Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Good morning Amd

Well you are back humour and all.

Your opening sentences I relate to.

"Please tell me what you don't understand" you said.

Well that would send me on a merry dance and into areas that are capable of confusing anyone including myself. Best let it be.

Your focus is on what comes next or the ending?

Again you are probably writing to the wrong person here as I can become very deep on this subject.

Yes we come into this world on our own unless we are a twin or similar. Another topic!

We do, generally speaking, leave this world on our own if one is to be precise, as even in multiple passing, last breaths are probably not within exact seconds of time.

Do you see one direction that I am heading in ? This is the physical process of us leaving this world no matter how or the reason why. A clinical reasoning can actually help diminish some of the anxiety that accompanies the thought of our leaving this world.

Cultural differences even allow the mind to travel in many directions of examining alternative thinking styles.

Then you have different faiths and beliefs each with their own customs.

Advantage in someone holding your hand would be I imagine for those people who do live with someone or spend time in the company of others. Others living alone worrying about this concept might not be able to contemplate the subject at all. I have family members who are like this.

I am the opposite. You probably guessed this already. I am the one who asks what are your choices after you pass and so on. I have started the uncomfortable subject many times with others who cannot. No surprise to me; the person is quite relieved to be able to discuss it and be reminded to include it in their will. Some relatives will not always abide by the wishes of their loved one as they are not their own wishes.

I feel from your words that you have inner strength and awareness.

Perhaps the programme that you are watching is tapping into your past fears and self questioning is bringing those memories to the fore. The square box is speaking with a fixed opinion and or fixed alternatives?

Do you need to watch a programme about ageing and what will happen to you?

Your very words about anyone living a major portion of their life on their own, need have no fear of moving on; is a great way of thinking. Therefore the constant backwards and forwards with self questions which is what many of us fall into, including myself can help us answer our own questions.

We already have our own answers.

We are just not listening to ourselves as our minds are buried in the fog of the mess that has and still can at times (not always - important) cause the self doubt to rear it's ugly head.

If you were to take the regret of what has passed out of the equation look at what you are left with.

You have your success of you as a person who has an enquiring mind. You have the gift of writing. You are successfully enrolled in a bachelor degree.

If you can remind yourself of this and not what has been, you have what you need.

Regrets serve no purpose as we cannot go back in time and change what has been. Dr Who messed up a few times. Think of what other experiences life might have thrown up at us. No don't go there.

Life is not about a never ending happy field of joy and love.

My thoughts are life is about continuing to learn and what we do with this knowledge is what shapes our lives now. We are incapable of knowing what the future holds.

How could you have known your own "flaws and weaknesses?" Who was so supreme to categorise and label them as such. Judgements and labels serve no purpose.

If you had found your rock at any given time, life would be different but you have no idea how.

Life is kind to you now though as you are free from your past. Visualise letting go of those shackles. They are only in your memories. Memories are in the past not the present.

Preparing for your last moments could be with reading more spiritual ideas than clinical or scientific.

It is a very interesting subject and one that most people I know cannot even discuss.

I have brought the subject up myself with a few relatives and usually  receive looks of I wish that she would get back on her broomstick!

I have some very deep and meaningful conversations with my cat. He generally falls asleep and snores.

Not very inspiring.

Music playing in the background is a calming environment for sleep.

When we leave this world are we perhaps entering a different form of sleep? Care to follow that discussion?

Too deep? I have not even begun!

Tata

Em

[amd1953]

Hello Em26,

I always seem to be coming back from somewhere.   Usually from the abyss that always seems to be a few steps in front of me.   I have been researching a new subject online.   The Japanese have a word for individuals who retreat from the world and spend decades hiding away in their bedrooms.   The word is Hikikomori.   I always need something of interest to focus on.   It gives my life a kind of purpose.   That sounds a little sad, but it isn't at all really.   I am finding I don't need an excuse to keep living.   I live with the hope that I will outlive all those who tried to make me as miserable as possible by reducing me to nothing in the process.   But I shall rise from the ashes like the Phoenix no matter how many times they try to destroy me.   Even when I do not have a purpose, there is always one hatching in my mind which is a breeding ground for dissent.   I am feeling the cold this morning even though the heater has been on for 30 minutes.   Maintaining an agreeable body heat is problematic.   Have you read any of H.P. Lovecraft's writing?   There is one short story called The Outsider.   That is my favourite.   Reading between the lines pays dividends.   I have made up my mind to avoid situations in life where people can judge me.   That is always an annoying experience because they always judge me wrong.   Have you ever found that to be true?   Perhaps life is really a computer simulation.   I wish I lived in the middle of a great forest because I love trees.   I find the natural world far more rewarding because it does not pretend to be anything other than what it is.   I enjoy my flights of fancy.   Any excuse to escape the real world and explore a perfect one of my own design and construction.   What a wonderful place that would be.   No one to please but myself.   No one to tell me what to do because they know me better than I do.   Perhaps I have already departed this world because there is nothing left for me to aspire to?   Who knows what happens to us when we shed our skin for the last and final time?   I think we just go back to being nothing again.   I think I would like that.

Peace & Bliss

AMD

[Emotions26]

Hello AMD

I do love the constant changing of your name. The child waiting for the next episode and what surprise awaits.

The playing with words enticing the imagination of the reader.

Delightful.

You brought your humour with you in your latest letter. Always readily welcomed.

Hikikomori sent me off on an expedition of reading about the Japanese take on self isolation.

I am not sure what your take is on it. Mine is that it is looking at it from the perspective of another culture.

Severe cases of mental illness as a result of several possibilities. I personally find it worrying that they have classified it as "Hikikomori is currently viewed as a sociocultural mental health phenomenon, rather than a distinct mental illness. Given at least 1.2% of the population (around a million people) are affected, hikikomori is a significant social and health problem." I could not find anything in the one particular article about treatment or what is being done to help and assist these people??

You are within your whole home which is still classified and self isolating and this I myself identify with during varying stages. I do eventually go out though. The longer I self isolate the more degeneralised from the outside world I become when  I do step outside.

You mentioned trees. A must for me. I think I wrote about this elsewhere. I am surrounded by them. This was intentional when building my home.

I am beginning to wonder if we are related!

There are so many similar traits and interests.

I imagine that there are many others similar just not writing to each other as we have both alluded to. Who listens to us!

Yes you have it in a nutshell, you definitely do not need an excuse to live. You are living.

You are researching, writing, reading and now writing letters.

You are gradually shedding the layers of ?(you choose your own word here as this belongs to you) and moving forward. Not backwards.

Our minds can trick us into thinking that we are moving in  circles or backwards. We are always moving forwards. Our memories when rising to the surface will take us on journeys where we might think that we will never be free of them. We have a choice always. They are only memories. Remember?

It does take time. You are in this place now and some of your letters declare this loudly that you are your own person. You are the Phoenix rising from the ashes. They do not have power over you and can no longer destroy you within your mind.

I had a brief look at H.P. Lovecraft's books reviews and the word horror leapt out at me. My vivid imagination is not friends with horror. Will bravely seek out "The Outsider" when I have more time.

I enjoyed Ken Follett books several years ago and have some, somewhere underneath the dust and other on my bookcase.

Flights of fancy now that is music to the soul. That describes me well in between my strong will; persistence; challenging mind; curiosity;determination and standing up for causes. Much more.

Perhaps you are moving into times where others whom you have spoken to have not themselves visited.

Perhaps is a beautiful world.

Must leave you for now as am late getting ready for an appointment.

What is new?

Hate structure; routine had too much of that during work, growing up at home; dealing with bureaucracy; health systems etc etc.

Peace and Bliss are lovely ways to end a letter. The same returned to you

Still Em

[amd1953]

Greetings and Salutations Em26,

Just wondering if I do have a mental illness or whether my self-imposed isolation stems from a desire to be on my own after a lifetime of control and obedience.   In which case, I do not acknowledge it as an illness if it is something I freely admit and adhere to.   I could be wrong, of course, but I now have the ability to control my own life and try to do whatever it takes to make it as happy as I possibly can.   Is that selfish or simply an overwhelming desire to extract as much as possible from this final phase of life on earth?   I am just tired of most people.   Certainly not all because obviously I do not know what makes everyone else in the world tick.   However, if I had been lucky or unlucky enough to have had a built-in video camera and microphone for all my life, you would begin to understand why I am how I am.   Was it just bad luck that I meet these people or is there some underlying current that attracts them to me so that I might suffer as much as I can before I fade away into oblivion?   Who knows?   Who cares?   The English are renowned for being just a little eccentric, are they not?   Perhaps it is the price we (the English) pay for living on a tiny island although I am over here in Australia now.   I think you can find a copy of The Outsider online for free if you are interested in reading it.   It's only a short story so not too time consuming.   Do you think we might be related?   How interesting!   Perhaps we met in a past life.   I suppose that is only possible if you believe in reincarnation.   Sometimes I am not sure what I believe in because the possibilities are infinitely variable.   Maybe my mind changes with the seasons.   I am sure it goes into hibernation during the winter months.   But at least it is always active and not completely dormant.   These days I take one day at a time.   It feels safer that way.   I don't think I have ever done anything dangerous, except marriage.   The ultimate sacrifice for me to make.   I felt the nails being hammered into my hands and feet up there on the hill at Calvary.   Well, that's enough of that, my friend.   I am becoming too morbid and that does no one any good at all.   Until we meet again.

Regards Amd

[Emotions26]

Hello Amd

I found your letter and felt the need to respond to your opening comments.

No, I do not think that you have a mental illness at all. 
I am not qualified to even assume such.

In fact I would not be surprised if many diagnoses of people are incorrect or outdated.

Some of the people making the diagnoses are questionable.

I believe that you have simply had enough of people and chosen to make a life of your own with your hobbies and interests.

Self isolating affects me it does it affexpct everyone in the same way. I need connection with nature.

There is nothing wrong in. Choosing to live your life on your own. Many people live alone.

Sadly this is a downside of written communication as opposed to face to face. Communication includes tones of voice; body language; facial expressions and more for some.

Be you Amd. Enjoy your interests. There are no rules. Do not concern yourself with other’s judgements.

Sleep well

Will write more soon.

Em

[Emotions26]

Hello Amd

Please excuse my typing errors when using mobile phone apparent in previous reply.

You mentioned reincarnation with reference to my flippant question do you think that we might be related?

part tongue in cheek part well a possibility with similar character traits.

I don't actually believe in the word reincarnation from a religious point of view.

The sanskrit interpretation comes closer to what might be.

My thoughts are, perhaps, always perhaps, we keep on travelling different planes of existence. Might even take on different forms, shapes who knows.

I do not think that earthlings are intelligent enough to be the only breathing, thinking, feeling form.

I do not wish to offend anyone by these comments. I have said perhaps and believe that on a forum such as this it is a safe place to write about what we think might be.

"Erewhon" I have also not heard of and is now on my list of books to hopefully borrow from the library if available. The concept appeals immensely as is not far from how it is in the real world dare I say.

I still have The outsider on my list as well.

I am beginning to wonder if you are leaving little clues; hidden between the words that are hiding in your letters.

Your reading level is at a higher standard than mine.

I have now discovered "‘Erewhon Revisited" the sequel to ‘Erewhon’ to add to my list.

I read Animal Farm; The Grapes of Wrath (did not like) Picnic at Hanging Rock; Lord of the Flies and many children's classics.

I have also read many of Ruth Rendell and other crime writers.

Many authors to numerous to list.

Your knowledge of the english language is far vaster than mine.

Are you perhaps testing me?

No matter. I am honest.

Yes in some circles the English are renowned for being a little eccentric. Depends on which part of the country you are talking about really. The nationality of the person you are talking to also might change the thinking.

I am warn out today yet again. This time from dealing with dysfunctional organisations re accounts. Health societies; doctor surgery receptionists and chemist retail assistants.

So am off of the computer. Rest my mind.

Stay warm.

Hope that receiving another letter can bring a smile to your face.

As you say, Peace and Bliss.

The words induce a sense of such.

Bye for now

Em

[Emotions26]

Postscript

I cannot write a flowing, interesting letter today so you are receiving little excerpts of nonsensical writing.

You said " I have made up my mind to avoid situations in life where people can judge me. That is always an annoying experience because they always judge me wrong. Have you ever found that to be true? Perhaps life is really a computer simulation. "

I have spent a life time listening and observing others and even listening to my own thoughts; observing my own reactions.

I am quite adept at picking up when I am being judged now on the rare occasion that I am in a group of usually family members. There are some lovely moments to be truthful; rare and fleeting; still lovely.

The judgemental part I pick up on like soundwaves or more energies I feel. Body language; rolling of eyes. I don't miss much and these people then expect me to believe the gush (loathe gush)you are family. I sound cynical. I probably am becoming cynical. How much can one put up with? I do smile an awful lot and throw in my odd humourous retort. A couple of the younger ones have a sense of humour and engage in following that line which is fun. The older, rolling eye crowd simmer. Then I move over and randomly select someone who is quiet to talk to. Then it is time to go home.

My way is to respond with humour or a smile and it floors them every time.

Sometimes it is us who are thinking that we are being judged which comes from our younger years when we were. So I try to stick with moving past it and not letting it have a hold on me.

As for the computer simulation.

I can remember thinking when I was younger at home with mum and dad. Sister.

We used to play monopoly and I used to envisage that was real life and we were moving around in a world where houses were bought and sold, built. Cars were tiny specks. That sort of imagery.

Yawning now.

Promise no more letters today

Em

[amd1953]

Good Evening Em,

You are ahead of me by two posts so I am running to catch up now.   I thought I wrote something earlier this afternoon and thought I had posted it on the forum but obviously not.   It doesn't show up here in the list.  At least I can't see it.   However, no matter, because I will try to make up for lost time.

Not that time has any bearing on my life.   I see every day rushing by me without a care or concern in the world.  When I was much younger, life seemed permanently on hold sometimes.   How I hated going to school!   It was one of the hardest times of my life although I have to admit that worse was yet to come.   One thing I can say is that I would hate to have to go through it all over again.   What a pity we can't look into the future and see what lies in store for us.   We would have plenty of time to cut and paste.   

If being happy and contented is what this life is all about then I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.   So, I refuse to be the failure I thought I would be.  "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy".   Truth always thrives behind closed doors.   I think I need to add a few more thousand books to my library.   Although, the internet serves me well.   I find that books have a calming effect on me and that can never be a bad thing.   I love reading between the lines.   You never know what you might find there.   My brain needs the exercise you see.   The key to thinking is to train your mind in ways that will expand your imagination.   When it comes to the baseline, that is all we have, ourselves and our thought processes.   As long as we have some idea of who we are then we might be able to resist the temptation to scream loudly for days at a time.   I don't think I have enjoyed a good scream for years.   Lucky me.   Enough said for now I think.

AmD

[amd1953]

Postscript

After four hours of sleep, I feel mentally and physically drained.   However, I awake with a new sense of optimism this morning.   I rub the sleep from my eyes and settle down at my desk for another productive session on my computer.   What a wonderful thing it is, bringing the world to my humble little world in the middle of nowhere.   Whatever information I need, it is there before me in the blink of an eye.   And yet, I have to be careful not to read into things.   Only reading between the lines will provide the solution, if there is one to be found.   Are we in the Age of Enlightenment or the Age of Utter Despair?   Sometimes I wonder.   But in the current world of instant gratification, I also question the direction in which we seem to be heading.   Everything has to be provided without delay because there is no time to lose.   Are we standing at the edge of the abyss or the carpark adjacent to it?   I wonder about that too.   Why not just live life as it comes?   Can we make plans for an unforeseeable future?   So many questions that will never be answered.   Oh, to be in England!   Now that April's there.  Actually, we are heading towards the end of June, but I claim poetic license.  Literature has to be fluid when quoting it seriously.   Robert Browning certainly had an eye for words and composition.   But I lean more towards the Romantic poets of Coleridge and Wordsworth that send thrills down my spine when I read them.   If only reality were that romantic in truth and style.   If only!   I have reached the age where I am ashamed to confess how little I know in regard to the world as an entity.   One has to die a little every day to be able to assess its meaning.   But there is always someone to take our place at the cutting edge of suffering.   Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.   Can you tell that I have had little sleep overnight?   Perhaps I should curl up on the floor like a cat with a waiting dream to finish.   If only life were different to what it is.   If only I were different to what I am.   Perhaps everything would become clearer then.   Em, I hope you have a lovely and unforgettable day ahead.

May your God go with you.

AMD

[Emotions26]

My intriguing letter writing amico,

currently signing off as AMD    Oh muddle that up and Mad comes out. How delightful. Dam an encasement of water. AM D as in am D.   My name Emotions26 invites the mind to name 26 different emotions.   Are we in the Age of Enlightenment or the Age of Utter Despair? Sometimes I wonder.    My answer is that we can be wherever we choose. I choose enlightenment every time. I have had enough of uninvited despair.    Take the fact that we are writing letters to each other in the short period of 5 weeks or so. We do not know one another. We have never met. Would you have imagined that this would be the outcome of writing your first post on BeyondBlue? Did I imagine that I would find a potential letter writing companion with whom I could allow my own imagination to run free? Did I believe that it would be possible to exchange letters and communicate in a manner that stimulated my brain on a forum such as this? This is living proof that anything is possible.   Every question that you pose where you balance out the negative and the positive; I would suggest choose the positive every time. What do you have to loose? These are thoughts not actions.  Your comparing the speed of time to when you were younger is a natural response to change happening around us. This has been going on for centuries for those who dare to think and ponder.  It can be seen as look at everything that I have overcome that I thought would never be possible. I read that in between your words in your last two letters. Your burdensome mind is lightening? The veil of thoughts are lifting slightly?   More books oh yes.    I cannot read books on the computer. I cannot read ebooks and even struggle with audio books as they often talk too quickly. I want to savour each word.   I want to hold the book and look at the words upon each page. Turn the page and think oh I have read a third of the way through. So on and so on. Books are magical. If they have hard back covers even more so.   I should have bought a book store many years ago. I would have added little nooks with different chairs to sit and read for a little. I would have chatted and listened to the stories of some who came in purely for the company.     Volunteering in a library stacking shelves just does not cut it.   I am going to investigate volunteering at something perhaps again next year.    I have done some in the past. Generally the ones running the show are disorganised.    I love reading the words that in regards to happiness you have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.    Spreading those words here for myself and others to read is truly magical and thank you for writing this.    I am very pleased to read this.  I have a couple of books of Coleridge and Wordsworth somewhere. Not sure.   Kahlil Gibran. Frida Kahlo     Have you ever loved the theatre?  I loved the theatrical plays and classical concerts.  Life has come to a standstill. Frozen over for about 20 years.   I am starting to defrost laugh.  

Em