Hi all.
I have been struggling with depression for as far back as I can remember. Until 20 years ago after my first major episode from relationship breakup I was ignorant that I had a problem. I suffered extreme anxiety and depression. I have had 2 major episodes with the latest being 2 years ago. Both have been triggered by relationship breakups, in the latest I have lost everything I have strived and worked for,wife, kids, home, dogs and myself. It has been a battle to keep my head above ground with nasty court battles, being denied seeing my daughter, my step son refuses to talk to me from loyalty to his mum and the court stuff is still lingering. Thankfully I have a good job, but I am away from home 2 weeks of every month. Recently that 2 weeks at work has become a hellish nightmare, because after the shift you're stuck in a room by yourself and the thoughts start flooding in.
I find it extremely difficult to be on my own and confess I suffer from relationship addiction and am vulnerable to emotional abuse from partners, this is happening again with my new partner but I find it extremely hard to give up the addiction. As a result I have been suffering intense anxiety as I feel I am not measuring up to my partner and that my mental problems are getting in the way of a healthy relationship. When things are good they are great but I always seem to stuff things up, or so it seems, because of my reactions to the crap going on in my head.
I have been practicing yoga and meditation for about 5 years and this has helped. I have also come across 2 amazing books which I believe have given me a complete new level of understanding – Ekhart Tolle The Power of Now and A New Earth.
As helpful as all this stuff has been, I have found that talking to people is also amazingly helpful. I used to be a closed book that was too proud to admit I had a problem but somehow, over time, I have overcome that obstacle.
There are still days where I just can't control my anxiety I have found that if it is not one thing I am worrying about it's another so I can't blame the cicumstances it is my reactions to the circumstances, the voices in my head that just completely take over. I am aware of this yet they still take over, awareness is the first step to recovery and I am not going to give up, I know I can beat this!
Writing this I feel that I am getting a heap off my chest but I do not want pity or to be a seen as victim, I just want encouragement, answers, results.
