.   I do like the freedom I have now though.   It's kind of exhilarating to think that I am my own master.   If only this were true.   I am, in actual fact, a slave to my own demons which fly around my head.   Albert Camus was an exponent of absurdism and I think I am a supporter of that notion.   Life is absurd and then, well, you know.   I feel myself slipping back into the mire again.   A sort of Labyrinthian bog of eternal stench.   Not very pleasant but then there are many aspects of life that are unpalatable.   I wonder if other people see it too or if they just ignore the nasty bits and stay focused on what might happen in the future.   The problem being that today is yesterday's tomorrow.   Nietzsche said that he knew his own fate and that one day his name would be associated with something stupendous.   Great men become famous after their demise.   Perhaps there is hope for me yet.   Attempted humour there Em.   Never mind, I will eat my bowl of cereal and work out what to do next.   I wish you all the goodness in the world and drive out those d's at any cost.

Peace be with you

AMD

[Emotions26]

Oh AMD

I note that you are in capitals again  Sorry cannot punctuate as run out of space   You know by now how long it takes me to say something   Hmmm sleep deprived is not good for physical or emotional body   Minds misbehave all the more when they become overtired  

Seriously you are possibly experiencing fatigue   You used quite a bit of physical exertion setting up your office   As much as that is inspiring your mind is saying    Enough   as well as your body    I am not insulting your intelligence I just want to check do you drink a fair amount of water daily    You might forget if absorbed in your hobbies   I usually drink a large quantity although have noticed of late in particular when that dreaded D is hovering or has completely taken over I completely forget to drink my water    Did you know that once we become dehydrated we usually do not feel thirsty anymore   This was explained to me years ago when I was diagnosed with fatigue   I was very lightheaded and my blood pressure was too low   I did tell them that I normally have low blood presssure    runs in the family   as per usual not listening    Now when I feel lightheaded I have a drink of water and it does actually help   The other thing that can affect those of us inflicted with this is to avoid too much caffeine   This is so unfair   I misbehave rarely in life yet love my authentic black coffee   love love love dark chocolate      If not fatigue possibly exhausted from so much physical exertion     Not sleeping also as you are excited about your upcoming studies and focussing on preparation which is wonderful    Dr Em will check in on you again   On that note does anyone?    Do you have ambulance cover?  

When fatigue sets in it wreaks absolute havoc with our minds and the dreaded old dreaded D greedily waits to devour us   Hence taking us down old memory lane where we self sabotage all of the good thoughts that we have built up   Good news though    Hear ye Hear ye Hear ye   the self sabotage does not last    the good thoughts are still there    the secret is believing this   Humour will bounce back readily also when rested more   At least I know that you had a bowl of cereal   Good start to the day

Charles Bukowski I have not heard of    I have read more fiction than fact  I have read the few biographies that I mentioned a thousand words ago or more laugh

Yes great men and women do often become famous after their demise   You are not going anywhere though   Erase those thoughts   You are resting up for this exciting study that awaits you    Plus you have the arrival of your new book soon 

It is very hard and I am certainly not negating the fact that when our minds slip backwards as they will there are many of us who as you mentioned have been ill treated will slip back into judging ourselves   This is a human reaction   This is why the forums are full  People write about this everywhere   They also write about their strategies and their successes no matter how fleeting  Your very own words have told me that you will not let those past aggressors affect your life now that you are retired   You are your own master  Remember when you stepped outside and the memory came flooding back how much you love your home  Remind yourself when you have more energy of this and so very much that you  have achieved

Master Amd rest up      drink water    yes you can have two cups of coffee and most importantly some   perhaps 4 squares of dark chocolate a day    Don't eat too much because I do not want the world to run out    Save some for me

Dr Em   please do not check my credentials    I qualified at the Ministry of Silly Walks

I shall work very hard at driving out my d's if you promise to do the same

Peace and bliss you wrote before    I like that

Ta Ta for now

Em

[Emotions26]

Postscript

You knew that it was coming didn't you     I have stopped the punctuation when I remember that is

Yesterday I spent over 90 minutes on the phone trying to make sense of some old shares statements    What a nightmare   I had to talk to someone who had no sense of humour and talked in jargon  Did my head in   He escalated the call because it had taken 60 minutes    He kept on saying the same thing!!  Manager very formal came on the line and reassured me that he would go through everything which he did professionally   He talked in people language not stock exchange jargon   There is going to be further investigation   Why I am not sure as there seemed to be a bit of hedging going on   Why does this always happen to me  

I seriously am starting to believe again that I do speak in a language and style from another planet

This wears me out and does not help the mind that cannot wait to welcome D       I also spent ages shredding documents as draining as watching paint dry

Guess what I have more to do today    I am attempting to declutter    I have achieved much    I have much to achieve still    So off to do that now before I change my mind

Em again