Not Faring Too Well

[TogALot]

Where to start? I've always been the tough one, the one who holds the fort, the one who is there to help everyone, no matter what the issue, so writing this is really hard as I am not one for opening up. The trouble is, whilst putting on a brave face and looking after everyone else and telling everyone I am fine, I have been hiding behind a facade! In truth, I have probably needed as much or maybe more help myself.

I was in the armed forces for many years and have seen and done things that would send many people over the edge. As as is the forces way we were never offered counselling or support, it was just a case of pick yourself up, man up and carry on, usually with some very bad, non PC jokes to make light of a bad or dangerous situation.

I've been in civvy street for a while now, but a few years ago I went to see my GP with exhaustion and he advised me that apart from nearly killing myself with the hours I was working that I was suffering extreme stress, Major Depression and quite possibly PTSD. As a result I've been on a few different medications since, but more and more I find myself struggling on a daily basis.

I work full time (plus a bit) and am very good at hiding behind my "everything is OK" mask. I've done it for so long it comes naturally. The trouble is, I know things are not right, and probably getting worse and therefore it must be bad as they always say that you are the last to know when it is on your own doorstep.

I'm at a loss what to do, I've all but given up on my photography, and that has always been more a passion than a hobby, but I find it hard to get up and go out after putting all my effort into making things look OK for everyone else. Now, on top of everything else Christmas is upon us and this year It is looking like it will be just me and my two dogs. Not exactly a time of celebration!

[JessF]

Hello TogALot, well done on stepping out from behind that facade for the first time. It is difficult to ask for help when you have been a rock for others. Recognising that things are not ok is the first step.

You don't mention whether or not your GP sent you to a psychologist. With everything that's been going on for you, and a lot of the untold stories you allude to, it sounds like it would be a good idea to go and unpack this with a professional. It's a bit like forgetting to get your car serviced, the grease and gunk builds up over time and if it's not cleaned out eventually the car stops working, and you sound a t a point now where you find yourself struggling daily.

Christmas is always a flashpoint too if things aren't going well in your life. Being on your own at Christmas can be a blessing in disguise if you remember that, despite all the hype around it, it is just another day of the year and this could be a good time to focus on recharging your batteries for the year to come.

Sometimes it's worth remembering that through our struggles, the fact that we have survived it all is worth celebrating.

[TogALot]

Hi JessF. Thanks for the response. It has taken a while for me to come out of hiding and post, but I feel I need to do something for myself and its a small step. You are correct, I do struggle on a daily basis and by the time I get home I am exhausted. I have been referred to a psych, but am awaiting the first appointment to see where that takes me.
I like your idea of recharging over Christmas, maybe that is the way I should look at it, but like everything when you are down it is difficult to see beyond the brick walls, real or imaginary.

[Bethie]

Welcome TagAlot

My partner suffers PTSD and is now on meds for his anxiety and depression.

IN the last few months due to his flashbacks and nightmares I've heard every detail of highly clasified actions while he saw active service. I can understand why you feel you can't talk.

It's not easy to just joke around and keep going. I can't stress enough please see and talk to your GP . You don' have to go into details your not comfortable with just let them know what you feel comfortable with.

The forces have changed now and there is help via defence force.gov.au

Please keep reaching out.

Things can get better. Only a few weeks ago while on my sons base a long serving Commado walked up to my partner and gave him a coffee and said Mate I've seen that look in the mirror and feel your pain.

Something so small but it shows the changing culture now.

HAng in there. I could possibly offer a short term solution my partner has used for over 20 years but then it' a case of the grass isn't allways greener.

Please keep checking in and let us all know how you are on both good and bad days

[Mathy]

Hi TogALot and a belated welcome to BB from 🙂

It’s great that you’ve taken that first step to see your GP and the second step of posting here.

I too live with PTSD and Anxiety, tend to float in and out of depression, although in the early days I slipped into a major depression. I’m not from a defence/police/emergency services background, my trauma was a human caused accident, which affected approximately 70 women.

Seperate from PTSD, I often feel that anxiety/depression is a bit “chicken or egg”, after 15 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that the anxiety is more of a problem. I take anti depressants (ADs) which are a bit old school, but specifically target anxiety and lack of sleep. You may want to bear this in mind, because modern ADs can often cause anxiety until you’re used to them, something that I couldn’t tolerate.

If you have a choice, a psychiatrist is a good place to start, they are the experts on medication to help, and most people do need that help for PTSD.

From my experience, a psychologist is the one to challenge the mask and help heal those issues which are keeping you away from your passion of photography (once any ADs have you stabilised), and other things your enjoy.

I have to say, that it makes me sad that so many people from Defence/Police/Emergency Services have to struggle with something that is basically an occupational hazard, where they should be offered first class, no questions asked, access to help.

I wish you the best, and hope that you are able to come back and let us know how you’re doing. I’m certainly happy to speak about what did/didn’t work for me, bestest, cheers M 🙂