NumB

[Broken79]

Firstly. Thankyou if your taking your time to read this.

It's been a while since I've been here. 

I haven't been feeling any good of late...well, this is the thing, I feel...nothing. 

My weights almost at 130kgs and my skin is falling and whats most worrying is that i don't care.

I've withdrawn from my kids and family, I'm snappy, I rave on and on about the same stuff to my teenagers.

I'm tired and everything's an effort, that I don't understand the meaning of.

I'm so alone.

I often do think, it'd be better for everyone, if I just stayed out of the way (permanently) 

And here's the kicker. I'm a social worker ...

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I'm so sorry that you're going through all that. I can see how exhausting, frustrating and worrying it is for you. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to contact Beyond Blue or your GP when it gets bad as they can make it much easier.

Maybe trying to find some joy in life again might help you to recharge. It could be something very little or maybe old hobbies and interests or trying to find new ones could help. Sometimes just thinking about how to put something enjoyable into our lives again might help to find something for you.

I hope that things get better for you, please let us know how you're coping whenever you feel like it

[therising]

Hi Broken79

My heart goes out to you so much, it truly does. 

Those who care deeply are often deeply feeling people. They can be sensitive people, people with the ability to sense. With you being a social worker (a truly noble calling), I imagine you've developed your ability to feel for others and your ability to sense the needs of others. While enjoying being of service to others, there are times where I've asked myself 'Why can I not feel for myself or sense my own needs as clearly?'. I've found the short answer involves me not having developed such abilities to the point of self mastery. As a 55yo gal, I'm still an apprentice when it comes to self development and greater self understanding. 

I've found another challenging question in life can sometimes be 'How the heck did I not feel or sense myself reaching this point I'm at now?'. With this question can come a lot of detective work and the need to develop hindsight. Sometimes revelations or greater clarity can be gained from asking those who know us best and sometimes I find it can be gained through self questioning in ways that come to serve. To offer an example, I have a meditation that involves me going into my imagination. I walk through a gateway into a forest and follow a path to a little cottage where my sage lives. In my mind, I sit with this sage and ask questions I need the answers to. The answers come and I return to reality with them. This is the nutshell version of this meditation. There is incredible detail to it. Btw, it doesn't have to be a sage we sit with, in such a meditation. It can be anyone or anything, as long as we gain the answers we're looking for through an open mind. 

Personally, I'm a terrible emotional eater. When I reach a certain weight, my knees will scream at me (in the language known as 'feeling') 'You've got to address this, as we're suffering under the weight of this addiction'. They express pain. If I was to ask the sage in me 'Why do I eat the way I do?', what comes to mind is 'To find joy in a joyless marriage, to fill a void where adventure should be, to sense a degree of satisfaction, to feel some form of excitement or energy in some way...' and the list goes on. Btw, I found a major energy zapper to be sleep apnea. When this was first addressed, it was explained to me that the body will call out for any form of high end energy it can get (sugary foods and drinks, caffeine etc). The body becomes absolutely desperate for energy. It's looking for fuel.

Without significant levels of energy (whether it involves physical, mental or soulful energy), it can be hard to feel anything. While we can still feel, on a basic level, what can be felt is 'a depressing lack' of what we thrive on. I can relate to such a feeling currently screaming at me 'You've reached a point where you can no longer ignore this'. Again, I feel for you so much. It's not an easy place to be, as it demands change. It demands we take a new path in our life.

[Broken79]

My heart filled with so much appreciation, almost as much as my eyes filled with tears in gratitude that you cared enough to respond.

Today was an awful day..one of the worst.

I had to talk to HR and management about a little blur on my police record from a year ago that I did not disclose right away, as I should have. It was an alcohol initiated action, regretfully, dumb and irresponsible. It's up to the companies discretion if I am still employable, and it will take a whole week for the decision to be made. 

Great.

My spaghetti bowl of head noises just got tackier and more twisted.

Meeting was from 10am til 3pm.

The solo hour drive home ... countless scenarios.  None great. 

I own this. 

Its on me.

so sorry to ramble. 

i havent felt this awful for years.

its the 9 yr anniversary of my 20 year husbands sudden passing in August 2016. 

This is a very similar feeling.

I feel so alone. So scared, which is a switch up from the nothingness I complained of earlier.

I have been offered a councillor through work, EPA . I aim to utilise it. 

Your meditative journey, sounds incredible.  I imagine mine would have boogy men at this moment..

I am so so grateful, from the bottom of my sore tired heart, that you reached out. I truly am.  

My salty tears are a testament to my gratitude. 

[quirkywords]

Broken79 many people will read your posts and feel for you and be supportive but they may not reply.

I feel for you .

As a social worker I wonder what you would say to a client who was feeling and acting like you. 
I know I can help others but find it hard to. Help myself at times.

Does keeping a journal help you at all. 
You are not alone and we are here to support and listen .

I hope the counsellor helps .

[Broken79]

Journaling.  Haven't done that for a long while.

That's actually somthing I might start up again

Thankyou for taking your time to reply.

I often write on my deceased husbands messenger. I know ot will never be opened by him. But, it gives me an outlet to talk, cry and reflect in private.

I have no other option except to soldier on, right? I mean. If he could, he would still be here , but the universe had other plans for his existence. 

Thankyou everyone who had taken their time to read through this thread.

It's helped alot, reading other people's queries, I feel less alone in this 

[therising]

I'm so glad you're aiming to utilise the help work have offered you. Talking things out and having someone help us make sense of such things can make a mountain of difference at times. Personally, I have to know exactly what my emotional charges are all about, so that they stop zapping me in such intense ways at times. If emotion can be defined as 'energy in motion' or 'e-motion', I find there can be mental energy/charges (including thoughts and inner dialogue), physical or chemical energy/charges and soulful kinds of energetic charges.

With the passing and remembrance of your husband, my heart goes out to you so much as you still experience the mental challenges that come with this, the physical challenges and the deeply soulful challenges. With the passing of someone who we love so dearly, I find it can feel like a double edged sword. While we can come to make sense of just how much of a guide and support they were for us, how much they truly loved us, their friendship, their level of compassion and so much more, we can also feel the loss of such things at the same time. While my mum (my dearest friend) passed at the end of May this year, I've found there is just so much to make sense of in the way of emotion and the way forward. A soulful sense of emotion would perhaps be the greatest challenge of all. I should add that my sage meditation has changed a little these days. In my mind I meet with my mum, her mother and others who have passed. In my imagination, we sit and discuss the way forward. Great things continue to come to light, sometimes amongst some tears but that's okay. We're allowed to feel our way through tears. As Washington Irving said 'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love'. We are allowed to express and experience our love through tears.

There are plenty of people in this world who are going to take on the rolls of 'judge', 'jury' and 'executioner', when it comes to what they think of us and what we do or have done. While they will judge us, deliberate and execute some kind of punishment (that they feel fit to execute), what they don't realise is that we can have our own judge within us, our own jury and our own executioner at times. The inner dialogue can be brutal on occasion. When it comes to our own so called 'inner demons', such as our harsh and brutal inner critic, I say 'To hell with you. Off you go. Go back to where you came from. You're seriously bringing me down (into a depression). I'm not going there'. The challenge becomes about listening to that which can be hard to hear at times, that which may insist 'Take up the offer from work', 'Go on the Beyond Blue forums', 'Cry/vent if you need to' and things along those lines. There is something gentle and guiding within us, which can be hard to hear at times. I find it pays to practice trying to hear it. I also find it pays to give it a name or title, such as 'inner sage' or 'inner guide' or 'that which is divine' (as oppose to 'inner critic' etc). ❤️ 

[Broken79]

The quite, by Washington Irving resonated with me. It made my hair stand on end. I've always said to the kids, that our tears are a testament to our love for their father, and we honour those feelings by allowing them to exist.

My day, was much better, kept busy with work, and really went the extra mile...for myself.

I am going to try the journey and sage meetings tonight. As soon as I upload this as a matter of fact. 

I have some beautiful meditative background music with lush crytal clear water gently lapping over ancient oversized glacial shifted pebbles.

(As you may tell, im almost already there)

Thankyou for your beautiful words.

I am excited to touch base soon.