Not sure where to start

[stylishkid]

Hey there. 

As the title suggests, I’m not sure where to post exactly. I became a parent almost 2 years ago and it’s brought up a lot from my childhood, but I don’t feel like I’ve got any right to claim I’ve got any big problems. 

i struggle daily with feeling inadequate both at work and as a parent (I work 3 days a week). I’m unhappy with the way I look, my abilities and how I interact socially. I don’t have any friends, but I used to when I was younger. 

i worry way too much about what others think but I want so badly to be liked by people I don’t even like. It sounds so stupid to say it.

my partner and I have chosen to go down the gentle parenting route, and this wasn’t how I was brought up. I’m facing resistance from family for it, but it’s also bringing up a lot from my own childhood. I believe my father was a narcissist but not an awful one. I was the less desired sibling of the two of us and I guess I knew it but just accepted that’s the way things were. 

anyway, I’m not sure what to expect here. Or how to go about seeking help. But I’d really like to feel more balanced.

[Mark Z.]

Hi stylishkid,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, but I commend you for reaching out and seeking help. It's important to prioritise your well-being and find a sense of balance in your life.

Have you considered seeking professional help? For example, through your GP, reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in parenting issues, self-esteem, and childhood trauma. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate these challenges and help you develop coping strategies.

It's also a good idea to connect with other parents. As a young parent, it's easy feel lost helpless. Look for local parenting groups or online communities where you can connect with other parents who share similar values and parenting approaches. Building a support network of like-minded parents can be very helpful in normalising your experiences and finding encouragement.

Also, I feel that you need to challenge negative self-talk. Be mindful of the negative thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself. Practice self-compassion and challenge the inner critic. Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements, and focus on self-acceptance and personal growth. You mentioned that you want so badly to be liked by people you don’t even like --- it's not stupid at all. Who doesn't want to be liked and recognised by others? Try to see yourself in a more positive light.

I want to encourage you that, what you're doing now - seeking help is a sign of strength, not a weakness. And you deserve to prioritise your well-being. It may take time and effort, but you will find more balance and fulfillment in your life.

Mark

[geoff]

Hello Stylishkid, not everybody is going to agree on what any of us are doing, just like we might not agree with what they are doing, it doesn't matter how these other feel, as long as you are happy and content in how you manage your life, because it's your life and even if we did what they wanted us to do, we might not be happy in doing so.

Don't worry about how they feel, you need to develop your own life and what besr suits you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[tranzcrybe]

We are all a product of how we are raised along with our exposure to positive and negative experiences.

With this awareness uppermost in your thoughts, it is you who now carries that responsibility for those dependent on you, and it is therefore incumbent on you both (as parents) to chart the course according to your own (and collectively learned) experiences to refute/rectify past errors (while humbly acknowledging there are bound to be a few new ones taking their place!).

Of course you will be feeling as though you are stepping into the unknown, but it will indeed be the children who raise the parents to meet such challenges.

[nic072]

Hey I’m in the same boat I’m seeking help but don’t know where to start

[indigo22]

Hi Stylishkid and Nic72,

I hear your insecurities loud and clear and I am so sorry to hear that this is your situation at present. I have no idea of your age but I am now in my 60s and have been through a lot of difficult situations so I feel I have some wisdom to share. To start with, thank you both for having the courage to come to the forum to get some advice.

Nic72, I don't know what your circumstances are so I will offer my thoughts and hope that it helps you also. It took me a long time to realise that we are so moulded by our environment (family, extended family, teachers, friends, religion, etc.) that it is difficult to figure out who we really are underneath all of that. So the trick is to start questioning everything. For example, you say you feel inadequate in some areas of your life, so you ask yourself - "is that really true"? You are working 3 days a week and raising a child so from where I sit, you are more than adequate, so what are your expectations of yourself and where did they come from. Are they really your expectations or are they someone else's expectations that you took on so long ago that you forgot they were not your own. Someone will always have an opinion about everything you say or do, but that does not mean that their opinion is correct for you. You and your partner have decided how you want to raise your child and that decision is yours and yours alone. I am sure if it is not working in some area, you will make adjustments along the way, but do not let yourselves be bullied into doing things in a different way than what feels right to you. The reason you are feeling so insecure and feel you have no friends is less complicated than you might think. You first of all need to love yourself, I don't mean in a conceited way, I mean in the way that you consider yourself an equal to everyone else in every way, not less than everyone else which were you are right now. The stuff from your childhood will need to be talked through with someone to help you make sense of why it is effecting you but you will feel a lot better once you start dealing with those issues. I know from experience that pushing them down or pushing them to one side will not make them go away, they will keep coming back to haunt you until you deal with them. Please remember, when you call yourself a derogatory name or criticise yourself for something, ask yourself at that exact moment - "is that really true"? I hope you will both come back to this thread and talk more, we will be here for you.

Take care,

indigo22