on the verge of family breakdown, again. Is it me?

[L123]

Hi,  It's my first time posting so thanks to anyone that responds.  My direct family involves a loving wife, who has supported me greatly through my mental health improvement.  It also involves a daughter from my first relationship, who came and went as a kid.  Sometimes wanting our help and support, sometimes longing for her real mother and going to live with her.  shes now an adult and has a child, my grandson. And it involves my wifes child who I met at 2 years old, she calls me Dad and I love that, I'm her Dad and love her equally to my own biological child.  My girls are 27 and 23.    The worst thing for me is my own Mum, physically sexually verbally and emotionally abusive.  But despite all of that I love her to.  

What happens is that every few years things start to break down.  When my biological daughter expressed wanting to live with her Mum at 16 my own Mum blamed me for her leaving and didn't speak to me or my wife or other daughter for a year until I stepped in and confronted her abuse.  Now just recently my Mum, Biological daughter, grandson, my brother, his wife and kids all went to the Zoo without me.  I expressed my hurt politely via text and Man! It's caused an rift again.  My daughter is blaming me for hurting my Mum, my Mum wont talk to me.  My daughter won't let me see my grandson etc.  

I've been to a great psychologist over the years.  So I have coping strategies.  But they don't.  It's all scapegoating, tears, being ignored, treated like the black sheep.  They know I have had mental challenges and I called it out acouple of years ago.  I asked my daughter and mum to connect, ask me how I'm going, talk openly about my therapy.  But now we are back to square one.  Them blaming me for their own insecurities, regrets, inability to face emotional honest fact based discussions.  Now my daughter wont let me take my grandson to a concert tomorrow night and says it's because I hurt her.  My Mum is not speaking to me again.  Do I just cut the ties?  It gets really tiring going through this cycles every couple of years.  Thanks all!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Good news! It might well NOT be you. After 9 years as a CC and got bipolar, depression etc I've had a life time (66yo) of a dysfunctional family. Briefly- 12 years ago my sister and I cut ties with our mother. She's been triangulating, a common trait of narcissistic tendencies. So after 12 years of my sister and I building up a smaller but closer family 3 weeks before xmas the whole family imploded. Without going through all the details a simple phone call would have fixed everything. Instead, letters went to and from between auntie, cousins and my daughter. All have MI issues. The worst was to come. My sister tried to recruit me against my daughter and had already manipulated her daughters against me and my daughter. Sheesh!

Now to your situation

•  Only when you appear a direct danger to your grandson should care be taken away from you. Otherwise IMO your daughter is using him as punishment. This will cause you to not trust her even if the conflict is resolved. 
• Your mother had no right IMO in judging why your child returned to her mother. It is direct interfering. A year of silence could be taken as abuse to an end. Silence can be artillery.
• I have some topics I'd like you to google.

1.  Witch queen hermit waif
2. Flying monkeys
3. Personality disorders (NPD and BPD)
4. https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/grief-and-loss/family-split-a-realistic-approach/td-p/555457
5. Especially this one- https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/disowned-by-family-members-how-to...
6. https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/controlling-your-life-how-important-is-it/td-p/3623...

I'm running out of characters. I'd be interested in this continuing when you want.  I'm here daily

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi lachyP,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry for your challenge. I don't want to be judgemental, but from your description I feel that you've done everything you could and you are innocent.

You don't have to cut the ties with your biological daughter and your mum, but if you think it's not a good timing for an open and honest talk (two sides), may be you can calm down for a while. I would suggest you to focus on your wife and her child for now, take care of them and spend quality time with them, cause at least you want to make sure this side is good.

Mark

[L123]

thank you so much for the guidance.  It rings true.  I'm pretty resiliant.  Have decided to go back to my psyc to discuss and get some more tips to mange this.  My Mum never talks about her emotions.  Its like she has none.  She openly called herself the "avoider" at a family lunch about 3 months ago.  There was no discussion in conflict or argument it was a great day, she just came out with it in conversation.  I think I'm a good bloke, in fact I know I am, so does my wife, and brother, just seems the biological daughter and my manipulative and previously abusive mother are scapegoating me.  But its all good.  Joining the formum in another link in my amoury of looking after myself.  so pleased to get such a supportive response.

[L123]

Hi TonyWK, just to clarify for my benefit what are MI issues.  And I'm assuming triangulating is when a person tells people indirecly what they thing about another person in a realtionship hoping it will get back to the person they really want to talk about or to?